im really such a failure. i've failed terribly. Realised it was my mistake all awhile. My life is so controlled by everyone around me. i feel like a puppet. and realised all along, i've always been a puppet. all my movements, watever i do, are all controlled by others. be it my bf, frens, or family. i can never balance them all.

frens: i know i've always disappointed you guys.. by always rejecting.. by always being the wet blanket.. by always being the wimp.. im sorry.. so terribly sorry.. i know im those sort of person who'll nvr be there when my frens need me.. cos i'm always bounded by some reasons or another.. i always give excuses..im always not there..

bf: i know.. i've always disappointed you too... i've always done things that you don't like.. things that you dun like always happened to be wat i used to want to do.. or things that my frens ask me to do.. but i've realised watever i do.. i can nvr balance out between all 3 of them.. i always feel that im so fully utilised by everyone.. even my little bro knows how to manipulate me..

family: i've been a great disappointment in my family too.. i'm nvr home.. i've nvr played my part as a good daughter, as a good sis.. im nvr there when my bro needs help for homework.. i'll nvr be there when my mum has got tonnes of hsework to do.. and i'm always the one whose spending most of the money at home.. while nvr contributing anything.. but when im home.. i cant be with my bf and frens.. and when im wif my bf.. i cant be wif my frens and family..

take for example yesterday.. i had just less than a bottle of drink at holland v wif lynn and veron.. cos i knew that veron is feeling so down.. and i just wanna be there for her.. i just wanted to accompany as a fren.. but i contradicted my vow to my bf that i'll wont drink.. and when im out wif them.. my mum called.. saying my bro's been waiting for me to get home to teach him his homework.. and so i contradicted my vow tat i wanna be a good sis..

i think i've lost myself.. im not even me anymore.. i dono wat i am now... im just ppl's push-around..

maybe this is just retribution.. maybe i shouldn't have stopped my bf frm smoking in the first place.. to say the truth.. i know i've been very hard on him to ask him to quit smoking.. it's been so long alrdy.. and i've always been controlling his number of cigarettes ever since we got together... thruout the years.. i've given in at times.. letting him a puff or 2 when i felt like it.. but that was about all.. and now... i myself is being controlled by so many things in life..

maybe i should have just stopped controlling him... and now in return im controlled by many more things.. i guess it was the biggest mistake of my life..

the conversation wif him just now left me speechless.. left me wondering wat the hell my life is really about... i told him i went drinking wif my frens, but just a little... really a little.. he kept quiet.. i knew he was pissed.. and i asked him... he said no. he's not pissed. just said 'nvm, frm now on, i wun control you anymore, and u dun control me either'. i knew this was coming.. but i WANT to be controlled by him! cos i want to control him! i want to stop him smoking! but im contradicting myself! cos i want to drink wif my frens if need be!! i want to be there for my frens when they are down!! and drink down their sorrows wif them! i want to be the old me!!

but he just went on and on abt not wanting to control me anymore.. i dunt want.. i want him to control me.. i dun want him to talk this way.. i hate him to talk this way.. i really do.. i know he's affected.. i know he's saying wat he doesnt mean,.,. but why must he say them out loud just to throw my faults right into my face? he's trying to say tat it's been my own doings all these while by controlling him!! and now i know how he feels when he's controlled!

someone tell me what shud i do when he tells me "i dun wanna control you anymore, im not pissed. seriously, im not angry! just go and do watever you want, then u dun come and bother wat ever i do" how the hell am i supposed to answer tat.. wat can i say?? i din say anything.. tears just flowed.. and flowed..

all my life i've been such a let down.. to everyone i know.. not even my bf understands me.. all my life i've been contradicting myself. i control ppl, yet i dun wanna be controlled by ppl, yet i also let myself get controlled by ppl.. i dun think anyone knows wat the fuck im talking abt..

You scored as Romantic Kisser. Good for you! You know how to kiss and hopefully you have a certain someone to experience a serge of happiness with. If not, it doesnt hurt to flirt kiss a little hehe. Just dont get carried away. Romantic kissing is always a plus! Kissing is an art keep it up and youll be really good! Romantic Kisser 69% Yippy Ki Yay! 38% Dont quit your day job... 31% How good do you kiss? created with QuizFarm.com

Im aching alllll over... i went running on Sunday night.. and ached all over till now.. i only ran for like 20mins around my estate... really really lack of stamina.. i realised i can swim so much more than i can run... gosh.. BUT AFTER RUNNING I HAD SUPPER WIF MY DAD!!! ARGH!!! so wats the whole bloody point of the run.. im such a shit ass. stupid. no brain. glutton. and im still aching till now.. how loserish.. anyway.. had crystal jade yesterday night wif my bf.. and realised i got sick of the suan la mian... real sick.. couldn't even finish it.. maybe had it to many times alrdy... we ordered one xiao long bao and one chilli oil dumplings. and he ordered another bowl of noodles too. we are pigs. gluttons times 2. gluttons to the power of 2. there goes my run. got so tired for nothing. and he din find the food at crystal jade nice at all. only the xiao long bao. he just said "ok la".

actually.. i felt quite hurt.. i've been trying so hard all these while just to find something that he really really will love to eat.. whenever he said that some food is nice.. i'll feel so damn happy and accomplished.. i dono why.. i will just feel so happy.. "wow.. my bf loves this food.. i must buy this often for him..." but it's like he nvr love any food at all.. he doesn't like everything i eat.. and i always try eating watever he likes.. i always try to bring him to new places to find wat he likes to eat.. he doesn't seem to like any food.. every food to him is like "ok la".. i know once when he ate something nice.. his eyes glittered.... he will say "wah best best best... " i found it damn cute.. i'd love to see that look on his face agn.... a lost expression.. an expression that i couldn't find back.. no matter how hard i tried..

i mean, there must be SOMETHING that he really likes right

??? tat will keep him eating and eating agn and agn rite?? like me.. i like beef noodles, i like nydc, i love cheese, i like churros! but he hates churros to the core!! i simply cant understand why!.. he hates too much cheese too! i dono wat he likes! sometimes i feel im such a failure.. i know he likes xiang chang frm pasa malam.. but when i asked him yest, (cos i te di went all the way to find a pasa malam and bought a xiang chang for him), he said he finds it "ok" only.. dashed my heart.. broke my heart.. felt so disappointed.. i thought i knew my bf well..

i know he loves tiramisu.. but whenever i asked him he will also say.. "i find it ok only la" haizz....

do u guys know wat im talking abt or not?? i mean, the "high" u get when u know ur bf loves something so much?? ESPECIALLY when the BOTH of u love to eat the SAME kind of food?? how i wish and wish for that day to come.. then we can share our joy together when we are enjoying our favourite food.. then we can share the craves we will get in the middle of the night for THE food.. so cool right...

Suntec...

Me and Vel at Suntec... nice place to take pics!!

