why do i have so many obligations, but non i can fulfil.

i'm going crazy. mad with sadness. drowning. dying.

i dont understand why it always have to be like tat........... i dont know why.......... i dont understand.......... i hate the sort of feeling........... torn between ur bf and ur frens.......... i am so so so so so utterly sad, guilty, bitter, disappointed about it, but i have no choice................. bf will be the priority (forced)........ i am so sorry............ i am disallowed to.......... not that i dont want........... i WANT!! but i cant!!! fucked up feeling! I SUCK!!! I FUCKING SUCK! fucking suck as a friend. fucking suck as a HUMAN BEING AS A WHOLE. i fucking suck. it's best that i disassociate with the world, it's best that i isolate myself, it's best if i can just live on an island, alone. I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE OF MY OWN. I LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE FOR OTHERS.

fucking upset, but no one understands. don't expect anyone to. just leave me alone.

Pay attention (bloody funny!)

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the dissection table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. "I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger." Now learn to pay attention."

went dentist today (urgh)........ I HATE GOING DENTIST!!! argh! the EeeeeeeeEEEEee sound keeps ringing in my ear even after the dentist had finished with my teeth.........i was clasping my hands together so tightly the dentist had to ask me to relax........ i really hate hate hate going to the dentist ah.... really painful! and it's not juz the pain........ it's the way the dentist twist and turn something sharp in ur mouth that makes me go crazy....... i can't believe i have to do an operation for my mutated wisdom tooth soon.......... oh my god... this "mutated" wisdom tooth has been in my mouth since i was working in Citibank..... i've been trying to drag for as long as i can not to go do the operation....... but now, it's really starting to hurt........ and my mum's forcing me to go operate it and get (yank) it out.... but i'll keep delaying as much as i can........... i've already told the dentist im only going to do it after the CNY, and im intending to keep to my promise (heh)......

10 things Carine's afraid of:

1. Dentist

2. Lizards

3. Lightnings and Thunders

4. Backstabbers

5. when ppl cry

6. When ppl aren't pleased with me

7. When something bad happens to my family (CHOI!! TOUCH WOOD!! CHOI CHOI CHOI!)

8. Ghosts (ok, only during certain time of the year and after watching ghost films)

9. When I leave my little bro alone at home

10. flunking major exams (waste parents' money!) (CHOI CHOI CHOI TOO!)

guess wat? my hp number opened FIRST PRIZE....... greatest thing abt it is i DIN BUY......... the LUCKIEST THING? my mum bought........... *phew* but just $1 big......... not alot of money, but enough to get me (and my family) new clothes for CNY.... yippee!! i must thank god, lucky stars, angels, or watever that's blessing me and my family when we're having abit of financial difficulties..... it's really a blessing........

load off my mind........

im so happy...................... going vivocity with my mum and little bro this saturday to shop..... bf's driving us there........... *blessed*

a kiss for the bf for taking his time out for me and my family despite he only has the wkends off........

First lesson of tuition this year went smoothly............ First boy i've taught..... very very nice boy so far..... so far so good..... he thinks maturely for his age (same age as my youngest bro age 9), maybe because of the things he's been thru at such a tender age........ guess wat he told me when i was explaining the phrase "兄弟" (brothers), he told me, "nope, i dont have brothers, i live alone with my dad, just the 2 of us only, my mummy died already"................. when he told me this, his face machiam wanted to cry already........... my heart ached when i heard this and saw his grieve-stricken face...... i didnt' wanna probe further....... but.... deep in my heart i wanted to know wat really happened.... did his mum really died? or did his daddy lie to him abt the truth? u knw when u watch serial dramas the dad always lie to the child abt the mum, telling him the mum died but actually the mum left them for another guy? something along tat line..... aiyah i think too much............. but i really feel alot for the boy.... he gave me a very very sad look again when he said he only goes out to play badminton with his dad and his GF and the gf's son on certain weekends, not every wkends, juz CERTAIN wkends.... i could feel he feel neglected by his dad..........i mean, if im the dad.......... and if i have a gf......... i might probably be tempted to spend more time with the GF rather than my son......... DONO la..... im so kaypoh.... but the boy is really so poor thing ah......... he's only 9years old.... and he has only his granddad to accompany him everyday............ and to think i've thought my little brother was very poor thing... i've always felt guilty abt leaving him at home since he's so young with only my mum and the SCV............ but hey! the poor tuition boy dont even have SCV at home ok?! he lives in a very very small flat...... with only his daddy (who is always not at home till 7plus or 8plus when he comes back from work, and perhaps, GF)..... at least my mum's not working and can accompany my little bro the whole day a home...........

anyway, my little bro is too spoilt by my mum........... he is really a little imp..... ironically, i dont tutor my little bro but i tutor other children...... stupid, u might think........... but seriously, u can NEVER tutor ur own brother, cos they'll NEVER listen..... they'll scream, throw tantrums, jump around until u bring out the cane....... tell me how to tutor him like that?!

my life is so dull dull dull dull dull. i have to get my CNY clothes soon..... i WAS SUPPOSED to go shopping today after class..... but i went home to sleep instead.... sheesh........ had a fun time with 204 gang juz now....... it's been such a long time since i've seen them... can't wait for another outing.........

