attended my first ever lesson in SIM today...... not as bad as i thought.... but that's only for the subject Auditing.... hey, i JUST realised Auditing is not a calculating subject, dont require any calculations at all!!! *yippee* but.... BUT...... it requires HELL LOT of readings........ need to read HELL LOT of articles............. ARGH.... i dont mind writing essays... but reading articles!!! especially boring articles concerning finance!! my lecturer told us to read "MONEY" of straits time............. wa lao............. hell boring ah.... aiya nvm, at least she's good.... so far so good.......

no socialising for me.......... i didnt even say hi to the girl sitting beside me........ cos i dont think i'll even remember her face for the nxt lesson..... and i think i can learn better alone....... at least no temptation to talk to friends sitting around u.... and tat's good.... cos im such a talkative girl....... ha.

every start of the school term u'll always hear me saying "i'll work harder this year"....... but somehow the adrenaline to work hard always stop after the 1st month.... we'll see how it goes this term ya............

i'll work harder this year......

"what good is love when it keeps hurting me"

lynn.. how true...

i have so many regrets in life.................... so so so many regrets........ i wish i can be strong enough to move on, but sadly i dont think so......... somebody have to push me.....

im angry at my life, pissed at myself to have such a soft ear for everything.... i listen too much to others and let them influence me so much........... they have so much impact on me......... i get so easily cajoled into buying things, doing things........ and then after that i regret........ just like the hair products i ALWAYS buy at salons after cutting hair........ and i regret! cos i have never ever finished using them before!! sometimes i use only once or twice..........

now, its the same thing........ i let a particular girl's rumours influence me...... Miss J told the whole world the school's facing financial difficulties, all the school's gd teachers have left, she might be considering transferring BLAH BLAH BLAH....... i let her influence me.......i went to change school, forsake my $672 i've already paid for school fees and had to dig out close to $5000 for my new school.... and now guess what??? she's still in school... and guess what she said? "oh, i heard the school's not facing difficulties anymore, so dont change lor" u knw, everyone listened to her bloody rumours and decided to change, everyone listened to her.....

i can only blame myself for being so stupid to listen to others so easily.......... i will miss my school...... i will miss the way the lectures and tutorials are held...... i will miss learning in small groups....... i will miss my friends............. but i have to move on........i have to start learning to adapt to new environments....... learn to make new friends.... learn to study independently....... learn to listen during lectures, and not just attending only tutorials................... EVERYONE is telling me "u learn more during tutorials" YAH I KNOW!! but what can i do? SIM has no tutorials! I WILL MOVE ON! I HAVE TO! I DONT WANNA WASTE MY PARENT'S MONEY ANYMORE!

the only good thing that happened from this entire saga is my mum's reaction about me changing school..... my mum simply love SIM.... my mum even told me "im so happy u changed school, cos i like ur new school"........ good.... mum's happy... im happy...... but somehow i still cannot hide my guilt from letting my parents spend so much money on my studies............ waste so much money on me.... be it piano, studies, daily allowance............ i always seem to fail them..... im so guilty i think i might just die........ waste so much money on such an useless daughter.......

i hate myself. period.

hmmm... went to cut my hair (finally) after 6 mths..... wahaha.... cannot stand my messy, limpy hair anymore.... my hair is OK lah...looks so much neater.... but still, i dont knw what my bf will say, his taste is apparently totally different frm mine...anyway, dont knw why everytime after cutting my hair, i ask my mum nice or not, she'll surely say nice and "very cute leh".... i dont like it.... :P

anyway, bf's working at suntec now for the IMF thingy..... dont be surprised if u see him wearing police uniform and walking around.... i wont be able to see him much for this month cos of the IMF thing.... he needs to work (according to him) 1, 2, off..... instead of 1, 2, off off..... seriously i dont understand how the shift system works... but somehow i knw he's being exploited.... he's supposed to ORD this month.... but he cant clear his leave for sept cos of the IMF thing....

anyway...... im bored......

nothing seems to be going right these days....... still haven receive my school timetable due to some screw ups.... apparently it's unfair for us who signed up late for SIM cos they gave the existing students priorities to plot timetables for their subjects...so end up im just getting whatever's that's left of the timetable....... *prays hard that timetable wont turn out bad*

你想要的, 我却不能够给你我全部

我能给的, 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合, 也不想认输

不想再约束, 不要再痛苦

how true....

how can they always say life is NOT a bed of roses? life IS a bed of roses................ looks perfect............... but hidden underneath those pretty petals are thousands of tiny thorns that will prick u......... mine happens to be a bed of dead roses...... looks dead........ and those fucking thorns are still there to prick u........ knn.