Me and Vel's Garfield...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Carine Wan Kai Lin
Birthday:	19th May
Birthplace:	S'pore
Current Location:	Hougang
Eye Color:	JET BLACK
Hair Color:	oh, tinted hair now.. used to be damn black..
Height:	167cm
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Chinese, im a bloody cheena..
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Sandals i think..
Your Weakness:	too soft hearted. :P low self esteem
Your Fears:	height. exciting rides.
Your Perfect Pizza:	errrrrr..... damn cheesy pizza..
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	get into uni.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"oh i see.." "anyways.."
Thoughts First Waking Up:	I WANT TO SLEEP LONGER
Your Best Physical Feature:	nuthing. im just an ugly bitch.
Your Bedtime:	ANYTIME. i can sleep anywhere anytime.
Your Most Missed Memory:	Band times..
Pepsi or Coke:	coke..
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Mac..
Single or Group Dates:	single..
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	lipton ice tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	neither..
Do you Smoke:	nope
Do you Swear:	yes, often
Do you Sing:	yes, always go kboxing
Do you Shower Daily:	yes.
Have you Been in Love:	yes, still am.
Do you want to go to College:	went alrdy.
Do you want to get Married:	yes.
Do you belive in yourself:	nope.. as i've said..i've got low self esteem..
Do you get Motion Sickness:	YES, OFTEN, IF NT WATS THE USE OF MY MEDICATED OIL.
Do you think you are Attractive:	NOPE. LOW SELF ESTEEM REMEMBER?!!
Are you a Health Freak:	NOPE.
Do you get along with your Parents:	sometimes, but rather seldom.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	nope. im afraid of lightnings.
Do you play an Instrument:	yes. i can play a few. Piano, Tuba, Guitar, percussion maybe? violin, auxilliary percussion, saxaphone frm do to so, and of cos, recorder. BAHA.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	nope.
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	nope.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	nope.
Ever been Drunk:	yes.
Ever been called a Tease:	nope.
Ever been Beaten up:	nope.
Ever Shoplifted:	nope.
How do you want to Die:	peacefully.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	damn fucking rich.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Egypt. Italy. ANYWHERE BUT S'PORE
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	anything. black.
Favourite Hair Color:	anything.
Short or Long Hair:	SHORT AH.
Height:	TALL.
Weight:	fat fat. chubby hubby!
Best Clothing Style:	ah? slack.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	oh alot. frm doctors ah.
Number of CDs I own:	few.
Number of Piercings:	had 5, became 2.
Number of Tattoos:	none.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	regret not studying for A levels.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I am so so so gonna die of diabetes someday.. i down sweet/gasy drinks (to put in exact, iced lemon tea) like im drinking plain water... i really shud learn frm vel and carry a bottle of water whereever i go.. but even if i bring my bottle along i wouldn't drink it!! i'd probably fill it up wif ribena or something... ARGH. im going to die of rotten fingers and toes.. oh man.. yucks..

i love iced lemon tea... argh............

my life is so unproductive.. stagnant.. boring.. no life.. haizzZZZz...

im bored..



maybe shud i try to write novels wif my so bloody bad english?


pls.. someone stop me.. if i start.. everyone's gonna throw rotten eggs at me..

my life WAS happening... WAS...

All my life i've just always been the person who gets pushed around by everyone.. I live my life for others.. all my life i've always been the middle-man.. and always get into alot of undeserved troubles for that.. im always the one who solves other ppl's woes and troubles.. everyone but myself.. im always the one who listens to their troubles, be their listening post.. im always the one behind the scenes to help pull strings for many couples.. i was always the one who will be willing to sacrifice whoever i had crush on, to any of my good friends.. but it always came to a point such that whenever i needed help, no one seems to be there... till now.. at least i've got my bf to rely on... or do i?


suddenly felt like a loser.. and realised i've been a real loser all these while.. being the soft-hearted-push-around-dun-dare-to-do-anything-carine. or was i really really like tat? i remembered a couple of times when i did flare up.. but tat was only once in a blue moon... someone tell me whether is this a good thing or a bad thing? and yes, i admit. i dun have my own opinions. my opinions are my fren's opinions. my sense of fashion was influenced by all my friends combined. or do i EVEN HAVE ANY SENSE OF FASHION?

or am i just a pessismist? if i am, im a very good one.

and i only vent my frustrations on my family members. sometimes i really feel so sorry but i cant bare to say it out. i dun dare. i dun like to talk to them nicely, makes me feel awkward. cos they really are the dearest to me. i know im just a very very bad daughter and sis. i cant help it. i always scream at my alrdy-so-ke-lian lil' bro.. he's always alone at hm.. he doesn't have anyone to talk to except us.. whom only goes hm occasionally.. whom will only scream at him when we go home..minxiong really sleeps very very very late at night.. at ard 12..or later... sometimes i really wonder if he's actually waiting for me or my bro to go hm so he'll have someone to talk to... and he really loves my bf.. LOVES... my bf is the only one who WONT EVER scold him.. and will always take care of him.. teach him phonics.. i always feel so damn guilty.. being his sister.. i wont even bother teaching him to read.. i wont even bother to talk to him.. it's nt tat i dun bother.. it's just tat i always get damn frustrated when im home.. i always wanna get out of the bloody hse and get out of the way of my mum's path.. she's a damn bloody good nagger.. she nags and nags and nags abt the same thing over and over agn... and wat's worst.. she always gets angry for NUTHING. i believe she might actually be going thru an early phase of geng nian qi. seriously, sometimes i really cant stand her. and her mood swings is like. once every min. she can be talking sooooooooooooooo damn nice this min, and ranting and ranting on and on the nxt. and one thing, i cant stand her superstitiousness. she stuffs dono-wat leaves in my bag, wallet everytime. sometimes i just throw them away. but i feel bad after tat. and she kept calling me to warn me abt April 9th, THE DAY when some disaster will happen. which is like tml ah. and she's arldy called me like, 5times today alrdy? to ask me to avoid going out tml if i can, to be careful when i go out, to stay in buildings if i do go out. GOD. STAY IN BUILDINGS. can u believe it. how superstitious can she be? and she actually goes to "wen shen" one lor. those ppl who invites spirits of monkey god or guan yin into their bodies. i really dono whether they are real or not, most prob rach will say they're nt, but sometimes i'd rather believe there's such things than there isn't, rite? just to be safe? i wouldnt' want to jump to such conclusions.

watching hse of fury made me want to listen to my mum more.. just in case wat she's been trying to tell me all these yrs have been true all the while.. but all along i've been saying she's bull-shitting..

hmmmmmm.... i love to read one of this fren's blog.. so nice... i love stories... she can be novel writer..and a good one too..

anyway, went out wif vel today.. so fun.. we watched house of fury.. quite nice show.. the fighting scenes are good.. are or were? the show's still showing rite? :P ate nydc in the afternoon and im still so damn full now.. I REALLY SHUD CUT DOWN ON THOSE CHEESE! I LOVE CHEESE! BUT MY CHEESE INTAKE IS REALLY!!!!!.. ARGH.. took some pics.. but too bad.. im at bf's hse now... cant post it on blog..

dono wat's wif my bf.. he keeps having to go work.. and he seems soooooooooo busy.. he even have to go work this sunday AGAIN... and maybe nxt sunday too..

im going swimming on monday night agn... cos most probably he'll be too tired to meet me on monday... veron u onz agn? :P lynn wanna go?? i need to shed some weight..

kbox2 photos------- http://sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/geo_a_go/album?.dir=c45e&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//sg.photos.yahoo.com/ph//my_photos

kbox2!

kbox!

I am 18% evil. href="Take'>http://www.koolplace.com/tests/hell.php">Take the test

Those were the days.. my glory days.... all passed and away.. haizz... I think i looked so much more skinnier in the past.. and so much tanner.. and i think my section looks so shuai in the uniform and my tuba!!!! i love my HUGEEEEEE tuba.. though huge, heavy, and clumsy... my tuba was my best company in band.. haizz...

miss band so much...............

"Squad sediya!" "hanta gaki gi pat hanta!".. i used to shout these at my section and made them repeatedly redo these simple stunts.. i used to make them spin with their tubas till their head spinned.. i used to shout at them "heads up, stomach in, chest out!"

"do tat agn and u hanta 100 eights for me! is tat clear!!!" "YES MA'AM!"

Me, Zixian (Band leader) and Wei Jun (Assistant Section Leader).. my best pals in my section..

Marching in for SYF.. look at our shiny instruments..

Look at me and the BIG HUGE TUBA.. ME in action..

SUAVE!

Those were the days when I was skinnier.. HAIZ..

Me and Vel in uniform.. look how tanned i was..

Tuba Section..

me and Vel..

JJAM

JJAM plus neil and jason..

JJAM D KAVE JACKS

feel like shopping... dono why.. but no money!!... ARGHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh.... i wanna buy clothes.. shoes.. one of my heels caused me to fall down twice in town..all my shoes so damn slippery.. i need a skirt.. i need many many many tops.. i want guess jeans.. help me..

swimming was DAMN TIRING... im so bloody fucking tired now.. whole body aching.. gosh....... 1000m wasn't fer nuthing. I WANNA BLOODY SHED THOSE EXTRAS AROUND MY ABDOMEN! SPARE TYRE! BLOODY HELL! and my butt!!! ARGH! so fat and round i think anyone bump into my bum will fly!

anyway.. hubby poor thing.. so hardworking for wat.. work so hard for wat.. :P

Genting...