2 giants behind are at least 1.92cm tall..................... SO TALL!!!!! i still cant believe JD shed 39KG after entering army......... gosh..... hahahah i wanna join army too!! can jian fei!!

fucking pissed. pissed. pissed. fucking pissed at the bf. bloody pissed. unbelievably pissed. cheebye. can't the bf talk to me in a better way? can't he talk in a nicer way? y must he talk to me like fuck? fucking hell the way he talk to strangers better than he talk to me ah. chao chee bye. ANGRY!

anyway. i have a piano assignment. scared to teach piano. argh. but easy money. bloody easy money. 1hr=32bucks. shiok. damn weird, i have to teach the 3 yr old child and the DAD. but anyway, no prob, i'll ask my piano teacher to teach me how to teach. i hope i wont screw it up. my first guinea pig hahahah...

the bloody agent is damn rude ah..... super rude ah!! wahlao eh... i asked the agent "huh? dad wanna learn piano? but it's super difficult for adults to pick up piano..." the agent said "difficult meh? or u dont know how to teach? just teach them music appreciation dont need to teach them for exam la" WAH LAN EH, how can u assume i dont know how to teach when i haven't even tried?! i wonder wat he told the family. when i told him straight i had no experience in teaching piano he was like, "you diploma leh" GO AND DIE LAH, diploma must have experience teaching piano ah. u so li hai u go teach ah. im just scared he go and tell the family rubbish, scared he lied to the family saying i have experience.

grrrrr......... why do i lack confident in everything i do?

i've got a tuition assignment........ FINALLY..... best thing is it doesn't go through agent!! yippee! dont knw if it's confirmed or not.... the parent going to call me tonight..... but i feel abit ripped off by the parent.... her bargaining skills superb........ really superb........ haiz....... at least from feb onwards i'll have some income......

wat i need most now:

MONEY

a perfect set of teeth

clever brains

energy to study and go sch

slim down another 2kg to meet my target

hair cut

dentist (yucks)

2007 Organiser (anyone know where to get them? i've been to many bookstores but they are either to ex or too ugly, i need those thin, long, floral printed ones, not those ugly black ones :P)

chinese new year clothes aka SHOPPING therapy

my bf.

i feel stupid when i'm around with him...... but i willingly let myself to become stupid.......... i just want him to protect his stupid little girl........ but apparently my "stupid-ness" sometimes gets on his nerves hahahah....... i dont understand guys who like witty girls....... if girls are clever and witty (even infront of their boys), then how can the guys' egos be put to use? (warped mindset of mine, forget i said tat, maybe some guys really like clever girls)

i miss my boy suddenly........ sometimes i find him so adorable, other times i find him so hard to comprehend...... i dont know how to describe this kinda feeling....... sometimes u hate him so much u wanna slap the hell out of him, sometimes u find him so adorable he juz keep hovering in ur thoughts....

maybe we should try to become "romantic" all over again....... u know, like strolling along the beach and try not to feel sticky and hot and pay attention to the romance....... or go to parks for long walks and try not to pay attention to the mosquitoes buzzing around......... or u know, walk in the rain and forget abt those wet sand in ur slippers......... have u ever felt extra lonely when u walk home at night, with the cold gentle breeze stroking ur face, and u suddenly wished ur boy was here with his arms around u......... sigh......... i've always felt extra moody/depressed when i walk home in the cold night....... juz brews the mood for me to reminise the old days.......... sad.....

i'm like so bothered about to give tuition or not to............. i'm so fucking bothered over sooooooo many damn things......... i need to give tuition cos im fucking broke, but i dont want to... i need to study, but im fucking lazy to start.... i need to do my assignments, but i have so little knowledge i dont know how to go about even STARTING the damn assignments.... ARGH! bloody pissed....

I'm desperately looking for tuition assignments....... please leave me all the agency numbers u've got....... :P i am damn fucking broke...

i wanna go overseas overseas overseas................... i dont wanna spend my 21st birthday mugging for exams.......... fucked up fucked up fucked up!!

i dont like it when ppl ask me to finish up my food when i simply cant finish (or dont want to)..... either im damn full or cos the food is simply not finishable (aka sucks!)......... i dont know why they must make a big fuss over not finishing my food.... i really dont like it then dont finish ah......... i know i know..... it's really waste of food... but i really dont wanna finish it cannot ah?? or maybe it's like a habit since young.... whenever i cant finish my food i juz tell my mum "mummy wo bu yao le" then my mum will surely say "bu yao jiu bu yao"...... actually i still do that to my mum now at this age....actually everytime i do that im hoping my mum will try to finish my food for me so i wont feel so guilty hahaha...but she normally wont...

i mean, i really dont mind u telling me off a little for not finishing up my food cos i know it's really a bad habit.... but dont start making a BIG FUSS out of it and start preaching me about the Africans not having any food at all to eat... (i've heard the story 100000000000 times)..... and most importantly dont give me THAT LOOK when u see so much food left on my plate.... i dont know how to explain THAT LOOK, but ya, it's that look i dont like.

