why do i always feel so stupid?

why is everyone around me so capable,clever and smart. Everyone except me? i've been so self deluded since young. As the eldest, i've always thought i was the most capable in the family. since young i've been handling problems of the family, always being the mediator, always being the lao da jie as my parents called me. i do everything, from translating letters, helping brothers write letters to the school, setting up our wireless network, buying upgrades for the comp, and even repairing the comp when things go wrong. and many many things. apparently, im not as clever as i thought. everyone around me is so capable i feel so lousy.

this feeling is getting more and more intense each day, for no apparent reason.

came across something interesting in a book. Some religion describes Hell to be full of pain, sufferings and fear. Does that sound familiar to u? Isn't the real world like that too? Thus, no one, absolutely no one, can condemn you to hell (unless you allow them to). Because they are in hell too. dont let others judge you and dont judge others too.

for those interested in doing temp jobs during ur hols....

here's the webpage http://search3.jobstreet.com/listJobs.asp?pg=1&by=te&site=sg&fr=&pt=3672

i saw some that starts from 4th dec onwards and last for only about a week or even 2 weeks.....

there's this internal conflict in me...... i desperately need $$$, i need to find a part time job (eg tuition, work during weekends, work at roadshows), BUT whenever there's a chance, i'll give it up. I DONT KNOW WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. i really dont know.

know wat kind of jobs i want? juz call me to go work for 1 day, suit to MY timing (not everyday i also can work leh), good pay. omg, where got this kind of job? those jobs that call u when they need u. and they'll keep calling u. anyone with this kinda lobang, please please please give me a call.

stupid self contradictory cow. stupid stupid stupid. nxt time, i'll be my own boss. I plan my OWN flexible working hours. anyone join me?

so so so so so damn sian of life...... wah lan eh... can more happening or not.....

so dull everyday!

the only happening thing that happened this week... or maybe, the only outing i went this week... was cck park "restaurant" with the band members.... alot of xin jiao...we felt so old there....

i need some attention.

my pretty friend juz got engaged!!! congrats!!

hmmm it's been a long time since i've last blogged..... been busy lately for quite a number of things......... bf's finally found a job as an assistant engineer....... well with alot of my help of cos..... :P but still, he managed to pass those interviews on his own... *claps* so well, for the past few weeks i've been acting like his personal assistant, reminding him of upcoming interviews and brushing him up on his interview skills...which paid off....

i've juz handed up an assignment (which took the hell out of me)......... and i've got alot more other assignments to hand up........ i dont knw hw the hell am i going to complete those assignments, but i'll try... i'll try....

juz a brief summary of how these few weeks were like: accompanying bf for interviews, searching online EVERYDAY for jobs that suit him, doing my assignment, going for school for make up lessons on Saturdays cos for some unknown reasons i always have to miss class on Tues, going for Motorshow at Suntec...

and i must say, Russ Swift is going to be my idol from now on.... when i went to the motorshow with my bf, i was like thinking, wth, $10 bucks juz to look at cars ah... not worth it man..... then, we saw the precision driving stunts by that Russ Swift (who is nearing 60 years old)...wow, it really was one of the best shows i've ever seen.... i'll try to upload those video clips on my blog when i have the time.... hee....a pity ONE of my clips, which is the most exciting one, went corrupted.... fucking hell... apparently, from what i've heard from most of my frens, few of them knew abt the precision driving show even though they went for the car exhibit.. so i muz say we are one of the lucky ones.....during the course of the show, there was this bidding for a seat beside Russ Swift during his stunt performance, starting bid was $50 bucks (donated to charity), and i really wanted so so so much to sit in...... but we were really poor..... hahhaa so we had to give up the chance..... cheh, and i tot those bids will go up to hundreds of dollars, ended up the highest bid was only $100... i bet they felt worth it ah, those lucky fellas.... cos Russ did some very very very scary maneuvers when they sat beside him one by one.... (which was on the corrupted clip!!! ARGH)

im so damn fucking bored. bf is working now. pui.

i need some motivation.... i need to get into the swing, the momentmum to STUDY.

i might juz die of staleness......... can my life be more happening?! fucking stale life i have............

im so fucking materialistic i hate myself.

u'll feel shitter abt urself as u grow older.............. when i was younger, i've nvr thought i was fat.... no matter how fat i was...... no matter how my grandparents always pinch my chubby face, no matter how many of my relatives commented tat i look like a hamburger..... hahha.... i've nvr thought i was fat......... nw as i grow older.... i hate seeing myself in the bloody mirror....... i see enlarging pores on my face, pimples, blackheads, whiteheads, fats, fats, fats and more fats all over my body......

sucks to be growing older..... i dont wanna grow old............. argh.... many many many ppl have told me, tat women shud start using anti-ageing cream once they reach the age of 24..... TWENTY FOUR!!!! OMG.