Finally knew how lynn did the collage thing... hehehe..

Such a cool and nice day to sleeppppp... feel sooooooo sleepy...

Had great fun talking to veron yesterday.. :P was supposed to go swimming but ended up going to my dad's place and ate and ate and ate.. we ate sOOO much.. such a sin.. anyway, met Arthur Kok at my Dad's stall.. so QIAO.. he was like: 'this is ur dad??? i always come here to eat at ur dad's stall!' and he turned and talked to my dad in CHINESE can u believe it.. hearing him say chinese is so FARNY. "wo jiao ta GP" and i think my dad treated him fish soup after tat.. my dad loves my teachers.. since primary school..

woke up so early this moring just to go for the DUMB basic theory lesson.. and its DUMB.. the instructor kept harping on his freak accident yesterday and din get ANYTHING done. I even got my pens and highlighters out so eager to learn something interesting.. and all i learnt was some stupid insurance things that wont be tested.. ya and i learnt wind can break windscreen of cars.. BLOODY helll.. waste of my time. and $$!!

I dono why but i hate this bitch called xiaxue though i've nvr met her before.. :P just DUN LIKE HER.

my best friend..

Suddenly miss my best friend alot when she sent me a link to all her photos...

Really miss those secondary school days and those days in band..

anyway, went bbdc just now and applied for driving.. gosh.. its damn ex.. i had to pay 120bucks up front.. and i heard frm my frens bbdc is twice more expensive than private driving lessons.. but anyway.. the passing rate at bbdc is also twice better.. :P and the time to finish the course is also so much faster... I HOPE. im so clumsy and dumb i hope i wun scare my driving tutor..

ANYWAY its still too early to say.. i haven even take the BASIC theory test yet.. I was given a whole bag of papers and books when I applied at bbdc just now.. and it got me all confused.. and the lady there said the nxt test is only available in april or may.. and that's DAMN LONG.. i just want to get this over and done with FAST..

IM BORED.

Tuition was fun.. Amanda is really sooooooooooo cute and intelligent.. she earned herself one sticker just now.. and when i told her that she could exchange 15stickers for a present her face totally lit up.. so cute!

my hippo!...

Genting was OK.. a little boring though.. cos i just went there like 6mths ago? All the things were the same.. but there was one new ride but I din dare to take it!!! I din take ALOT of rides man.. was hell scared.. ended up only rode on an elephant.. :P waste of money.. spent alot of money there... around 300+ singdollars.. lost money at the casino at the jackpot machines.. bloody hell..

1st day I was stopped by the stupid security guard at the casino.. damn.. do i look so baby- face? but thank goodness i was let in THE OTHER casino.. heh.. but now i wished i wasn't let in cos i lost so much money!

anyway, theme park on the second day was quite fun.... there was both indoor and outdoor.. but one thing... it was damn bloody cold at genting!.. and the fog was damn thick.. so half the time we were squinting thru fogs.. YA! i went SNOWCITY this time round! SO FUN!! me, my bf and my frens went running ard throwing snowballs at each other! SO FUN! and there was this ice slide in the snowcity.. so freaking scary! i was screaming all the way down.. DAMN SLIPPERY AND FAST!

anyway hubby bought me a cuteeeeeeeeeee hippo tat talks.. "I love you!" so cute!!! and he was soooo nice to slip it into my pouch as a surprise... WOOhh!!.. FIRST surprise ever!! i was soooooooo happy and touched... love you so much hubby!!..

anyway.. i've always thought having tuition sucked hard core.. i din know GIVING tuition sucked even more!.. especially if ur student is a philipino! ARGH. she's almost like a malay who doesnt know chinese at all! someone tell me how to teach such kids... and i've got a pri3 girl tml.. also teaching chinese.. only for 130 bucks.. 8 lessons a mth, 1 and half hr each.. tats like only 10.8 an hr? quite pathetic.. i've had tuition all my life since pri sch and i know the rates arent's so little.. :P

Genting was OK.. a little boring though.. cos i just went there like 6mths ago? All the things were the same.. but there was one new ride but I din dare to take it!!! I din take ALOT of rides man.. was hell scared.. ended up only rode on an elephant.. :P waste of money.. spent alot of money there... around 300+ singdollars.. lost money at the casino at the jackpot machines.. bloody hell..

1st day I was stopped by the stupid security guard at the casino.. damn.. do i look so baby- face? but thank goodness i was let in THE OTHER casino.. heh.. but now i wished i wasn't let in cos i lost so much money!

anyway, theme park on the second day was quite fun.... there was both indoor and outdoor.. but one thing... it was damn bloody cold at genting!.. and the fog was damn thick.. so half the time we were squinting thru fogs.. YA! i went SNOWCITY this time round! SO FUN!! me, my bf and my frens went running ard throwing snowballs at each other! SO FUN! and there was this ice slide in the snowcity.. so freaking scary! i was screaming all the way down.. DAMN SLIPPERY AND FAST!

anyway hubby bought me a cuteeeeeeeeeee hippo tat talks.. "I love you!" so cute!!! and he was soooo nice to slip it into my pouch as a surprise... WOOhh!!.. FIRST surprise ever!! i was soooooooo happy and touched... love you so much hubby!!..

anyway.. i've always thought having tuition sucked hard core.. i din know GIVING tuition sucked even more!.. especially if ur student is a philipino! ARGH. she's almost like a malay who doesnt know chinese at all! someone tell me how to teach such kids... and i've got a pri3 girl tml.. also teaching chinese.. only for 130 bucks.. 8 lessons a mth, 1 and half hr each.. tats like only 10.8 an hr? quite pathetic.. i've had tuition all my life since pri sch and i know the rates arent's so little.. :P

hotel room..

fountain..

green scaly thingy!!...

Elephant ride at genting!

PHOTOS....

hard rock cafe photos: http://www.imagestation.com/album/index.html?id=2130439636

Sentosa photos: http://sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/geo_a_go/album?.dir=fae4&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//sg.photos.yahoo.com/ph//my_photos

Office photos: http://sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/geo_a_go/album?.dir=6ab3&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/geo_a_go/my_photos

Genting photos:

http://sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/chiang_cheng_yong/album?.dir=a165&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph//my_photos

You're a princess! Lovely, Innocent and Charming.

"You are a Princess! Lovely, Innocent, Charming! As a Princess you recognize there is so much about the world you need to learn. You may sometimes be naive but other times you are wise beyond your years! You are sharp, observant, joyous, and interested in your own personal growth. You have a very caring heart, and are a sweet and beautiful woman. "

bahahaha... saw the quiz on veron's blog and decided to do it too..so bored.. anyway, the quiz was quite wrong.. :P im definitely not a beautiful woman. heh.

WATS WRONG WIF THE WORLD.

Going genting tml... bonvoyage. :P

Had a passport saga yesterday. Thought genting had to be cancelled.. STUPID ICA. They said my passport photo was damaged. FUCK. wat damaged. I handed to them a BRAND NEW photo and i thought i could collect it the day before. then suddenly they said my photo damaged and i cant get my passport. THANK GOD i requested for it to be done asap cos i'll be going o/s soon then they did it for me within half an hr. i mean, they should have informed me earlier tat my photo was damaged or wat rite? haiz. gave me such a huge scare.

maybe i'll just stay awake till tml morning and sleep on the bus.. it'll be such a lonnggggggggggggg ride there..

http://sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/geo_a_go/album?.dir=e026&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//sg.photos.yahoo.com/ph//my_photos

A2 photos on my yahoo...

scared.. tml teaching tuition for the first time of my life.. teach chinese somemore.. dono can cope or not.. i sure damn stressed.. anyway, was damn bored today.. was filling up the universities stuff till i wanna faint.. printed a hell load of stuffs too.. bloody printer.. cant work without anyone of the cartridge.. then got so many different cartridges for wat?

anyway... i was damn bored.. went westmall eat alone.. wanted to buy books to read but cant find good book.. went to buy cartridge.. went to buy dinner for minxiong.. lonely.. no one to talk to..

din had anyone to talk to the whole of today.. was right beside him.. but he din talk to me.. neither did i talk..

im a block of wood. im a block of wood. im a block. im a block. im a block who doesnt talk. im a block. im a block. im a block who doesnt talk. im just a block of wood. im going to hypnotise myself to be a block of wood infront of him. he dun want to talk then forget it. im not going to talk too. im going to refrain myself frm talking to him, msging him, calling him. let him do all the stuff i used to do for him. but i can bet he wun. if he doesnt want to then forget it.