been coughing like hell these few days..... can't sleep every night cos of my stupid bloody cough.... and i really mean bloody..... my phlegm is like hell green and bloody...... oh yucks.....sucks to be sick.............

well, it seems like a blessing in disguise though........... cos of this bout of sickness........... i slimmed down 2.3kg.......... yay! way to go! hur.......... of cos slim down ah.... everyday eat so little........ everyday suffer with sorethroat flu and fever......... wat a way to slim down.......... argh...........

the worst thing about this sickness.... i've got no voice left......... my voice became "sexy"........ everyone who heard me kept saying that i dont know why........ this stupid voice's been with me since wednesday.... my bf's scaring me that this voice might stick with me for the rest of my life..... CHOI!!! oh yucks.... wat a scary thought......... oh man........... i mean, i've really heard woman with this kinda voices leh............

everytime i gotta pay school fees... i feel so guilty for letting my parents spend and spend and spend so much for me..... i feel like a 败家 daughter.... arghhhh......... even piano fucking school fees.......... one lesson 1 hr=$70 bucks fucking gone!!! i nvr practice my piano at all!! wat the fuck... really hell waste of money...... i really feel like giving up........... mum keep forcing me to continue taking... take until so high for wat.........if not i would have time to study, would have time to take up part time jobs........... ARGH! i fucking hate myself........ fuck fuck fuck........

and fuck fever, flu and cough and everything.......... worst bout of sickness..... ever........ fever sky high... i feel so weak i feel so sick i feel so cham.............. i need comfort....... yesterday WAS THE WORST.... juz laid on bed and did nothing....

i should have juz died..........

i am so damn bloody tired............. i've been having problems sleeping.... AGAIN.... these few days.... thinking abt really STUPID things.........

nothing much these days..... really damn boring life i've got........ i need to really get my arse down to study..... if not im so screwed..... i've been pontenging hell lot of lessons.... i really ought to give myself one tight slap.........

i'm very materialistic. but im not the only one around.

something is really wrong with me. i dont know wat. i feel so..... D.E.A.D

oh my god this is so bloody true... relates so much to me i cant help but grab it from wani and put it here... just so SOMEONE can see...

when a girl walks off and tells you to leave her alone, she wants you to follow her.

when a girl tells you she never wants to talk to you again, she really wants you to look for her. (unless of course, you seriously screwed up BIG time)

it is pretty easy to please a girl, let me tell you. one word: effort.

once a girl sees you going out of your way for her, when she sees you putting in effort to make her feel wanted, loved and appreciated, she's as good as yours. (exception for hard-core girls who really are true bitches. then, sorry, can't help you there. you're on your own buddy)

anyway, new year resolution:

1. STUDY and get good grades. this is my most important mission in this present part of my life. i really need to get my arse to start. exams in may.

2. stop giving in so much. dont lose myself in this relationship. friends are as important.

3. spend my time more fruitfully, dont spend so much on sleeping, watching tv and doing stupid things like quarrelling with bf.

4. love myself.

5. LOSE WEIGHT. CUT FAT! targeted areas: arms, face, waist, back.

6. practise piano more often.

hail the mighty king.

victim of your tyranny.

biggest source of pain.

living in your shadows.

biggest mistake of my life.

nothing but regrets. nothing but pain.

since when did fear end up in our relationship.

it shouldn't have replaced love, trust, care, concern, sincerity.

this is wat happens when u love ur half more than he/she loves u.

nevertheless, i still love you.

hmmmmmmmm...i'll be going chalet tml........ sian..... and i still haven packed.......spoiler for tml: lessons in the morning......... ta ma de... i still cant get over the fact that i have to go for classes on a saturday morning........ fucking hell..............

just received Christmas Cards from some friends... hmmmm.. abit guilty.... cos i didn't send out any christmas cards... i mean, u all should know me lah.... i dont give out cards.... i dont write small notes........ i know i suck as a girl-friend... :P but i dont really like to write.... cos my handwriting cannot make it, and cos i dont know wat to write..... but im really grateful for all those nice small notes that my girl friends always write to me and put it in my locker during JC times (i've been keeping them in a small box, as a collection)... heh... you've noticed.. i dont think i remembered writing any small notes to give you guys... or even any cards...

anyway, thank you girl-friends... *muackz* though i've been a bad one.... heh....

The vibe was great i must say........... was so damn full after the buffet....... we couldn't even walk and had to stay at the hotel lobby for quite awhile... hahaha... it was damn cool.... it's the kind of buffet u dont need to walk around much to get ur food... the waiters come and serve you grilled stuff, going from table to table.......... they had all the nicest grilled stuff.... my favourite beef of all kinds... thigh meat of beef, garlic beef, peppered beef (the rest i can't remember)....... and chicken! the chicken was like so damn nice!! they had chicken heart too... but i didn't dare to try... and char siew.... i hate charsiews, but i must say their char siews are very nice........ and grilled dory fish and seafood....... and when u want them to stop coming to your table, just tell them you want a "pineapple" and they'll serve you the last dish of grilled pineapple and stop coming....... the grilled pineapple is like so damn nice can!!! not sour AT ALL....super sweet and nice.... the buffet is quite "meaty" i must say... but there are other food too... there's chinese stuff, and pastas.... and my favourite crabs. seafood!! oh, and oysters too.... I had my first oysters!!! i mean, first 3 oysters!! oh my god.... i've tried eating oysters before but i always spit them out cos i just couldn't swallow, (i thought they were damn disgusting).......but that day, i didn't know why i had the first one... and i couldn't stop.... hahahah.... maybe cos the oysters are quite small and easy to eat... not like those at The Pariss international buffet, so fat and juicy i couldn't swallow in one mouthful... i still dont like big juicy oysters... bleah......

