was looking through old photos from my computer..... and saw photos at my granddad's bday in Feb...... when i saw my granddad in the photos i almost burst out crying...... he was still healthy at that time...... he could still carry the youngest granddaughter on his lap to cut his cake with him....... how can a person's life end so quickly? how can a person's health deteriorate so quickly........ in matter of months, my granddad was reduced to a pack of bones the last time i saw him, just a few wks ago........ the last time i saw him, he was really so sickly..... he couldn't even close his mouth...... his arms were so shaky..... and the last thing i heard from him was when he suddenly chanted out very loudly the buddhist chant...... so for the past few days, when the monks chanted this chant, i could almost hear my granddad's voice chanting together........

i wonder how i'll feel tomorrow when we go to the crematory...... it'll be a very very very sad moment for all of us.....

Just a few updates...... my paternal grandfather just passed away peacefully on 25th August.... the funeral will be from 25th to 28th and he'll be cremated on 29th.......

i wasn't very close to him.... but when the monks chanted the sutras i felt an overwhelming sense of sadness..... maybe it's the sad lamenting tone the monks used... i dont know.....or maybe it's cos we had to go around the coffin, knowing that your granddad is there, under that cover doesn't make it any better....

anyway, it's not been very hectic so far.... cos we're quite lucky to have a few maids around to help things out...... and i've been sick since yesterday... the same old usual ailments, flu, cough, fever.... and bones aching.... the fever thing is really very bad.... makes my head throb like mad......

my company was very very kind to send a flower wreath to the wake..... i was very touched.... the funeral's supposed to be 5 days, and i only have 3 days of compassionate leave (i took the last 3 days), but the boss just let me off very early this morning so that i can go back and rest and help out at the wake.... was really touched by his gesture.... i dont even need to take any extra leave or any thing, he asked me to just leave....... and he even asked around the company for the "bai jing".....

we saw a black butterfly directly on the ceiling on top of the coffin when the chanting started.... we wondered if it was granddad.... and the butterfly disappeared when the chanting stopped..... i was actually quite shocked.... i've heard many stories about the dead turning into black butterflies..... and appearing at funerals...... cos nowadays u dont normally see butterflies flying around do you? and it actually was on the ceiling for a very very long time directly on top of the coffin until the chanting stopped.....

i fondly remember my grandfather as a fish lover....... he loves eating fish..... especially steamed ones.... and dipping them into chilli and soya sauce.... and producing sounds of satisfaction as he chews on....... when i was young, i would sit beside him and eat fish with him..... he'd take out all the fish bones for me and prepare a soya sauce without chilli....... and asked me to dip it in..... whenever i'm around, he'll always ask me to sit beside him..... i remember him sitting on his favourite rocking chair..... it was really his favourite....he'd sit there all day and rocked and watch tv.... his favourite past time was watching the stock market on the teletext......he plays the stock market and never got burnt...... he always asked me to push his rocking chiar....... and often asked me to sit on his lap on the rocking chair when i was young.......

sad to say, that was all the memories i had of him..... we grew more and more distant from each other when i grew older....... i'd only go his house once a year, or maybe twice a year....... but i still love him as my grand dad....... i really respect him alot...... he was the only one in my dad's family who does not show biasness against girls....... he wasn't like my aunts and uncles who were really bias towards my older brother..... i remember clearly once they accused me of stealing my grandmother's $500 when i was primary 2.... primary 2 leh..... do you know how traumatised i was? when i was in primary 2 the only big bucks i recognised was $5... i think $5 is more than $500.... at least it's more useful to me.... in the end they realised they misplaced the money....... ended up accused me for nothing...... all the while my grandfather was the only one who didn't say anything, didn't accuse me and just kept quiet...... i knew he didn't think it was me......

阿公，祝您一路好走。。。原您已经到了极乐世界。。。我们会永远想念您。。。

At the spa house Rangnam..... Thai Massage damn shiok! I fell asleep! but i asked the thai lady to "soft soft!!" cos i'm so scared she'll crack my neck and body.... virgin massage leh! scared lor!.... super nice place, a place specially for spa..... nice ambience, nice service, nice bed....... hur... 2 hrs for 600baht for their traditional Thai massage... did i get conned?? or issit damn cheap?