Yesterday's sentosa trip was quite ok. except for the fact tat the girls were all in one group and the guys all in the other. we were so separated. i din really have fun as i was itching all the time. din realise i was allergic to sun block too. call me allergy girl.

Didn't join them after sentosa.. regret. really regret. went my bf hse and regretted. he din even acknowlege tat i was at his hse. when i went there he was sleeping. still, he should have at least gave a sign tat he knew i was there. i woke him up and asked him if he knew i was there, and he said he knew. tat was when i felt so hurt. he knew i was alrdy in his room but he din give a damn, din even bother saying hi to me or something like tat. long long ago when i went his hse when he was sleeping, he'd always hug me, he'd always at least hug me and acknowlege tat im there.

the whole night i was feeling fuck. i was having fever. my whole body was burning, but i was shivering damn hard. i felt so cold yet so hot. i coudn't even sleep cos of my bloody fucking rashes. i was tossing and turning ard. he din even bother. he just slept on. i wanted to run away frm his hse. but i knew he'll be angry agn.

this morning he just went off after saying bye. he din even wait for me to say bye.

i know i did something he dun like yesterday. but i still think its no big deal. why can everyone do it while i can't! i dun think im in any wrong! AT ALL!

even if im wrong i alrdy made it up by going his hse!

he din pick any of my calls yesterday. din reply any of my msgs. he did it agn today. din pick any calls, din reply any msgs.

i finally did it. i msged him and said i want to break up. guess wat he said. 'u say one ah.' someone tell me exactly wat does he mean by tat. he sounds like he really wants this break up.

being the pathetic gf agn, i msged me him agn and apologised. i said tonnes of sorry. i called him a million times. he still din reply my msgs, still din pick up my calls.

i've never been treated like this before. i dun think i deserve all this. i really think i din do anything wrong.

i always felt i was so lonely even though i was standing right beside him. cos im always by myself. he nvr talked to me when we were out. we always keep quiet and stare at each other. i mean, i stare at him. he will always have his gaze elsewhere. i dun even feel like im his gf at all, nt even a fren.

i kept thinking back those times when we had so much things to talk abt. when we went so many places and had so much fun. kept thinking back to those times when he will hug me, whisper sweet nothings to me, kiss me, give me a peck on the cheek. how i wish and wish and wish we will be back to wat we were a yr ago.. how i really really wish..

FUCKING BORING BF AND BORING LIFE!

seriously my life is so much more fucking boring than anyone else's. FUCKING BORING.

i've got a FUCKING BORING bf who does NOTHING FOR ME AT ALL! NOTHING! he doesn't give me any surprises! he's NEVER gave me any surprises at all! HE DOESNT GIVE A SHIT! HE DOESNT CARE IF WE'RE DOING THE SAME THINGS EVERY EVERY EVERY EVERY SINGLE DAY! HE DOESNT CARE IF WE DUN EVEN TALK WHEN WE'RE OUT! HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK IF BOTH OF US ARE JUST STARING INTO BLANK SPACES WHENEVER WE MEET! WE FUCKING EAT THE SAME THINGS EVERYDAY! WE TALK THE SAME STUFF EVERYDAY! 'WAT U WANT TO EAT?' 'U DECIDE AH' 'I DONO WAT TO EAT'

IM DOING FUCKING ROUTINED STUFF EVERYDAY! EITHER I GO HIS HSE OR I GO BACK MINE! OR WHEN IM BACK AT HOME I GO OUT AGN AT 5PLUS TO WAIT FOR HIM AT CLEMENTI TO EAT PORRIDGE! OR I GO HIS HSE AND EAT DINNER AND AFTER DINNER BOTH OF US JUST SLACK IN HIS ROOM AND WATCH TV! AND SAY NUTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DOESN'T EVEN ASK WAT I SAY WIF MY FRENS WHEN IM OUT WIF THEM! HE DOESN'T EVEN ASK WHERE THE FUCK ME AND MY FRENS WENT!

SERIOUSLY IF HE DOESNT ASK THEN IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING TELL HIM ANYMORE!! NEVER!! I'LL NEVER REPORT ANYTHING TO HIM ANYMORE!!

HE TOLD ME HE WILL CHANGE! HE PROMISED ME HE WILL CHANGE HIS FUCKING ATTITUDE! HE SAID HE WILL TALK TO ME MORE! HE SAID HE WILL GIVE ME SURPRISES! BULLSHIT BULLSHITBULLSHITBULLSHIT!!! FUCKING BULLSHIT! FUCK IT! LIAR! BLOODY FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER SON OF A BITCH LIAR! FUCK OFF AND DIE! FUCK YOU!! GO TO HELL! CHANGE MY FUCKING ASS!

HOW PATHETIC CAN I BE!! WAT A PATHETIC GF I AM! FANCY NT HAVING RECEIVED ANY SURPRISES FRM HER BF BEFORE! NEVER IN MY LIFE!!

I WANT SURPRISES! I WANT TO DO SOMETHING NEW WIF HIM! I WANT TO GO NEW PLACES! I WANT TO DO NEW THINGS! I WANT TO TALK NEW STUFFS!! I WANT HIM TO MAKE THE FUCKING EFFORT IN THIS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!! IF HE DOESNT MAKE ANY EFFORTS THEN IM LETTING THIS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP DIE OFF! JUST DIE DIE DIE!! LET THIS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP BREAK! I DUN GIVE A FUCK!!

Me and hubby..

Jolly!!

office pals...

hello failure...

hopes dashed... dreams of getting into buisness course dashed.. dreams of even getting into any other local universities are dashed..

im stucked. B C E cant get me anywhere, and plus a lousy gp grade. even huixin got a better gp grade than me. she got B3. and her english is supposed to be so much worst than me. i really dont know wat happened. C5 for gp, how lousy can i get. anyone else got better than me. i feel so ruined.

WATEVER. GET INTO PRIVATE UNI AH! SO WAT IF IT'S PRIVATE! I STILL CAN GET MY DEGREE OVER THERE! ANYWAY IF U CAN GET A BLOODY MASTERS WHO CARES WHICH UNIVERSITIES U WERE FRM! MASTERS FRM ANYWHERE IS STILL MASTERS! IM GETTING MY FUCKING MASTERS! ya rite girl, dream on. u're just a lazy bitch.

TML............. THE LONG AWAITED NIGHTMARE................

haizZZZ.... i need to go for a swim.. but it's been raining these few days... anyway... i've been so preoccupied with my piano theory exams that seriously i haven't been thinking of anything else till yesterday when i heard the WHOLE WORLD telling me the results are gonna be out tml... SHIT.

suddenly i was brought back to reality.. all along i haven been feeling anything for this A levels.. till yesterday. suddenly felt my whole body turned rigid when i heard the news... how the hell am i going to go through today... i've been thinking and thinking back for all my subjects... feels like i'm gonna fail all cos i've got such bad memories of finishing my papers.. and everytime i finished one paper.. its not relief.. it's actually 'shit.. im gonna fail this paper'

anyway.. the only thing that comforts me is tat i can get to see my class again.. but seriously.. tat doesnt comfort me enough.. haizZZZz....

sad..

think its me.

nvrmind la. haiz.

anyway, i've got A levels to worry abt..

i cant believe it.. and there i was encouraging him on my blog to jia you and quit smoking.. he went his police department chalet and started smoking agn.. i give up. i give up totally. he said i nvr encourage him. there he was smoking when i was encouraging him on my blog. he doesnt even read my fucking blog. how the fuck does he know whether i did encourage him or nt. fuck it. he said he will give me surprises, he will change, he will quit, he will talk to me more, he will tell me things. but he din. he din even fucking TRY AT ALL!