anyway, i had a great weekend.......... this weekend i'll be spending my countdown at a chalet.... YIPPEE!! it's been a hell long time since i've been to a chalet....

merry christmas!!!! 2007 coming soon.............. sian............ twenty ONE twenty ONE twenty ONE coming soon.......... soon i'll be able to watch RA movies......... argh......not very looking towards it......

angry angry angry......... i cant bloody check my timetable online........... so i dont know if i've got any lessons next week.... we're supposedly to have christmas break next week... but i vaguely remember that i still need to go back for most of my lessons.......... and now i cant check cos the damn system is down... so frustrating...... sometimes i really hate technology........ we're so damn dependent on them we might juz die if they all fail us someday... take my phone for example...... that day it juz suddenly went mad and couldn't on no matter how hard i tried........ and just when i managed to switch it on, the screen just keeps fading off...... and the stupid thing just kept on restarting by itself.........ta ma de....... luckily it can work now..... hopefully this stupid phone can last me till 2007 july when the stupid contract ends! then i'll switch to M1..... i juz realised i always change phone once every 2 years.......... not like my bro...... every now and then change his phone... kaoz... bloody rich bro i have.......

i dread IBM.......... i dread that stupid lecturer...................... sucks.....

oh yah... and juz finished my most hated subject: IBM assignment....... after 4 hrs of struggling......... GOSH!! wat's wrong with the lecturer and the subject?!?! the notes are all in a big mess, with SO MUCH information to digest, and the lecturer is always going against me and jolly cos he suay suay can remember our names!! fuck!!

not feeling well............. flu and fever.......... AGAIN..... wat's wrong with me.... dont tell me i have to spend christmas with a running nose........

i've been told by my mum that this rain will go on for 48hrs................ omg......................... how am i going to wake up to go for lessons tml?! im so in love with this lazy weather i can't even get out of my comfy comp chair.......

can anyone see my blog??? im like so damn pissed off at blogger........ i cant see my blog at this website: http://www.carinez-1.blogspot.com/, but i can see my blog at this website: http://carinez-1.blogspot.com/ can anyone tell me the difference?? i mean, i used to be able to see my blog using the first website leh........... frustrating... and i've not been able to log on to blogger till now......... kaoz........... or is there sth wrong with my comp?? i really hope not......... if not have to spend time and money on repairs again..................... sometimes i really hate technology..........

im going The Vibe on eve of christmas eve....... whahahah.... wah lao........ one day of difference between eve of christmas eve, and on christmas eve, but HELL LOT of difference in the prices ah......... $48+++ for saturday, BUT $88+++ for Christmas and Christmas eve????!!! siao ah.... luckily i asked how much per person before making reservations..... if not we blur blur make reservations using our card then $40 difference, nope, correct myself $80 difference for both of us!!! *faints* The bf said we can watch movies 10 times plus leftovers somemore...... which is quite true ah........

but quite disappointed not going to have dinner on christmas eve or christmas....... dont have the festive mood...... :P then dono what to do for those 2 days..... u look around everyone queueing up for dinner then u dono do what.... but its really damn bo hua ah........ give and take lor..... wat to do....

dont ask me wat to get me for my christmas present, i myself dono too..... just dont ask me and straightaway buy for me.......... please dont bring me out and ask me to choose.... I DONT LIKE TO CHOOSE ON THE SPOT.......... really dont like..........

anyone can intro me to some good restaurants for Christmas dinner? buffet..........

my "humble" "christmas wish" posted previously..... even though "humble" (since I CANT BLOODY GO OVERSEAS thus have to settle for a LOCAL hotel), i dont think can even be fulfilled ah... wont be able to even SMELL the damn hotel... argh. argh. argh.

Christmas wish: spend the night at a hotel in Orchard/town area.... buy dinner back to the hotel to eat..... walk to coffe club 24hrs for supper...........walk around orchard at midnight to enjoy the lightings.....go back hotel relax in the bathtub........ have breakfast at the hotel in the morning.........

*dreams*

i cant bloody sleep....................

ok, got rid of one of my needs........ bought a top today.......ARGH, now i'm left penniless. I NEED MONEY TO BUY CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR BF. wa kao. ta ma de. why am i so qiong ah?? i dono where the fuck i spend all my money on leh. i seldom go shopping, i always live off my bf to settle my meals. y the fuck am i still so poor? i always go out with alot of cash, go home empty handed, but by the time i reach home all my cash are gone!

watch this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pOqtFh-ysNU&mode=related&search=

it's super funny ah....