How I wish I'm filthy R.I.C.H. like my bf's sis's bf..... hahaha.... long relationship... He's damn BLOODY RICH...... He drives an Evo 9..... NINE..... which costs around 130k.... *faints* nvm tat.... from what i've heard...he stays in a (i think) at least 4 storey high mansion.... or watever u call tat..... He and my bf's sis goes yatching nearly every weekend..... or go overseas now and then... so often that i've lost count... to play sea sports or what not..... can u imagine....going yatching nearly every weekend...... gosh, even if the yatch is not his.....renting it isn't CHEAP EITHER! rent car for a week already cost like a few hundred bucks? I WANT A RICH BF.... hahhahha...........KIDDING LAH, GEDDIT? but i dont mind..... wahahha...WHO WILL MIND A RICH BF?

hubby, faster strike toto ah. hahahahaha.... *muackz*

busy.... busy with..... nothing.... however ironic it sounds.... i was really busy with literally nothing.... and i really dont know how the hell time flew past so quickly... i missed a couple of lessons last wk.... cos i was down with The Flu.... and now i've passed it to my dad and second bro.... GREAT..... and i got this bad feeling they're passing it back to me soon.... my cough's coming back! ARGH! i must stop stop stop skipping lessons.... fucking hell.... i must start revising my work and doing homework!!!! ARGH!! i fucking hate reading thru those thick stacks of notes! i need to really find a day and SIT DOWN AND READ.

most of my subjects require hell lot of reading.... which i am NOT DOING..... anyone jio me out to study (read notes)??? not weekends tho... :P

flu flu flu... cough cough cough.... sore sore sore throat.........

i wanna go play with lanterns and candles...... like wat i used to do..... every year till now.... haiz...... mooncake festival or lantern festival ah?

bad weather, great company!

*coughs*

so fun!!! today was so fun!!! so fun and funny.... wanted to eat at newyork newyork at citylink.... the queue was terribly long.... so we wanted to change to another restaurant at RafflesCity.... THEN!! we ALL (except lynn) din knw rachel was driving!!! yeah! that's not the best part! kenneth at first told the whole world, even lynn that he's not driving.... and in the end he ended up driving!! yeah! surprise surprise for lynn!

anyway..... we all then decided to head down to Bedok North Ave 4.... (ok, so now i've put it down here so i wont forget) to have their famous bah chor mee SOUP..... i've nvr eaten bah chor mee SOUP in my life before... but it's damn nice ah! and cheap! super cheap! not only that, we ordered a table full of food.... 10 chicken wings, 20 satay, 1 Big stingray, another big plate of super chilli sotong....... and we still wasn't full... wahaha... so we headed to Selegie to have the famous beancurd.... samuel drove ken's car on the way there and they (rach and sam) sped and competed with each other on the high way..... wahhaha... damn funny ah....

we all juz realised it's the 1st time we're sitting down like that as a group to eat at hawker centre ah.... ordering so many things... so fun and nice.... we always go restaurant restaurant until damn sian already lor....

after beancurd was the "famous" 99 turns near kent ridge..... funny ah, only 12plus turns leh... wat 99 turns.... go and die lor...... actually i realised we reached there quite fast leh, both driving more than 100km/h like no feeling like tat.... anyway, was damn hazy and choky and warm down there..... too bad we din bring lanterns and wat not..... or it'll be more fun....

din wanted to msg him the whole day today.... but i couldn't help it... stupid me, msged and told him i juz got home.... i ought to give myself a tight slap....

i feel so useless. someone, keep my phone. someone, help me.

i have a bloody sorethroat.......... slight fever....... stupid haze............ argh....... *coughs*

i cannot stand him anymore........... someone save me............ anyone......... i give up....... totally..........