Some roadside stall... one of the nicest dinner i had there..... we kept eating our meals in FOOD COURT..... go Thailand must try roadside stall lor!!! some of them in the group scared of eating roadside stall.... BOO.....

oh my god, this is DAMN GOOD..... prata with banana, topped with condensed milk and chocolate....... YUMMY.......

in Tut Tut... or however u spell that....

look familiar? i've took another similar picture when i went Vietnam visiting Mekong river.... we went to visit the floating market in Thailand.....

Snake show.... the stupid performers threw the damn snake at the audience (part of the whole show) and scared the shit out of me cos he threw it DIRECTLY at me and the snake climbed out of the fence surrounding the stage!!! gosh.... the emcee kept shouting "Don't move don't move!!" but we ran anyway.... we're not supposed to move if we get attacked by snakes... they're almost blind and can only sense movements.... as long as u don't move they'll think you're a tree or smth......

Yucky fangs....

Yummy breakfast in hotel....

Poor dogs!!! but they are SOOOOO cute!! all teacup puppies! damn cute lor.....

Our boat man.... we had the entire big boat to ourselves when we visited the floating market....

smile!

the aunty kept asking me to buy stuff..... my bf kept asking me to say no, cos i'm so tempted to buy frm the poor aunty... she looks damn ke lian.....

another breakfast meal at the hotel....u realise we only take photos only during breakfast? i nvr really take much photos lor.... bloody hell... DAMN WASTED...

Friend on the other Tut Tut.... the boys in our group kept joking around asking the Tut Tut driver to wheely ah! wah lao! i was so scared that the driver will really do that lor.... but yet i wanted to try what it feels like.... anyway, there was one tut tut driver who was damn reckless.... in an attempt to beat the traffic jam, he drove up the kerb and drove on the pavement... MY GOD, when he went up the kerb my heart almost flew off... cos he was going at such a fast speed! i'd almost thought we'd flip over lor!

yep, we had dinner in the hotel..... quite a shiok-ing experience....... BUT i'd rather spend the money on somewhere else instead........ like shopping?!

i ate this!! it's DAMN NICE despite the fugly appearance..... fried grasshopper.... hahaha... i always try fear factor stuffs when i go overseas.... heh.... remember Vietnam?? Vietnam was WORST... i tried the half egg half chick thingy, lamb brain and cow blood soup.....

This should be on top, dont know how it came down here.... anyway, our flight was good old jerky, shaky Jetstar.....

PINK CABS!! i realised the Thais love pink stuff... i saw a couple of pink vans, pink buses pink motorbikes.....

some random souvenir shop.....

this was the first day damages at Naraya..... i bought more stuff on the 2nd day.... hahha..... it's DAMNH CHEAP...

my breakfast..... this pic was supposed to be up there........

I 'm back from Bangkok...... Bangkok was......... quite fun... but could have been even more fun.... cos of some spoilers here and there... i'm not sure if those spoilers will come read my blog so i shan't reveal much... just that i'm not very satisfied with the trip.... i really thought we could have gone to more places, shopped more, ate more and enjoyed more....

one of the very big mood spoiler was my bf..... really defeated the purpose of "Going overseas with the bf"... what's the point of going out with the bf when he's having the "time of the month" thing.... like wtf... he showed me the "i not happy" face throughout the trip.... really damn pissed... totally spoilt my holiday mood..... i already told him NOT to go out and stay out too late just before our trip.... but he just wouldn't listen.... ended up he was so tired on the first day he just flared up at small things........ he will talk to his frens, laugh and joke around with his frens throughout the trip, but when he turns around and face me, he just acts like i'm transparent, wouldn't even talk to me, wouldn't even look at me, wouldn't even respond when i talk to him..... he was on and off this mood throughout the trip.... which really pissed me off....