I need to get out of this bloody boring place. I need more CLOTHES, SHOES, ACCESSORIES. i need more make up. i need to go overseas NOW. i need more skincare products! i need a CAR. i need a HAIRCUT. i need to bloody SLIM DOWN. i need so many many many fucking things, im so fucking materialistic. i need a very very nice dress/top for christmas. sobs.

last but not least, i need to start studying.

Horoscope for the month (Taurus):

becareful of 3rd parties who'll ruin ur relationship (like duh, since when 3rd parties wont ruin ur relationship), becareful of backstabbers.

sounds great, what a great month.......

ps: got a feeling the backstabbers part already came true.....

its the month of december again........ cant believe it...... its going to be christmas soon... and very very soon, 2007....... THE YEAR........ THE year im turning 21.... the year im going to become a real adult....... *shudders*..... well, im still, looking forward to the new year nevertheless....... especially my all time favourite hols...... CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!! i dont know why i love CNY so much, i just love it... can buy many many many new clothes, can GAMBLE, can eat runion dinner with family, can eat steamboat with frens....... argh....... can't wait..... cant wait to see my beloved relatives...... hee.... i only see them once a year, which is CNY.......

ok, mind's wondering too far off.... Christmas isn't here yet and im already imagining how im going to spend cny?! *slaps myself*

i love Christmas too........ still remembered how we spent our first christmas together........ still have those pics we never fail to take EVERY YEAR at Taka with that gigantic christmas tree...*sigh* those were the days........... such beautiful memories................. *sigh*

i used to love you because i thought you were gentlemanly, u were mature, u cared. somehow or rather, over these years, you seemed to have changed. i know i've changed over the years, from an immature girl who could get angry at basically anything, to someone mature now. i know for sure, i've changed for the better. i dont get angry easily, i dont get angry when u go out with ur frens, even during my exams, i didn't vent all my frustrations and anger on you. i just could control my temper. especially when it comes to you. over the years, i can feel my own maturity. from a little girl, to a young lady who just wants to be the woman behind her bf, from someone who'd go all means to save your "face" infront of your frens, to someone who'd give in to you, to someone who'd apologise.

but it seems like over the years, u've been stepping on the very same spot. or maybe u've backtracked, i dont know. all your gentlemanly, ur maturity, ur sensitivity to my feelings seemed to have slowly vanished. or maybe it's because i've gone too far off, i've grown so much in this relationship, while u've been staying there all the while, until there's this point that i dont see you anymore. i'd thought we are progressing for the better, but somehow i think that's juz an illusion i gave myself. i'd really thought we were so happy these few months, less quarrels, more laughters, more conversations. obviously not. it was juz an illusion. or maybe it was juz a phase. after it, it'll be gone forever. never coming back.

im still, juz a girl. juz someone who needs her teenagehood or watever u call tat. i want a taste of the "happenings" in life, i want to play, have fun before i step into adulthood, before i step into the working class. i've yet to try alot of things, and i want to try these things with you. maybe, maybe u've grown out of this phase, but i'd never thought the age gap would be something that'd bother us. i want to go scuba diving with you! i want to go to the beach and suntan with you! i want to go overseas, go sit on rollercoasters and let you comfort me! i want to learn a new language with you! i want to eat breakfast at mac with you! i want to watch a musical with you! i want to attend a concert with you! i want to attend a fren's wedding dinner with you! why aren't you interested in any of the things im interested in? why cant you participate with me and enjoy yourself while doing so? why muz u show ur less than happy face when u do such things with me?

argh. pissed. why does it always have to happen? why? why?

who knows of online websites where they sell ladies' stuffs like apparels, handbags, accessories, shoes... please leave it at the tagboard.....thanks.... must be cheap! and got MY FAT SIZE.

why do i always feel so stupid?

why is everyone around me so capable,clever and smart. Everyone except me? i've been so self deluded since young. As the eldest, i've always thought i was the most capable in the family. since young i've been handling problems of the family, always being the mediator, always being the lao da jie as my parents called me. i do everything, from translating letters, helping brothers write letters to the school, setting up our wireless network, buying upgrades for the comp, and even repairing the comp when things go wrong. and many many things. apparently, im not as clever as i thought. everyone around me is so capable i feel so lousy.

this feeling is getting more and more intense each day, for no apparent reason.

came across something interesting in a book. Some religion describes Hell to be full of pain, sufferings and fear. Does that sound familiar to u? Isn't the real world like that too? Thus, no one, absolutely no one, can condemn you to hell (unless you allow them to). Because they are in hell too. dont let others judge you and dont judge others too.

for those interested in doing temp jobs during ur hols....

here's the webpage http://search3.jobstreet.com/listJobs.asp?pg=1&by=te&site=sg&fr=&pt=3672

i saw some that starts from 4th dec onwards and last for only about a week or even 2 weeks.....

there's this internal conflict in me...... i desperately need $$$, i need to find a part time job (eg tuition, work during weekends, work at roadshows), BUT whenever there's a chance, i'll give it up. I DONT KNOW WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. i really dont know.