最近

你最近不说话

怎麽了, 为什麽

是不是有什麽事让你不快乐

听说你最近很孤单

有点乱, 有点慌

可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的, 我却不能够给你我全部

我能给的, 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合, 也不想认输

好几次, 我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释, 这样的一切, 都只是开始

我觉得是, 所有的一切, 早就已结束

不想再约束, 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

爱, 我却不能给你我全部

我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合也不想认输

好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始

我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束

不想再约束 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

这一次我们都能很幸福

ok..... so it's finally finalised... im transfering to SIM officially.... due to some major changes in management in stansfield... or should i say... i've heard plenty of rumours about the financial difficulties stansfield is in.... im quite lostform abt transferring actually... cos i dont really fancy the large lecture style of SIM... i so much prefer the small class-like style of stansfield.... i dont like mass lectures at all....... i cannot absorb!!! i can only absorb in small groups... like a class.... haizzz......... i really hope i can adapt to the change in studying environment well..... well, at least SIM is more established than stansfield..... at least SIM wont be facing so called "financial difficulties".... at least SIM has a uni campus with good facilities.... canteen, atm machines, large libraries and book shops, VENDING MACHINES.......... SUPER NEAR MY HSE............... *argh, im juz trying to console myself*

anyway, it was a super impulse decision i made on the very day itself... i rushed all the way to SIM to transfer, cos my mum made me.......... my mum WANTS me to transfer........ i was quite shocked my mum wanted me to transfer....cos of all the costs involved.... and i have to forgo the 672bucks i've already paid to stansfield..... (which is damn bloody bo hua!!!!!)i was juz casually mentioning to her that quite alot of ppl have already transferred, and saying even my school principal has already left, and even some of the teachers have left..... she immediately asked me to transfer..... i can tell she likes SIM alot... :P

i dont like any changes in my life, i HATE CHANGES.....i dont like to adapt to new things........... btw, even if i transfer sch i'll still be studying 2nd year, not 1st year...... so dont worry...

and i just realised that failing maths is fucking fucky........ cos i cannot take a hell lot of subjects....... thus.... my second year will be a very hectic one....... if i can successfully manage to appeal to take 4 and a half subjects this year... i'll be taking :AUDITING, financial intermediation, intro to business management, MANAGEMENT ACCOUNTING and retaking maths. auditing and management acounting alone can kill....... die liao lah.....

finally received my uol results....... failed half a subject.... MATHS..... great.... the only thing was i didn't feel VERY VERY disappointed as i've already expected it.... i mean, i was expecting something even worst.... at least i did quite well for my econs.....i thought i'd fail accounting!!! thank god i didn't..... but the marks of the rest of the subjects suck......they're gonna affect my classification of honours.... i can only blame myself for not studying hard enuff..... now i have to repeat half a year of maths.... do u knw hw much i hate maths?!

piano exam is tml...and yet i have to cope with bloody family problems today... sometimes i juz hate the older brother.... he is so dman fucking disrespectful.... being an elder to my younger bro he shud bloody give in right?! he shouts at the whole family for touching his things, shouts at everyone who gets in his way, shouts at my baby bro for touching his things when he just takes OUR THINGS without telling us, sometimes not even returning to us... he repeatedly pointed at my little bro, pointed right on his forehead at gun point, threatening him and screaming at him to not to touch his things... hey PLEASE!!! he's 7 years old for god's sake!! do you know watever u shout at him, watever u do to him, he'll get a traumatic experience for life!!!!! he might even turn out to be a problematic child when he grows older!! it'll haunt him forever! have u spared a thought for US? for our baby bro who's so lonely and poor thing?! pointing and shouting at him at gun point??? WHAT THE FUCK?