I HATE THE FUCKING FEELING WHEN IM RIGHT BESIDE HIM AND I DUN FEEL ANY LOVE AT ALL! COS IN THE FIRST PLACE HE DOESNT EVEN TALK TO ME! I HATE THE FEELING WHEN IM OUT HERE IN HIS SIS ROOM BLOGGING WHEN HE'S IN HIS ROOM WATCHING TV! WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SO NEAR YET SO FAR! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ONLY FRENS OR EVEN LESSER THAN TAT! WHY DOESNT HE EVEN TRY TO TELL ME THINGS! WHY DOESNT HE EVEN TRY TO QUIT! NOT EVEN FOR THE SAKE OF ME!!

THE FUCKING PHOTOS ARE ALL FALSE FRONTS! I FORCED HIM TO TAKE THOSE PHOTOS!! HE DOESN'T SMILE WHEN HE TAKE PICTURES AND I HAD TO FORCE HIM TO SMILE! HE DOESNT SMILE WHEN HE TAKE PICTURES WITH ME! IT WASN'T OUT OF HIS LOVE FOR ME! IT WAS JUST COS HE DIN WANT ME TO NAG! COUPLES TAKE PICTURES AND GUYS WILLINGLY SMILE BECAUSE THEY CAN FEEL THE LOVE FOR THEIR GFS! COS THEY THINK ITS A BLESSFUL THINK TO TAKE PICTURES WITH THEIR GFS! BUT NOT MY BF! HE THINKS ITS A TORTURE TO TAKE PICTURES!!

I FEEL SO DAMN FUCKING LONELY EVEN THOUGH IM AT HIS FUCKING HSE! I FEEL DAMN FUCKING LONELY! I FEEL DAMN FUCKING COLD!

me and hubby pictures.. http://www.imagestation.com/album/?id=2130258518

my colleague pictures i just put up some other time... no time.. super tired nw..heh

Today was my last day of wrk.. surprisingly i felt a tiny bit of 'bu she de'.. bu she de frens i met there.. they were all soOOooooOO funny and nice today.. suddenly when i had to leave everything seemed so fun.. but anyway.. i THINK i wun regret quitting.. :P at least i can get to sleep more.. BAHAHAH... guess wat.. tat day when i din go wrk i slept 14hrs.. im one hell of a sleeper.. i hate computers... i only blog when im upset.. or bored.. anyway.. i tried sooo hard to wrk out wif my bf.. tried to control my temper.. and he said he will try too.. though i STILL din see any difference.. except the fact that he's been trying to quit smoking and hasn't smoked for 5days? i'll see how long he can last.. he said he will quit like 2yrs ago... anyway.. dun say i nvr 'jia you' him.. JIA YOU!

i think i will miss dialler.. i think i will miss cacs? will i? :P i think life will turn boring once i stop work.. as in.. all my frens are all working! hey come on frens, jio me out. and lynn. we will be slackinng from nxt wk on.. let's meet up at holland v someday.. just sit there and talk cock, or even just sit there and read story books.. i dun mind.. u guys read.. i study my theory exams.. i miss studying at coffee club.. i miss studying at cck cc.. i miss 'studying' wif THE gang.. lynn, may,rach, sam, ken.. 'studying' cos we nvr did really 'STUDY'; we just sat there and talked and talked and talked....my goodness... i cant believe i actually miss jjc.. im such a loser.. gosh.

anyway i'll miss my job.. FOR AWHILE... heh.. will just miss my colleagues tats all.. will miss jojo, moey, boon, puay, keth, hedi....... hahah.. notice all the 4 letter nicks? actually i only know my colleagues by nicks.. :P

td prev cco tat i will miss them... for awhile.. td prev cco to take care.... take care of my lc waivers and my ts!... prev ccos were suddenly so fun to be with on my laz day of wrk... td jojo to take care while we're gone and dun miss us.. td lyne tat i wun miss her cos i expect we'll be meeting up alot as we'll be officially in the jobless club when everyone else are wrking.. even our bfs.. :P

td my bf to try to be a better bf... and i'll try to be a better gf too...

td THE gang tat i wanna meet them up!!!! im damn free nw!! ask me out! let's go shopping! let's go swimming! let's go kbox!! let's go holland v coffee club and slack and reminish old times!!

i sound like a credit controller...

i can proudly tell everyone i WAS frm CTB CCMU= citibank credit control management unit.

i'm so proud i worked for more than 2mths, so damn proud of myself.. and proud of lynn too!! we survived!! we did it!! we earned our first ever pay in our entire lives and even managed to give some money to our parents!! we managed to survive working life (for awhile) despite our golden-spoon life in the past!

hello old life. or is it?

TO THE FUCKER WHO DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME AND WHO DOESNT READ MY BLOG!!!




FUCK OFF AND




DIE!!!!




I'VE ALRDY DELETED THE FUCKING LETTER TO YOU!! EVERYONE HAVE SEEN THE LETTER EXCEPT MY BF HIMSELF!! FUCK IT AH!!!! WATS THE FUCKING POINT OF GIVING U MY BLOG ADDRESS!! THE POINT IS TO LET U UNDERSTAND ME BETTER!! AND YOU DUN EVEN CARE! DUN EVEN WANT TO UNDERSTAND ME BETTER THEN I'M NT DOING ANYTHING FOR THIS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE!! TO HELL WIF THIS RELATIONSHIP I'M LETTING IT GO! ANYWAY U WANTED TO BREAK UP RIGHT! THEN LET'S DO IT THEN! ANYWAY U HAVEN EVEN ASKED FOR A PATCH!! PPL PATCH UP WIF FLOWERS AND GIFTS AND HUGS AND KISSES AND WAT THE FUCK DO I GET!!! JUZ A FEW SWEET TALKS AND I GOT TRICKED BY UR FILTHY MOUTH FILLED WITH STINKING TOBACCO!! FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I DUN HEAR U SAY AND SHOW TAT U WANT A PATCH THEN FORGET IT! LETS END IT.

damn sianz! lost so much!! around 40bucks... only got 250 bucks for new year this year... sooooooooooooooooooo un-money.. let's hope my pay gets in by nxt wk.. in FULL.. if nt i swear i'll burn kelly... i need to buy lots of things.. my bf's bday coming soon... need cash.. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

sooooooooooooooo damn bored man.. bloody hell.. just lost 10bucks frm gamblnig.. heh heh heh... all my frens either gambling nw or playing playstation.. ARGH! i feel so left out.. as usual.. my bf is so engaged in his games tat he doesn't give a damn.. so hungry... so sleepy.. no space to sleep.. so sianz.. no one cares.. PATHETIC!

and by the way... who wants to do buisness wif me... i wanna be my own boss and i dun wanna see lian se from anyone anymore.

anyway lynn.. our photos on this website alrdy.. http://www.imagestation.com/album/?id=2131165669

stupid fucking boss!! i hate my boss!!! ARGH!! i'm so fucking pissed!!!!!!! my boss wants me to go back work on NEW YEAR EVE! and the worst thing is everyone (as in every temps) dun need to go back except me and lynn!! so fucking suay!!! FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

i hate my fucking job!!! i get scolded every single day!! there isn't a day when i dun get scolded by customers!!!! and i tot i wont need to go work tml and get scolded!! but im going to do bloody damn admin!! i dunno how to use microsoft excel!!! ARGH. haiz.

and the worst worst worst thing is my bf doesnt even comfort me when im so damn upset!! he juz think im being stupid; petty; narrow minded!!! ARGH.! FUCK!!!!!

im going to give my boss one tight slap and hopes he sacks me! then i can get sacked on the spot and dun need to wait 5wrking days!! if i quit i still need to tell them 5 days in advance! WAT THE FUCK! come one sack me!!!! (ya ya ya ya! as if i dare to slap my boss!! i dun even dare tell him im nt free tml on cny eve!!!)

im such a loser.

