im really such a failure. i've failed terribly. Realised it was my mistake all awhile. My life is so controlled by everyone around me. i feel like a puppet. and realised all along, i've always been a puppet. all my movements, watever i do, are all controlled by others. be it my bf, frens, or family. i can never balance them all.

frens: i know i've always disappointed you guys.. by always rejecting.. by always being the wet blanket.. by always being the wimp.. im sorry.. so terribly sorry.. i know im those sort of person who'll nvr be there when my frens need me.. cos i'm always bounded by some reasons or another.. i always give excuses..im always not there..

bf: i know.. i've always disappointed you too... i've always done things that you don't like.. things that you dun like always happened to be wat i used to want to do.. or things that my frens ask me to do.. but i've realised watever i do.. i can nvr balance out between all 3 of them.. i always feel that im so fully utilised by everyone.. even my little bro knows how to manipulate me..

family: i've been a great disappointment in my family too.. i'm nvr home.. i've nvr played my part as a good daughter, as a good sis.. im nvr there when my bro needs help for homework.. i'll nvr be there when my mum has got tonnes of hsework to do.. and i'm always the one whose spending most of the money at home.. while nvr contributing anything.. but when im home.. i cant be with my bf and frens.. and when im wif my bf.. i cant be wif my frens and family..

take for example yesterday.. i had just less than a bottle of drink at holland v wif lynn and veron.. cos i knew that veron is feeling so down.. and i just wanna be there for her.. i just wanted to accompany as a fren.. but i contradicted my vow to my bf that i'll wont drink.. and when im out wif them.. my mum called.. saying my bro's been waiting for me to get home to teach him his homework.. and so i contradicted my vow tat i wanna be a good sis..

i think i've lost myself.. im not even me anymore.. i dono wat i am now... im just ppl's push-around..

maybe this is just retribution.. maybe i shouldn't have stopped my bf frm smoking in the first place.. to say the truth.. i know i've been very hard on him to ask him to quit smoking.. it's been so long alrdy.. and i've always been controlling his number of cigarettes ever since we got together... thruout the years.. i've given in at times.. letting him a puff or 2 when i felt like it.. but that was about all.. and now... i myself is being controlled by so many things in life..

maybe i should have just stopped controlling him... and now in return im controlled by many more things.. i guess it was the biggest mistake of my life..

the conversation wif him just now left me speechless.. left me wondering wat the hell my life is really about... i told him i went drinking wif my frens, but just a little... really a little.. he kept quiet.. i knew he was pissed.. and i asked him... he said no. he's not pissed. just said 'nvm, frm now on, i wun control you anymore, and u dun control me either'. i knew this was coming.. but i WANT to be controlled by him! cos i want to control him! i want to stop him smoking! but im contradicting myself! cos i want to drink wif my frens if need be!! i want to be there for my frens when they are down!! and drink down their sorrows wif them! i want to be the old me!!

but he just went on and on abt not wanting to control me anymore.. i dunt want.. i want him to control me.. i dun want him to talk this way.. i hate him to talk this way.. i really do.. i know he's affected.. i know he's saying wat he doesnt mean,.,. but why must he say them out loud just to throw my faults right into my face? he's trying to say tat it's been my own doings all these while by controlling him!! and now i know how he feels when he's controlled!

someone tell me what shud i do when he tells me "i dun wanna control you anymore, im not pissed. seriously, im not angry! just go and do watever you want, then u dun come and bother wat ever i do" how the hell am i supposed to answer tat.. wat can i say?? i din say anything.. tears just flowed.. and flowed..

all my life i've been such a let down.. to everyone i know.. not even my bf understands me.. all my life i've been contradicting myself. i control ppl, yet i dun wanna be controlled by ppl, yet i also let myself get controlled by ppl.. i dun think anyone knows wat the fuck im talking abt..