BUT, the shopping was REALLY GOOD.... i shopped till i dropped.... i almost couldn't squeeze in my stuffs into my luggageS.... i brought extra luggage to Thailand, and even so, it was full to the brim....

on a sadder note............ so fucking disappointed with the bf, and the trip..... and everything else...........i can't stand the bf anymore....... i really feel we've lost the love... the spark..... he just told me "i hate talking over the phone".........you dont know how upset i was........ the phone was the very thing that got us together 5 years back....... nowadays when i talk on the phone with the bf, it's not talking..... it's just "reporting"... "what you eat today, what your mum cook today" he won't even tell me new things, won't even tell me what he does in the office.... he just says "i tell you, you also dont know".... he just shows me a face, a very moody face, a i-cant-care-less face... he wont even talk nicely to me anymore, won't even hold my hands anymore.... i thought when we go bangkok, he'll hold my hands tight, cos afterall, we are overseas, it's still not safe... but he can't care less... he just sticks with his guy frens (who are with their gfs)... so basically, i'm the only one left behind.... and he doesn't even realise it......... he won't even talk nicely to me anymore... he just talks to me like he's talking to his frens.... sometimes i think the way he talks to his frens is nicer than the way he talks to me....

he throws vulgarities at me like it doesn't matter.... i was ok with it initially, cos i thought it was his bad habit... he talks to his frens in this manner too... but i realised, he started becoming worst and worst..... he just uses them on me more nowadays... it's really getting on my nerves... and the way he speaks to me.... the kind of attitude... I REALLY CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!! why can't he treat me like his gf? like how a bf treat a gf? why can't he handle me more gently? i really dont know... maybe we're too used to each other's company it's hard to love each other more... it's hard to break the "conveniency" of each other and so we just carry on.... and wasting time...... it's hard to even talk to him nowadays...

tell me, how can this relationship last? i really dont know... i'm just waiting for us to get sick of each other... continue wasting each others' precious time....... seriously, i dont know how i can stand marrying him and look at his fuck face for the rest of my life.... how can i stand his fucking attitude for the rest of my life? his bad temper, his profanities AT ME, his un-gentleness, his can't care less attitude... how can i stand it for the rest of my life? i really dont think my patience is THAT good.... seriously, if it's other girls, they surely would have ran off long ago..... i really feel damn stupid....... i really feel so 委屈......he thinks i can't live without him... i'm sure he thinks that way....

but now i've come to realise...maybe i CAN live without him afterall.... since he was never there when i needed him... throughout the 5 years that i've been with him... i was there for him more than he was here for me.... whenever i needed encouragement, he wasn't there... whenever i needed him to be there for my exams.... during any of my exams... he was never there... he never really gave me any encouragements for major decisions of my life, never really gave me advice... just told me all the way, "I dont know, up to you", "i dont know what to say", "make the decision yourself". so basically, i've been making major decisions on my own throughout the whole relationship, i dont really need him. i'm independent as i am, although i look like i'm not. but i am. i can make decisions, i can live on my own. i dont need him.

he doesn't like talking to me on the phone... so we never really "talk" on the phone...so it doesn't really matter..... i can talk to my frens.... he doesn't like going shopping with me.... it doesn't matter i can do that on my own or with frens.... i dont really need his company, cos he's always playing the psp, the handphone, his attention on everything but not on me. i can find my own entertainment, i dont need to be binded down by him if i'm single.

so why are we together? i'm not really sure anymore... if being together means being unhappy with each other everyday....then i dont see the point of being together.....if being together means getting sick of each other..... i dont see the point too.....if being together means doing things on our own individually and not spending quality time together, then what's the point of being together? i just want to spend happy moments with him together, alone, share some common hobbies.... diving, swimming, travelling, backpacking, even mountain climbing or what shit. i realy don't care. as long as we do it together. but it's so hard. it's not working. he doesn't want to. i've got no choice.

i've got a companion. but yet i dont have one. you get what i mean?

maybe it's really time.

