I 'm back from Bangkok...... Bangkok was......... quite fun... but could have been even more fun.... cos of some spoilers here and there... i'm not sure if those spoilers will come read my blog so i shan't reveal much... just that i'm not very satisfied with the trip.... i really thought we could have gone to more places, shopped more, ate more and enjoyed more....
one of the very big mood spoiler was my bf..... really defeated the purpose of "Going overseas with the bf"... what's the point of going out with the bf when he's having the "time of the month" thing.... like wtf... he showed me the "i not happy" face throughout the trip.... really damn pissed... totally spoilt my holiday mood..... i already told him NOT to go out and stay out too late just before our trip.... but he just wouldn't listen.... ended up he was so tired on the first day he just flared up at small things........ he will talk to his frens, laugh and joke around with his frens throughout the trip, but when he turns around and face me, he just acts like i'm transparent, wouldn't even talk to me, wouldn't even look at me, wouldn't even respond when i talk to him..... he was on and off this mood throughout the trip.... which really pissed me off....
BUT, the shopping was REALLY GOOD.... i shopped till i dropped.... i almost couldn't squeeze in my stuffs into my luggageS.... i brought extra luggage to Thailand, and even so, it was full to the brim....
on a sadder note............ so fucking disappointed with the bf, and the trip..... and everything else...........i can't stand the bf anymore....... i really feel we've lost the love... the spark..... he just told me "i hate talking over the phone".........you dont know how upset i was........ the phone was the very thing that got us together 5 years back....... nowadays when i talk on the phone with the bf, it's not talking..... it's just "reporting"... "what you eat today, what your mum cook today" he won't even tell me new things, won't even tell me what he does in the office.... he just says "i tell you, you also dont know".... he just shows me a face, a very moody face, a i-cant-care-less face... he wont even talk nicely to me anymore, won't even hold my hands anymore.... i thought when we go bangkok, he'll hold my hands tight, cos afterall, we are overseas, it's still not safe... but he can't care less... he just sticks with his guy frens (who are with their gfs)... so basically, i'm the only one left behind.... and he doesn't even realise it......... he won't even talk nicely to me anymore... he just talks to me like he's talking to his frens.... sometimes i think the way he talks to his frens is nicer than the way he talks to me....
he throws vulgarities at me like it doesn't matter.... i was ok with it initially, cos i thought it was his bad habit... he talks to his frens in this manner too... but i realised, he started becoming worst and worst..... he just uses them on me more nowadays... it's really getting on my nerves... and the way he speaks to me.... the kind of attitude... I REALLY CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!! why can't he treat me like his gf? like how a bf treat a gf? why can't he handle me more gently? i really dont know... maybe we're too used to each other's company it's hard to love each other more... it's hard to break the "conveniency" of each other and so we just carry on.... and wasting time...... it's hard to even talk to him nowadays...
tell me, how can this relationship last? i really dont know... i'm just waiting for us to get sick of each other... continue wasting each others' precious time....... seriously, i dont know how i can stand marrying him and look at his fuck face for the rest of my life.... how can i stand his fucking attitude for the rest of my life? his bad temper, his profanities AT ME, his un-gentleness, his can't care less attitude... how can i stand it for the rest of my life? i really dont think my patience is THAT good.... seriously, if it's other girls, they surely would have ran off long ago..... i really feel damn stupid....... i really feel so 委屈......he thinks i can't live without him... i'm sure he thinks that way....
one of the very big mood spoiler was my bf..... really defeated the purpose of "Going overseas with the bf"... what's the point of going out with the bf when he's having the "time of the month" thing.... like wtf... he showed me the "i not happy" face throughout the trip.... really damn pissed... totally spoilt my holiday mood..... i already told him NOT to go out and stay out too late just before our trip.... but he just wouldn't listen.... ended up he was so tired on the first day he just flared up at small things........ he will talk to his frens, laugh and joke around with his frens throughout the trip, but when he turns around and face me, he just acts like i'm transparent, wouldn't even talk to me, wouldn't even look at me, wouldn't even respond when i talk to him..... he was on and off this mood throughout the trip.... which really pissed me off....