know wat kind of jobs i want? juz call me to go work for 1 day, suit to MY timing (not everyday i also can work leh), good pay. omg, where got this kind of job? those jobs that call u when they need u. and they'll keep calling u. anyone with this kinda lobang, please please please give me a call.

stupid self contradictory cow. stupid stupid stupid. nxt time, i'll be my own boss. I plan my OWN flexible working hours. anyone join me?

so so so so so damn sian of life...... wah lan eh... can more happening or not.....

so dull everyday!

the only happening thing that happened this week... or maybe, the only outing i went this week... was cck park "restaurant" with the band members.... alot of xin jiao...we felt so old there....

i need some attention.

my pretty friend juz got engaged!!! congrats!!

hmmm it's been a long time since i've last blogged..... been busy lately for quite a number of things......... bf's finally found a job as an assistant engineer....... well with alot of my help of cos..... :P but still, he managed to pass those interviews on his own... *claps* so well, for the past few weeks i've been acting like his personal assistant, reminding him of upcoming interviews and brushing him up on his interview skills...which paid off....

i've juz handed up an assignment (which took the hell out of me)......... and i've got alot more other assignments to hand up........ i dont knw hw the hell am i going to complete those assignments, but i'll try... i'll try....

juz a brief summary of how these few weeks were like: accompanying bf for interviews, searching online EVERYDAY for jobs that suit him, doing my assignment, going for school for make up lessons on Saturdays cos for some unknown reasons i always have to miss class on Tues, going for Motorshow at Suntec...

and i must say, Russ Swift is going to be my idol from now on.... when i went to the motorshow with my bf, i was like thinking, wth, $10 bucks juz to look at cars ah... not worth it man..... then, we saw the precision driving stunts by that Russ Swift (who is nearing 60 years old)...wow, it really was one of the best shows i've ever seen.... i'll try to upload those video clips on my blog when i have the time.... hee....a pity ONE of my clips, which is the most exciting one, went corrupted.... fucking hell... apparently, from what i've heard from most of my frens, few of them knew abt the precision driving show even though they went for the car exhibit.. so i muz say we are one of the lucky ones.....during the course of the show, there was this bidding for a seat beside Russ Swift during his stunt performance, starting bid was $50 bucks (donated to charity), and i really wanted so so so much to sit in...... but we were really poor..... hahhaa so we had to give up the chance..... cheh, and i tot those bids will go up to hundreds of dollars, ended up the highest bid was only $100... i bet they felt worth it ah, those lucky fellas.... cos Russ did some very very very scary maneuvers when they sat beside him one by one.... (which was on the corrupted clip!!! ARGH)

im so damn fucking bored. bf is working now. pui.

i need some motivation.... i need to get into the swing, the momentmum to STUDY.

i might juz die of staleness......... can my life be more happening?! fucking stale life i have............

im so fucking materialistic i hate myself.

u'll feel shitter abt urself as u grow older.............. when i was younger, i've nvr thought i was fat.... no matter how fat i was...... no matter how my grandparents always pinch my chubby face, no matter how many of my relatives commented tat i look like a hamburger..... hahha.... i've nvr thought i was fat......... nw as i grow older.... i hate seeing myself in the bloody mirror....... i see enlarging pores on my face, pimples, blackheads, whiteheads, fats, fats, fats and more fats all over my body......

sucks to be growing older..... i dont wanna grow old............. argh.... many many many ppl have told me, tat women shud start using anti-ageing cream once they reach the age of 24..... TWENTY FOUR!!!! OMG.

How I wish I'm filthy R.I.C.H. like my bf's sis's bf..... hahaha.... long relationship... He's damn BLOODY RICH...... He drives an Evo 9..... NINE..... which costs around 130k.... *faints* nvm tat.... from what i've heard...he stays in a (i think) at least 4 storey high mansion.... or watever u call tat..... He and my bf's sis goes yatching nearly every weekend..... or go overseas now and then... so often that i've lost count... to play sea sports or what not..... can u imagine....going yatching nearly every weekend...... gosh, even if the yatch is not his.....renting it isn't CHEAP EITHER! rent car for a week already cost like a few hundred bucks? I WANT A RICH BF.... hahhahha...........KIDDING LAH, GEDDIT? but i dont mind..... wahahha...WHO WILL MIND A RICH BF?

hubby, faster strike toto ah. hahahahaha.... *muackz*

busy.... busy with..... nothing.... however ironic it sounds.... i was really busy with literally nothing.... and i really dont know how the hell time flew past so quickly... i missed a couple of lessons last wk.... cos i was down with The Flu.... and now i've passed it to my dad and second bro.... GREAT..... and i got this bad feeling they're passing it back to me soon.... my cough's coming back! ARGH! i must stop stop stop skipping lessons.... fucking hell.... i must start revising my work and doing homework!!!! ARGH!! i fucking hate reading thru those thick stacks of notes! i need to really find a day and SIT DOWN AND READ.

most of my subjects require hell lot of reading.... which i am NOT DOING..... anyone jio me out to study (read notes)??? not weekends tho... :P

flu flu flu... cough cough cough.... sore sore sore throat.........

i wanna go play with lanterns and candles...... like wat i used to do..... every year till now.... haiz...... mooncake festival or lantern festival ah?

bad weather, great company!