SILENCE

THE SILENCE IS SO OVERWHELMING ITS ALMOST DEAFENING.

i beg u. talk to me. pls. talk to me. everyone else just fucking leave me alone!! i jus want my bf to talk to me!!! just TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont care if u shout! i dun care just talk!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE ANY SOUND JUST FILL MY LIFE WIF SOUNDS! FILL MY LIFE WIF UR VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

He takes the 'life' out of me. pun intended.

for those faggots who doesnt understand wats pun; 'life'='live'


im made so boring by him. my life is in silence cos of him. he took all the sounds away from my life. he's always keeping quiet, he doesnt show enthusiasms when he's out wif me. he doesnt show any expressions when he's out wif me. he keeps to himself. he sits down when he's shopping wif me. he looks away when he's talking to me. he doesnt talk to me. at all. he only talks to me when we're at his hse. sometimes, nt even at his hse. im living in a world of silence. im living alone, though he's always by my side. i talk to myself, even though he's right beside me. the colours have juz been taken out of my life. im living in a black and white picture. dull, lifeless, liveless, stone.

oc b o

oc o a

oc o o

oc o a 153 1/24

cm req l/c and f/c; td cm will waive out of gdwill; subject to management approv

gv rnr

im sure everyone thinks im talking gibberish.. but lynn noes best.. this is the kinda sucky work i do everyday...

rnr= ring and ring = nvr pick up

l/c= late charge

f/c=finance charge

i've nvr used so much shortforms in my whole life b4...

i really hate this job.. long hours.. little pay... boring... tiring... and the worst thing: WE ALWAYS GET OUR PAY LATE!

i also wanna quit............. but same thing as lynn.. all my frens wrking nw... even my bf.. if i nvr wrk i'll be bored to death... sure, i'd love the freedom; i'd love the time i will have for my own leisure.. but soon..i'll feel pissed at having no money to spend.. i'll start to get bored of nt wrking and feel like wrking agn.. i dun wanna wait till then to regret... haizz...i really really feel so sick of this life.. i cant imagine wat it's gonna be like when i'm out in the wrking world.. for real....

anyway... i'm so happy.. yet so sad... my bf juz bought me a camera~ yeah! well.. sort of bought me a cam lah.. he paid $300 and i paid $250... it's the newest panasonic fx2 or something like tat.. we bought it cheaper cos his fren is selling cameras at lucky plaza.... the camera is SO DAMN COOL! i love gadgets.. heh... it's so much fucking better than my old camera which is so damn slow; lousy; blur; watever.

BUT! after buying me the camera... his attitude changed.. it seems like he thinks he can treat me however he like cos he bought something so ex for me... haiz...............................................................................................

life nw is getting more boring by the day.. suddenly thought bck those days when i had so mch fun in sch.. come to think of it.. life in sch was so much better than life at work.. my secondary school days.. my jc days.. just flew by... before i had time to cherish them they were all gone...

soon.. i'll be 20.. soon i'll have to go work everyday.. no such things as school holidays anymore.. soon i'll be in university.. and soon i'll be married.. (i hope).. soon i'll start my own family and i'll just hafta depend on my very own family members.. soon i'll grow older and see my children all grown up and setting up their families.. soon i'll die of diabetes.. (i hope not).. or kidney failure? given my diet nw.. highly likely..

today is one of those days i start thinking bck... reviewing my life.. rekindling memories.. i was so bored today i kept thinking abt the past... my friends... my romantic period...those days are gone.. my relationships wif anyone.. and i mean even my bf.. have all become stagnant.. i don't do activities wif my bf anymore.. i dun do activities wif my friends anymore.. except the occasional outtings wif lynn..

i pin for some excitement in my life.. i'd love to go on a nite out cycling agn.. i'd die for a ride on my bf's bike agn... hugging him ever so tightly and feel the nite breeze brush past... cursing at red lights and rejoicing green lights.. looking up at the nite sky and gazing at stars at westcoast park.. feeling cold cos of the wind.. yet feel ever so warm cuddling beside my bf.. i yearn for warmth agn..

yoz.. so long nvr blog liao... yeah! i can strike off The Da Vinci Code and Sims2 off my wish list!

The Da Vinci Code is DAMN NICE to read. As for Sims2... i think it's cos i STILL dont know how to play tat's y i think it's not nice.. :P i din know there was so much cool stuff i can do till lynn told me.. heh.. so i might go try later.. IF I KNOW HOW. haiz.. feel so stupid..

The work yesterday was just a piece of shit lah. bloody hell. Me lynn and may were exploited. to the max. WE QUIT!

OH MY GOD!! IT'S REALLY OVER!!! i'm entering a new phase of life.. a little apprehensive.. but i welcome it.. i like the freedom i'll get.. no restrictions to uniforms, hairstyles or wat shits... but i dont feel like changing my image.. but i know i have to cos i look like shit.. tml i'm gonna cut my hair.. hopefully it looks good... really pray and hope.. i hate hairstylists!!!..

and i need to go to a dentist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the hole in my gum is really getting bigger and bigger.. my goodness.. things get stucked there very very easily.. as gross as it sounds...

ya.. and i badly need the da vinci code and sims2. badly. i'll be damn bored. it's gonna be another one week before my bf can fully come out and dun need to stay in. but he still got to serve NS and work from 8-5. scared. now stay in already quarrel so much. then nvr stay in how. quarrel more? or lesser? i really pray for the latter.

oh my god.. i can't believe it.. it's gonna be over soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!

tomorrow's gonna really be utopia for me.. my goodness.. i'm gonna go work.. it's another new phase of life.. till the results.. :P really can't wait.. can't wait!

Things to buy after A levels:

1. The Da Vinci Code (and shit, it's out of stock!!!) ARGH

2. SIMS2!!!!

3. Plenty of clothes

4. Shoes

5. Handbags! (seriously it's time for some handbags instead of backpacks/slingbags all the time)

6. make ups? (skeptical.. but maybe for prom)

7. 'young and dangerous' part 3

Things to do after As:

1. read the book of course

2. play the game of course

3. go out and have plenty of fun with my bf. (yes, i've forgiven him. sadly.)

4. not forgetting to go out with girl-frens

5. watch 'young and dangerous' part 1 and 2 vcd i bought long ago

I JUST CANT WAIT FOR THIS SHIT TO END!!!!

'yesterday how to look at girls, so little people!'

eh seriously, if i believe that nonsense i'm a piece of shit. fucker.

yesterday was a friday night. if i believe there was very very few people there. seriously, i will be the most naive person on earth.

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I THINK ABOUT ALL THE FUCKING RESPONSIBILITIES WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN!!! HE WENT OUT PUBBING WITH HIS FRENS AND I DIN EVEN KNOW TILL NOW!! HE DIN EVEN MSG ME WHEN HE REACHED HOME YESTERDAY LIKE HE ALWAYS DID!! HE DIN EVEN TELL ME WHO HE WENT OUT WITH! AND WHERE HE WENT!!!! AND TO THINK I ALWAYS MSG HIM WHENEVER I CAN TELLING HIM WHAT I'M DOING NOW WHO I'M GOING OUT WITH TELLING HIM THAT I WENT ANOTHER PLACE ALREADY! FUCK ALL THOSE RESPONSIBILITIES!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

I JUST KNEW HE WENT PUBBING THIS MORNING!! I DIN EVEN KNOW THAT HE'S AT HOME ALREADY!! TO THINK I WAS SO TIRED YESTERDAY AND STILL WAITED AND WAITED FOR HIS MSGS STILL WAITED FOR HIS CALLS!! LYNN! BE MY PROVE!! U KNOW I WAS SO FUCKING TIRED YESTERDAY NIGHT AND YET I WAS ONLINE WAITING FOR HIS MSGS AND CALLS!!

I ALWAYS TOLD LYNN MY BF WILL MSG ME WHEN HE REACH HOME, AND TELL ME WHERE IS HE GOING, JUST TAT WHEN HE CHANGE PLACE HE WONT TELL ME. BUT NOW I THINK I WAS SO WRONG. HE WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING ALREADY.