BUT, the shopping was REALLY GOOD.... i shopped till i dropped.... i almost couldn't squeeze in my stuffs into my luggageS.... i brought extra luggage to Thailand, and even so, it was full to the brim....
on a sadder note............ so fucking disappointed with the bf, and the trip..... and everything else...........i can't stand the bf anymore....... i really feel we've lost the love... the spark..... he just told me "i hate talking over the phone".........you dont know how upset i was........ the phone was the very thing that got us together 5 years back....... nowadays when i talk on the phone with the bf, it's not talking..... it's just "reporting"... "what you eat today, what your mum cook today" he won't even tell me new things, won't even tell me what he does in the office.... he just says "i tell you, you also dont know".... he just shows me a face, a very moody face, a i-cant-care-less face... he wont even talk nicely to me anymore, won't even hold my hands anymore.... i thought when we go bangkok, he'll hold my hands tight, cos afterall, we are overseas, it's still not safe... but he can't care less... he just sticks with his guy frens (who are with their gfs)... so basically, i'm the only one left behind.... and he doesn't even realise it......... he won't even talk nicely to me anymore... he just talks to me like he's talking to his frens.... sometimes i think the way he talks to his frens is nicer than the way he talks to me....
he throws vulgarities at me like it doesn't matter.... i was ok with it initially, cos i thought it was his bad habit... he talks to his frens in this manner too... but i realised, he started becoming worst and worst..... he just uses them on me more nowadays... it's really getting on my nerves... and the way he speaks to me.... the kind of attitude... I REALLY CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!! why can't he treat me like his gf? like how a bf treat a gf? why can't he handle me more gently? i really dont know... maybe we're too used to each other's company it's hard to love each other more... it's hard to break the "conveniency" of each other and so we just carry on.... and wasting time...... it's hard to even talk to him nowadays...
tell me, how can this relationship last? i really dont know... i'm just waiting for us to get sick of each other... continue wasting each others' precious time....... seriously, i dont know how i can stand marrying him and look at his fuck face for the rest of my life.... how can i stand his fucking attitude for the rest of my life? his bad temper, his profanities AT ME, his un-gentleness, his can't care less attitude... how can i stand it for the rest of my life? i really dont think my patience is THAT good.... seriously, if it's other girls, they surely would have ran off long ago..... i really feel damn stupid....... i really feel so 委屈......he thinks i can't live without him... i'm sure he thinks that way....
but now i've come to realise...maybe i CAN live without him afterall.... since he was never there when i needed him... throughout the 5 years that i've been with him... i was there for him more than he was here for me.... whenever i needed encouragement, he wasn't there... whenever i needed him to be there for my exams.... during any of my exams... he was never there... he never really gave me any encouragements for major decisions of my life, never really gave me advice... just told me all the way, "I dont know, up to you", "i dont know what to say", "make the decision yourself". so basically, i've been making major decisions on my own throughout the whole relationship, i dont really need him. i'm independent as i am, although i look like i'm not. but i am. i can make decisions, i can live on my own. i dont need him.
he doesn't like talking to me on the phone... so we never really "talk" on the phone...so it doesn't really matter..... i can talk to my frens.... he doesn't like going shopping with me.... it doesn't matter i can do that on my own or with frens.... i dont really need his company, cos he's always playing the psp, the handphone, his attention on everything but not on me. i can find my own entertainment, i dont need to be binded down by him if i'm single.
so why are we together? i'm not really sure anymore... if being together means being unhappy with each other everyday....then i dont see the point of being together.....if being together means getting sick of each other..... i dont see the point too.....if being together means doing things on our own individually and not spending quality time together, then what's the point of being together? i just want to spend happy moments with him together, alone, share some common hobbies.... diving, swimming, travelling, backpacking, even mountain climbing or what shit. i realy don't care. as long as we do it together. but it's so hard. it's not working. he doesn't want to. i've got no choice.
i've got a companion. but yet i dont have one. you get what i mean?
maybe it's really time.
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