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Today marks the day of the END of practical piano lesson..... BUT haiz...... still got to continue with THEORY lessons... cos i haven't completed my grade 8 theory yet......... really really don't feel like continuing but the stupid mother just forced me to finish it......... i got to pay for my own piano lesson fees from now on.... and it's still the same.... so damn ex........ arghhhh....... when will this end......... BUT i'll never ever touch the piano again!! yay!!! happiness..... unless the teacher gives me some extra pieces to play at my own leisure... hahaha maybe i can start playing Jay chou's music from now on... it'll be so much more fun lor....

anyway. my exams was abit chui...... i think i did rather badly for a few piano pieces........ my tempo weren't right, i was rushing, and my fingers were trembling so much i had plenty of missing notes........ but the Viva voce (dialogue with the examiner) was rather ok.... he asked me VERY detailed questions, but luckily, i did my homework...... bloody hell he asked me when did all the composers died, the EXACT date and year.... like wtf?! it's the first time the examiner asks this kinda questions.... they always ask about the form, texture, musical period of the music pieces... but they seldom ask about the birth and death date one leh.... LUCKILY, the student who went before me, was also taking Diploma exam... and she came out complaining to her teacher about the examiner asking about the exact birth and death dates and that she couldn't answer... so i hurriedly memorised them.... hahahaha... LUCKY or not...... i was rather confident of the Viva voce thingy....

but, still, the practical part takes up most of the marks, 70 marks leh.... Viva only 15 marks! i need 75/100 to pass..... arghh.... my sight reading also buang.... my sight reading is SHIT lor.......

"Can you compare and contrast J.S Bach and Scarlatti's style of music?"

i was playing Scarlatti's piece, and i only memorised stuff from Scarlatti.... so my mind went blank for a moment... J.S Bach... racked my brains very hard.... oh, Baroque! same as Scarlatti! BUT trick question! their style totally different! Scarlatti plays more of homophonic texture, where as J.S Bach uses polyphonic textures.......

"Good good"

*Phew* close shave...

"next question, can you tell me about the form of the piece you've just played for Hadyn's first movement?"

cheh, easy, Sonata form... Exposition, development and Recapitulation....

"so what key do you think is this part of the piece is modulated to?"

DIE, don't know how to answer....it's a minor key....... it's colour is darker here.... i dont know exactly what key, but i know it's a minor key....

"good"

shit, why he keep saying good?!

"tell me what era do you think Debussy was from"...

TRICK question.... Debussy was born in the midst of Romantic period, coming 20th century... BUT he was mainly an impressionist, so he wasn't romantic, nor 20th century!... LUCKY i did my homework lor....

"good. so, can you tell me the dates when he was born and when he died?"

SHIT, forgot which year he was born! so i just said when he died.... :1918, march.... march... march 20 something... "yah, good, March 25th to be exact"...

this examiner is SIBEH irritating.

piano exams tomorrow, yes, national day....... so so so dead....... dont even know if i can't pass..... just realised TODAY that i've still got plenty of things to study........ die lor....... i pray very very hard that i can pass tomorrow and that the examiner won't ask so many questions... or pray that he just asks the questions that i know the answer to....... and pray he won't compare me with my teacher's other student, who is wayyyyyyyyy better than me in her playing skills.... haiz........

my legs ache soooooooo much........... another thing i hate about working life..... or maybe MY working life....... is cos i can't wear open toe shoes in office..... like wtf..... my feet forever stinks now cos i gotta wear close toes shoes EVERYDAY....... really like frigging stinks ah......somemore i got sweaty feet!!! so i bought the Scholls deodorant powder and one frigging SMELLY feet spray from dono what brand, Beauty something something can't remember.... man, that spray really stinks man..... it not only stinks, it made my throat really scratchy and burnt my throat..... it's really BAD, don't buy ok!!! although Watsons' selling damn cheap now, like 2 for 10bucks or smth, but seriously, DONT BUY.... it's either i'm sensitive to it, or it's really bad.......

i spend money like WATER nowadays..... ever since i got my pay...... it's really CRAZY OK......... oh gosh, i must really control control control........ but there's sooooooo many frigging things i wanna buy! i wanna buy the feet deodorant from body or faceshop!! i'm going crazy with all the feet stuff, cos my feet permanently stinks......... even after i bath, my feet still smells like my shoes..... how?!! SO SICK OF WEARING HEELS. SO SICK OF EVERYTHING. somebody just save me.

i gotta work tomorrow...... it's rather easy, though i think it's quite a waste of time, anyway, i'll be able to claim time off, so it's ok lah......sian..... it's quite fun and interesting lah.... just tat i gotta do it alone, sort of lah....... i shan't reveal more..... heh......not supposed to....