*coughs*

so fun!!! today was so fun!!! so fun and funny.... wanted to eat at newyork newyork at citylink.... the queue was terribly long.... so we wanted to change to another restaurant at RafflesCity.... THEN!! we ALL (except lynn) din knw rachel was driving!!! yeah! that's not the best part! kenneth at first told the whole world, even lynn that he's not driving.... and in the end he ended up driving!! yeah! surprise surprise for lynn!

anyway..... we all then decided to head down to Bedok North Ave 4.... (ok, so now i've put it down here so i wont forget) to have their famous bah chor mee SOUP..... i've nvr eaten bah chor mee SOUP in my life before... but it's damn nice ah! and cheap! super cheap! not only that, we ordered a table full of food.... 10 chicken wings, 20 satay, 1 Big stingray, another big plate of super chilli sotong....... and we still wasn't full... wahaha... so we headed to Selegie to have the famous beancurd.... samuel drove ken's car on the way there and they (rach and sam) sped and competed with each other on the high way..... wahhaha... damn funny ah....

we all juz realised it's the 1st time we're sitting down like that as a group to eat at hawker centre ah.... ordering so many things... so fun and nice.... we always go restaurant restaurant until damn sian already lor....

after beancurd was the "famous" 99 turns near kent ridge..... funny ah, only 12plus turns leh... wat 99 turns.... go and die lor...... actually i realised we reached there quite fast leh, both driving more than 100km/h like no feeling like tat.... anyway, was damn hazy and choky and warm down there..... too bad we din bring lanterns and wat not..... or it'll be more fun....

din wanted to msg him the whole day today.... but i couldn't help it... stupid me, msged and told him i juz got home.... i ought to give myself a tight slap....

i feel so useless. someone, keep my phone. someone, help me.

i have a bloody sorethroat.......... slight fever....... stupid haze............ argh....... *coughs*

i cannot stand him anymore........... someone save me............ anyone......... i give up....... totally..........

PASSED MY PIANO LIAO!!! finally...... not very happy with the results though..... 111.... hahaha... exactly the same as my grade 7... so disappointed i din get merit... cos the rest of my piano teacher's students all had merit.... i think.... ANYWAY, im happy enough that i've passed..... going to start my diploma from this wk onwards........... SIAN! my mum wont let me drop........... diploma songs are like at least 8 pages long..... 8-10 pages nvm..... must keep repeating certain parts somemore!! DAMN LONG AH! anyway, aiyah, worry abt it nxt year lah......... but i still gotta work damn hard.... CANNOT fail diploma..... damn freaking expensive..........

this weekend was supposed to be special.... supposed to............ but i dont think so anymore........ not anymore..........

like lynn said, i'll prolly write on my blog a few days later saying "he's gone back"........... yah

*he's Gone Back*

photos for forbidden city and sam's day at may's hse is at this website:

http://carinez1.multiply.com/photos/album/39

betrayed.

happy birthday samuel! FINALLY 20.... i feel so old... :P

there's something wrong with my bloody phone! argh............ i need to get it fixed soon.........i dono why my phone always no reception! which means, i wont receive calls/msgs during the period of time........i'll only realise it when my mum calls my bf.......... "eh why lin's phone cannot call thru ah?" damn it la.......... i will only receive those lag msgs after i restart the damn phone, after my mum calls then i'll realise it! and by that time....... too late....... i'll have 5 unread, unreplied msgs..... and alot more unanswered missed calls........... STUPID PHONE.

saw lynn's blog....... and my mind was suddenly flooded with memories with him at Changi....... we used to always hang out at changi point, changi end, and changi beach when he had bike.......... changi point was a damn romantic, quiet place where we used to sit down and lie on the grass (provided u have newspapers and insect repellant :P) and watch the planes flying so low right above ur head........ u'll need ur own transport to get there anyway...... it's damn far inside....... miss those days too, when we had a picnic at MacRitchie Reservoir in the middle of the night........ and those long walks along punggol end beaches................ and lantern festival at Bukit Batok Nature park.......... we played with candles....... used liquid paper to draw on the rocks......... Westcoast park............... we used to climb the pyramid thingy......... *argh* memories...........

anyway, all these were done during our 1st half a year together............. long long long long time ago............

these few days were great............... but sometimes he can hu leng hu re.......... and they say girls are hard to comprehend.......... i think guys are more complicated creatures......... just yesterday.......... he came to my school to surprise me........... he told me he's at hougang mall but actually he was driving to my school to meet me..... we'd initially planned to meet in town via public transport... :P he repeatedly told me he dont have the car...... then he suddenly appeared at my school and joined me and serene for lunch.... hahah.... was quite surprised... but actually i'd guessed it already lor.... somehow had the feeling he was hiding something from me... my sixth sense not bad one lor... but he doesnt believe that i'd guessed it.... he thought his plan was foolproof... bleh...

anyway........ thank you hubby for everything that u'd done for me these few days..... felt like i was back in the good old days.....