TO THINK I DOWNRIGHT REJECTED LYNN'S OFFER. ALL I WAS THINKING WERE ALL MY RESPONSIBILITES, TAT I CANNOT GO THOSE KIND OF PLACES, COS MY BF DON'T LIKE IT, COS HE DON'T LIKE ME TO DRINK. I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE DID IT COS HE CARED FOR ME, TAT IT'S FOR MY OWN GOOD. BUT NOW, THINKING BACK, SINCE WHEN HAD HE CONSTRAINED HIMSELF FROM SMOKING WHENEVER I TOLD HIM TO QUIT? WHY SHOULD I ALWAYS BEAR THOSE RESPONSIBILITIES WHEN HE HIMSELF DON'T GIVE A DAMN?

LYNN! I WANT TO GO ZOUKOUT!! I WON'T REJECT YOU ANYMORE!!

i think my lit is going to fail big time.. All my lit papers were all in the afternoon after another paper.. except paper 4.. everytime when i was doing my lit i will always feel so drowsy and feel like sleeping.. so screwed.. i think i screwed othello and paper8 big time.. how.. i screwed up 2 of my questions in econs.. i screwed up one part of my essay for human geog.. i think i screwed up gp cos i slept at 2 the day before gp... AND MY MATHS!!! MY GOD!! IF I FAIL MATHS I'LL BE LIKE TAKING MATHS FOR 4YEARS AND STILL FAILING IT!!! SO DIU LIAN!!!!!!

CONCLUSION: get triple Es. can't even get into NIE --> retake --> get triple As!!!!!! my goodness.. i'm crossing my fingers damn hard..

i swear if i have to retake i will definitely put in more effort... i think...

i regret not studying hard enough.. really regret so much......haizz... why was i happily always quarrelling with my boyfriend just a few days before exams then totally affect my mood to study?

why did i even start quarrelling in the first place? why din i stop them?

anyway.. shutter was scary... must thank lynn for making it even scarier.. :P

I have so much angst in me that i don't know how to show them!! i feel like punching the whole world! Why the fuck did i even go his hse in the first place and din study for the past 2 days all cos of him! FUCK!!! WHy the fuck did i do that for! my A LEVELS is at risk here! not O LEVELS not any stupid fucking prelims or mid year exams!! I STUDIED SO MUCH HARDER FOR MY MID YEAR THAN THIS FUCKING A LEVELS SHIT! I SWEAR ON MY DEAD BODY I DIN STUDY AT ALL FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS AND I GET THIS FEELING THAT I'M NOT GOING TO STUDY FOR TODAY TOO!!! AND I'VE GOT 4 PAPERS NEXT WEEK WAT THE FUCK!!! ALL THE FUCKS MUST ALWAYS COME AT THE WRONG TIMINGS!!! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG!!!! SERIOUSLY I DON'T DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM! I HATE THE WORLD!!! FUCK IT! SCREW IT!

How many nights have I been losing sleep already... countless... how many nights had he left me tortured... countless... I feel tortured by the world...


What if one day I just left him... will he feel guilty for treating me like that?


Why had he changed so much? He used to write me cards and small msgs to encourage me for my O levels... he used to do cute things like giving me small presents... he used to suddenly give me a quick peck on my face in the lift.. Nowadays when we're in the lift... we just stand on each side of the lift... staring and staring as the storeys ascend... without even saying a word... he used to msg me 'jiayou'... he used to ask if I were sleeping or studying... he used to call a lot instead of msging.. He used to try bringing me to new places... he used to call me baby every time he had the chance to... he used to always reply my msgs and never misses my calls.. Even when he misses my calls he would have called back, and not just msged back... why has everything changed so much in just a span of 2yrs? What will it be like in the future? I can't bear to think...


He always does things to me and think lightly of them... he always does things to me and just say sorry afterwards... but yet doing them every other time and repeating them... he always shouts at me and say sorry after tat... but shouts at me again after tat... he used to promise me lots of things... he promised to quit smoking.. He promised to call me back even if I cup his calls... he promised tat he will always go after me even if I was the one who walked off first.. But he never kept to his promises... at all...


He promised to reply long msgs to me... his msgs were never long... compared to mine... I always msged 5 msgs at a time... yet he replied was always ' ya la ya la'. how fucked up can he get?

PLEASE!! I'M NOT AN OFFICIAL CHU QI TONG!! I'M NOT AN OFFICIAL 'VENTING' MACHINE!! WHY MUST EVERYONE SCOLD ME SCREW ME UPSIDE DOWN AND MAKE USE OF ME WHENEVER THEY'RE UPSET!! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!!!!!!! WAT THE FUCK DID I DID WRONG!!! JUST STOP DOING THAT TO ME ALL THE TIME!!! I HATE IT TO THE CORE ALTHOUGH I DON'T SHOW IT!!! JUST STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO SCREAM AT ME TO VENT ALL UR ANGERS ON ME WHEN U'RE 'SICK AND TIRED', OR WHEN U'RE HAVING 'PMS', OR JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE UPSET WITH YOUR 'RESULTS' OR WAT NOT!!! EVERYONE ALWAYS HAVE DIFFERENT REASONS FOR VENTING THEIR ANGERS ON ME! AND WAT'S WORST! THEY DON'T EVEN SAY SORRY AFTER MAKING USE OF ME AS THEIR OFFICIAL VENTING MACHINE!! THEY DON'T EVEN THINK THEY WERE WRONG TO DO THAT!!! TO FUCK WITH ALL THOSE ATTITUDES I HAD TO PUT UP WITH ALL MY LIFE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! ALL THESE NONSENSE HAD MOULDED ME INTO SOMEONE WHO IS SO SUPER SENSITIVE, SO PYSCHOLOGICALLY WEAK, AND SUCH A THIN-SKINNED PERSON!! MADE ME INTO SUCH A WEAKLING THAT I DESPISE MYSELF!!! AND THE WORST IS!! I'M ALWAYS THE ONE GIVING IN TO ALL THESE NONSENSE EVEN THOUGH ALL I DID WAS TO ACCIDENTALLY STRAY INTO THEIR PATHS WHEN THEY HAD THEIR PMSES!! WHAT THE FUCK!

'FROM NOW ON U DONT NEED TO CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS ANYMORE SINCE I'M SO FUCKED UP! YOU DON'T NEED TO CARE ABT MY FUCKING FEELINGS WAT! YOU CAN DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT FROM NOW ON AND I WON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!!! SINCE I'M ALREADY SO LAN TO YOU!'

'FUCK LAH!'

'ANYTHING LA ANYTHING LA ANYTHING LA!!!!!'

'YA LA YA LA U'RE ALWAYS THE PATHETIC GIRLFREN LA!!!!!'

'I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOU LA!! I'M SO LAN THEN GO FIND ANOTHER BF AH!!!!'

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY THE FUCK MUST HE ALWAYS DO THAT TO ME!!! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!!

HE DIN EVEN SAY GOOD LUCK TO ME AFTER 2 EXAMS!!!! AND I MSGED HIM THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF BLESSINGS FOR HIS EXAMS! I GAVE HIM SO MANY GODO LUCK WISHES ON THE PHONE!! YET I HAD NONE FROM HIM!! FROM THE SUPPSOSEDLY CLOSEST PERSON TO ME!!! AM I EVEN HIS FUCKING GF?

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO PIN POINT HIS FAULTS COS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SALVAGE OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE DOING ALL THE THINGS FOR HIM AND GETTING NOTHING BACK IN RETURN!! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE PICKING UP THE BITS AND PIECES OF FLAWS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND TRYING TO MEND EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM!!

IS IT MY FAULT THAT HE'S ALWAYS 'SICK AND TIRED'???? DID HE HAD TO VENT IT ALL ON ME JUST BEFORE MY EXAMS?! HE DID IT NOT ONLY ONCE, BUT TWICE!! JUST BECAUSE HE WAS 'SICK AND TIRED'!!! 2 WEEKS 2 EXAMS ON 2 TOTALLY DIFFERENT DAYS AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED!!