and I GODDAM HATE PPL WHO THROWS MONEY! and especially unfillial son who throws money right on my mum's face! this is the second time i've seen him throwing money at my mum's face! FUCK! the money u're throwing isn't even fucking yours! throwing money is so utterly disrespectful to the person, and to the money. YES, TO THE MONEY. hey do u knw if u always throw money, nxt time u'll surely find it a billion times harder to earn those money back.

whenever any of my family members quarrel i usually dont give a damn, dont care.... i only interfere when things get out of hand or when i am CERTAIN u are the one in the wrong. i only side those who's right, only side those who are getting bullied by someone with a big fat ego. stop being so selfish and start acting like a brother. not a bully.

why are u so gei gao? why cant u be more generous?! have I ever said anything when i ALWAYS find MY stuff in YOUR room? i've always been tolerating to you! cant u be tolerating to us?! WE'VE always been tolerating to you! watever u do/take from us have we ever asked u to pay us back? NO! please, we're a family. stop acting like that. u are old enough to think for us, and for yourself. our mum might be very naggy at times, i know, EXTREMELY naggy, but she's our mum. she's our MUM. i've never even hated her for showing favouritsm to you since young. u've always been so pampered, u'd always get what u wanted. i always had to give in to u too in the past. now i have to give in to BOTH of u, have i ever said anything? now as an elder u shud give in to the younger one too shouldn't u?

i have to stand all this when my piano exams is TML. GREAT. good luck to me.

i hope he sees my blog.

attended a friend's ROM that day..... caught everyone by surprise.... he didn't tell us abt it till the very very very last minute... on the day itself... (ROM at 4, he told us at abt 11).... wth.... we were all surprised cos he's only 25! and he juz got attached to his gf (now fiance) for like at most a year? we all thought he did it on impulse... or maybe even shotgun.... but i dont think so.... maybe it's because his fiance is a Vietnamese and it's not easy for her to get PR.... well... anyway...... really have to thank lynn for my last minute i-dont-know-wat-to-wear-for-the-rom crisis....... she rushed all the way down to clementi to lend me her skirt..... in the end i didnt get to wear the skirt... cos they later called to tell us wear smart CASUAL..... ta ma de.... they said they juz wearing normal shirt...... one guy even wore t-shirt.... o_O in the end settled for tube top.... and guess wat those guys said???! "u rom or they rom".... i cannot stand guys who dono hw to present themselves well for the right occasion.... even my bf had the decency to wear long sleeve shirt when he always wear so slack.....

im really glad for friends who are always there for me whenever i need them...

STRESSED UP.

so so so bored and tired...... piano exams is next tuesday..... please please please let me pass...... i want to pass........ i dont wanna fail again... PLEASE... im so scared that i'll screw up again... so scared my fingers will juz freeze once i go into the freeEEZZZzzzing room.... so scared my fingers wont listen to me.... argh! i dont want to juz pass, i want to get a bloody merit.... cos the rest of my teacher's pupils all got MERIT..... fuck man..... they can get 29/30 for their pieces and afford to fail their scales and sight reading and STILL GET MERIT....gosh...

i've been very hardworking......i think........ haizz..... pray for me...

i feel damn fucking pissed, du lan, tortured now. fucking angry. u dont know how fucking ANGRY i am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate myself for tolerating u always, always always!!!!! always tolerating ur nonsense! ur attitude!! tolerating when u ignore me!!! tolerating when u throw ur fucking pointless tantrums!!!!!! relationship isn't always about tolerating! it's more about caring for each other!! it's more about understanding each other, understanding what each other do!! UNDERSTANDING!! GET IT?!

YOU ALWAYS DISALLOW ME TO FUCKING DRINK!!! I UNDERSTAND!! BECAUSE U CARE FOR ME!! BUT THERE ARE FUCKING TIMES/INSTANCES WHEN I HAVE TO DRINK BECAUSE IT'S MY FREN'S BDAY!! BUT U CANT UNDERSTAND THAT! FINE! I UNDERSTAND WHEN U TOLD ME U'RE STRESSED UP, U ARE JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME PUFFS, JUST SOME PUFFS WILL DO. AND I ALLOWED U, WITHOUT THROWING ANY TANTRUMS, WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING!!! BUT U GOT WORST!! U WENT ON SMOKING STICKS BY STICKS AND FINALLY U HAD TO BRING ONE PACKET HOME!!! FUCK YOU!