HE BLOODY SHOUTED AT ME OVER THE PHONE!! WHEN HE WAS THE ONE WHO DIN MSG DIN CALL DIN REPLY ME!!!! I WAS THE ONE WHO CALLED HIM! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO MSGED HIM! BUT WHY MUST HE ALWAYS TREAT ME LIKE FUCK!! WHY DID HE HAD TO SCREAM AT ME! WHY! DID I REALLY DESERVE THOSE KIND OF TREATMENTS FROM HIM!

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE TRYING TO SALVAGE EVERYTHING WHEN ALL HE DOES IS SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP AND SLEEP!!!! AND IGNORE ALL MY BLOODY MSGS AND CALLS! WHY DID HE HAD TO SCREAM AT ME. WHY. SOMEONE TELL ME. I'M SICK OF IT. I'M SICK OF HIS APATHETICNESS TOWARDS ME. I'M SICK OF ALWAYS BEING THE ONE WHO TRIES TO SALVAGE EVERYTHING, BE IT BY CALLING HIM, MSGING HIM, BUYING PRESENTS FOR HIM, PLANNING OUTINGS. WHEN HE DOES NOTHING BUT MISSING MY CALLS AND MSGS, BY SLEEPING, AND BY EASILY LEAVING ALL THE DECISION MAKINGS TO ME. EVEN DOWN TO THE VERY LAST 'WHAT SHOULD WE EAT TODAY'. 'WHAT SHOULD I DRESS TODAY.' 'WHAT SHOULD WE DO TODAY.' 'WHERE CAN WE GO TODAY'. yes lynn!! i want to hear his opinions too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously, i'm not even a pathetic person. i'm not even ANYONE. i'm just transparent. They will only see me when they need me.

Maths is so screwed! Paper1 was sooooooooo damn fucking difficult!! my goodness! i've never seen AO maths questions asked in such ways before!! the format is like totally so different from any papers i've done!

wat the hell.. gave us one equation and asked us to find the number of insects initially! initially wat?!! it didn't even give us a time to start with!! and i heard so many ppl saying tat question's easy. my god. Maths and insects have total no links. ARGH.

Paper2 will be even more difficult.. discrete random variables.. statistics, probability...

let me guess wat will come out for paper 2... :

1. Sets

2. permutation and combinations

3. functions again..

4. and of cos differentiation and integration is a MUST in all maths papers

5. probability

6. Stats

7. random variables

...................................

OOPS! He did it again. so qiao? just before exams again?

i might just start a GP essay on that topic.

Qn: 'guys always suck'. Is this a fair comment?

am i fated to piss everyone i meet? seriously am i really that bad? ok. so we can't blame guys for everything. wat do we blame then. ourselves. yes. and fate? destiny? and accept it? just like that?

when guys are with their frens, gfs are only secondary. we will always tag quietly behind them and listen to their conversations and feeling very lonely at the same time. yet when we let him meet our frens, we try as much as possible to let him into our conversations with our frens so as to not make him feel neglected. we will always be conscious that he's in the group, and we always make the effort to talk to him once in awhile to check if he's alright. but when he's with his frens, i'm only transparent.

we are also transparent when guys are playing games. they can forget to call us forget to msg us when they are playing. but they wont forget to eat, bath and sleep. we are always secondary to them. yet when i'm out with my girlfrens, i will always make the effort to msg him where i'm gg, and who i'm gg with. it's a kind of responsibility that i take. why can't guys do the same. if they can't do it now, how can they be responsible for their family in the future.

why must they only treat us better when they need a favour from us.. 'baby.. help me do scrapbook can..' 'baby help me pack my room can...' baby do this do that.. and we always do it and never reject them. why can't they do the same to us. why can't they reply when we ask them to. why can't they call when we ask them to.

does anyone know how used i feel? yes, we do use guys for emotional support. we use them as our pillar of strength. but i have frens for that. i had. if i hadn't chosen my bf btw bf and frens, i would have had my whole big bunch of frens who will be just as willing to chiong down to meet me if i'm emotionally down. but guys don't get ripped of their emotions by us do they.
but we get ripped of our virginity, the most precious thing of our lives. and we will give them all we can. because we feel we belong to them now. but after using us, they will feel that they have gotten everything from us already. and we have nothing more to give them, they will get sick of us ultimately. and start to treat u worst and worst by the day. of cos we will say that they suck. cos they weren't like that before they got it. he wasn't like that before. the chat with sam really drove me to the wall. i was crying as i typed. i know i'm not a guy so i don't know how they feel, but they don't know wat's it's like to be us. at the end of the day, we will never get to know the opposite sex completely

pathetic me.

Did he did it on purpose? was it accidental or intentional? why must he always quarrel with me everytime JUST the night before exams? Why must he always pull this kind of stunts on me? He claimed he was 'sick and tired', so when i talk to him he was less than happy less than keen to listen to what the fuck i was saying. But hey, i heard him talking so energetically with his bunk mates. sick? less than likely. He'd rather talk to his bunk mates than me even when he's SICK. and IM supposed to be his gf. BAHA.

After the WHOLE day of barring his calls and not replying his TWO PATHETIC msgs, i called him. And i regret it. To think i still called him when he can dont msg me for more than 24hrs, dun call me dun reply any of my fucking msgs. AT LEAST I FUCKING CALLED HIM.

his TWO msgs was NUTHING compared to what i msged him last nite. I was waiting pathetically like a fucking pathetic gf till 2am. And i'm supposed to have GP A LEVELS TODAY. cool. i went to take the exams half asleep in the morning. and it's highly likely that i screwed things up unknowingly. my GP paper 1 essay is screwed. AND IF I FAIL MY FUCKING GP, IM GOING TO BLAME HIM ALL FOR IT. no. blame it on myself, it's fate isn't it.

and GUESS WHAT. I know he will be the pathetic bf only tml. cos he wants me to meet him. he's just fucking using me. fuck it. fuck him. fuck the world.

YES IM RANTING LIKE A PATHETIC BITCH BUT I DONT GIVE A DAMN!!!! BLAME IT ON MY LIFE BLAME IT ON FATE
AND NO ANYONE ELSE!! WHAT THE FUCK COULD I HAVE DONE!!

i want a whole brand new wardrobe... i need it.. for university.. IF I CAN GET IN!

i need to be prepared for another phase of my life.. the 'twenties'.. i'm just less than 2 yrs to reaching that 20 yr old line..

THATS WHY I NEED A NEW WARDROBE OF CLOTHES!!

i really must discard my childish dress sense soon..

oh no....................

gp is just tomorrow... there goes.. good luck guys... let's finish this race once and for all.. and hopefully non of us will need to retake.. *CHOI!* to hell with GP.. i din even study any single shits for it.. i just hope i wont get mind blocks tml and constipated thoughts.. oh no... my science frens have been going for those GP mock exams which i deemed no-point at that point of time.. but now.. come to think of it.. they seemed relieved that they've been going for those exams cos it keeps their minds working on GP mode for quite some time..

realised i made big mistakes by pontening sch once or twice every week.. why din i pay more attention to GP? why did i see it as boring to the extend that i MUST ponteng GP once or twice a week? Why did i miss all those important Paper8 tutorials? WHY?!!!! my Paper8 is screwed. oh no. i realised all my subjects are screwed!! WHY WHY WHY was i soooooooOOOo playful?!!! WHY was i always distracted in class? WHY AM I SO STUPID!!! ppl can miss tonnes of lessons but still cope with the subjects. but i cant. ppl can miss loads of tutorials and make last minute efforts to go for consultations!!but i'm too thin-skinned to go for consultations!! i'm really so scared of teachers. i need a maths consultation someday. i really need it. i dont' wanna fail it again. i don't wanna prove my secondary sch A maths teacher right.

oh no!! A levels is just 2 days away!! i'm DEAD!!!!!!!!.. i slacked the whole of today!.. my god!! i've wasted so much time! ARGH.. *frantic*