I'VE BEEN TOLERATING U THE WHOLE OF TODAY. U WENT OUT AT 1 PLUS TILL NOW. 10HRS PLUS OUTSIDE, YET U ONLY MSGED ME TWICE. 2 TIMES. 2 BLOODY TIMES. 10HRS WITH ONLY 2 MSG. NVM. HEY, I DIDN'T DISTURB U FOR THE 10HRS. I TRIED NOT TO CALL U, I TRIED NOT TO MSG U. BUT WHEN U FINALLY TOLD ME U GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE AGAIN, I HAD TO ASK U WHERE AND WHO U GOING RIGHT?! U MEAN I CANT EVEN DO THAT? U MEAN I HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO GET ANGRY THAT U NVR EVEN INTENDED TO MSG OR CALL ME??? AND U HUNG UP ON ME. JUST LIKE THAT. THINKING THAT U HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. AND U SWITCHED OFF UR PHONE. NOW IM LEFT AT HOME. WHEN U AND MY FRENS ARE OUTSIDE. WHEN LYNN AND MAY ARE HAVING FUN. BUT IM AT HOME. I FEEL SO TORTURED. I REALLY FEEL SO TORTURED BY U.

4 YEARS OF TOLERATING. DO U THINK I CAN TOLERATE ANY FURTHER? I WANT TO GET DRUNK. I WILL GET DRUNK SOMEDAY. DRINK AWAY ALL MY SORROWS, PAIN, GRIEVE, BITTERNESS, ANGER IN ME.

hmmmmm..... everyone's been trying to jio me out these days.... but i've rejected all of them..... really really really apologetic and sorry about that...... cos for one thing, im damn fucking broke. for another thing, im damn bloody stressed up over my piano exams (cos i dont wanna fail another fucking time), i have to be at home to practice every single day. and i've got piano lessons twice a wk (at least). *pulls hair*

haizZZZZzzz....................... *sigh sigh sigh* i wana die...........

really sorry girls......... can't make it everytime u all jio me out......... sorry..... i'll be free from september onwards..... somehow always so suay, when i free u all not free, when i not free u all free......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE.

yet another boring day for me...........since im dead broke.... i've gotta camp at home..... and that sucks..... which means i have no choice but to practice piano...... I HAVE TO PRACTICE PIANO.... I CANNOT PROCRASTINATE ANYMORE!!!! argh..... pissed off at my life....... no money, no life, no bf today. bf's at the stadium now.......

there were many a times in this 4 years of relationship when i'd wanted to give up......... to ditch him and move on with my life...... but i didn't have the courage, nor do i really want to end it...... there were many ups and downs but i didn't give up......but sometimes it's so tough to be the only one giving in, to be the only person to give and give and give without getting anything in return..... I KNOW!! i shouldn't want my love to be returned, for love should be unconditional..... blah blah blah bullshit... FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! love SHOULD be returned! u should get back what u put in, if not that's not called love anymore!!! it's just ur one-sidedness!

im going to give up soon, if he still doesn't wanna do anything.... i really dont know what i should do now... i've done all that i should do.... its up to you now...

you dont know how much i love you, or maybe you know it too well, that's why u are taking full advantage of it. i wont let you do that anymore. im like a bottle of champagne ready to pop open anytime. stop shaking me anymore. or i'll really go pop, and hit u on ur head.

how can one hate and love so much at the same fucking time. now i know why sometimes intense love can fester overnight to intense hate. bitterness festered, and grew.

had alot of fun last friday celebrating Rach's 20th birthday..... finally, she's 20..... hehe...

photos are here: http://carinez1.multiply.com/photos/album/36

went for some photo taking sessions after dinner... and really managed to digest quite alot..... hahah since we walked and walked and walked....... then headed to may's hse for some drinks.... and as usual..... slacked there till early morn....... heh.....

cant wait to go out and have fun later..... cant wait cant wait........... im supposed to have cold war with him today.... im not supposed to msg him today...... i must remember not to msg him...... i must remember...