*he's back*

these 2 days were one of the best days i've ever had............... hubby surprised me yesterday night when i met him at suntec by giving me a Nike bag for school......... this was one of the rare times he surprised me....... and i was so touched........ he said he wasn't actually sleeping the day before... he was outside looking around for suitable bags to buy for me.... that's why he didn't pick up my calls.... and all along i'd thought he was sleeping after such a long day at work.........

*bliss*

i hate it when im bathing, the whole world wants to use the damn toilet..... when im not using it... nobody wants to use it............. wa lao........ once i step inside.... someone will shout and ask "eh who's using the toilet?!" ....... obviously someone using the toilet right?! ask for wat? and everytime i bath the WHOLE WORLD will complain........... "eh jie u use toilet damn long already leh" "lin ah! i wanna use toilet ah!" or before i go to the toilet, the whole world will rush to use the toilet before me "wah! lao da jie use toilet liao! muz go toilet first! if not muz wait very long"

o_O"

i've got school tml.... just for this 2 saturdays...... and im damn damn damn sian of it........ i dont wanna go school on saturdays......... i HATE IT........... argh.... hafta wake up at 8 tml..... woke up late today and was late for lecture...... was glared by the lecturer for awhile..... but thankfully today was the 1st lesson and he was basically giving resume of himself for the 1st half of the lesson... his name is nageb............. and i dont knw why i always have the tendency to pronounce it as nage. b instead of pronouncing it as a whole.... aiya, dono how to explain lah. blah.

tell me how i can improve on my english? read more? but i dont think reading makes my english better....

a few more weeks to our 4th year.......

the same few weeks before i get my piano results......

4 year anniversary........ no money buy present........... damn sad.........

In a relationship, there are some things you like to do and some things you don't. So, together, you figure out what little things you are willing to do for each other. You share the responsibilities. In a relationship, there is no scorecard. You do little things for each other to make the other's life easier. You wont find it annoying with doing something for your other half because you're doing them out of love. plain love.

i will trade anything for a minute of quality of love..... although he's committed to me, took care of me, he did not give me the experience of being loved from moment to moment.......the kind of affection, the tenderness, the words lovers use, the listening, the sensitivity, the nurturing, the respect, the willingness to participate with me in creating the relationship each day....

sometimes i get mad at you for not paying much attention to me...... but i realised..... u'd always been doing little things for me.... yet i hadn't noticed....... u'd always help me buy my food before u buy yours.... always.... u'd nvr asked me to go buy my own food while u wait at the table.... i had always taken it for granted.....

but sometimes u can really make me go mad............. u dont pay much attention to me...... u'd rather pay ur attention to ur games, ur parents, ur friends.... anyone but me...... i dont knw why.... sometimes i can be right beside u, yet u continue watching the tv as if im not there.... i can be walking right beside u, yet u continue walking the streets like u're alone, all the while still holding on to my hand...... we can sit on the mrt next to each other and yet we look like complete strangers....... you wouldn't even hold my hands, lay on my shoulders like u used to..... you used to hold my waist.... you used to whisper to me....... nw u just talk to me like im ur friend....

you used to let me take ur bolster, now u snatch it away from me..... you used to cover me in ur blanket... now u just cover for yourself..... you used to call me baby..... even at home when ur mum's around..... now u just call me "eh"...... u used to talk so nicely to me, now u just shout...... u used to give in alot.... now im the one giving in all the while...... u used to comfort me when i cry.... now u just turn your body away from me..... u used to call me every night to chat...... im the one calling u every night now.....

i really miss those good old days when i was so contented with my relationship i felt i was the most fortunate girl in the world..... now, carine's love graph, the law of diminishing returns sets in....

i miss my hubby so much, the one i used to love so much..... the one who used to love me as much.... i miss my hubby, his old self......but i'll still love u "every minute, every second, every milli second, every nano second, every pico second"

hmmm did i mention..... im quite concerned that the school is near my hse....... hahahha...... cos i'll be so damn bloody tempted to take cab to sch?! cos it's like so near and cheap and fast?! like today, FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.... i took cab........ i overslept... woke up at only 12 plus when my class starts at 1.30.... and i wanted to reach school early cos i wanna leave time for me to "get lost" in school, in short, leave at least 15mins for me to find the damn classroom la! nvm.... cab fare for such a short distance is quite ex actually... didn't expect it to be 4bucks... i tot only like 3 bucks or lesser...... apparently the hike in cab fare is really quite a substantial amount....

attended my first ever lesson in SIM today...... not as bad as i thought.... but that's only for the subject Auditing.... hey, i JUST realised Auditing is not a calculating subject, dont require any calculations at all!!! *yippee* but.... BUT...... it requires HELL LOT of readings........ need to read HELL LOT of articles............. ARGH.... i dont mind writing essays... but reading articles!!! especially boring articles concerning finance!! my lecturer told us to read "MONEY" of straits time............. wa lao............. hell boring ah.... aiya nvm, at least she's good.... so far so good.......

no socialising for me.......... i didnt even say hi to the girl sitting beside me........ cos i dont think i'll even remember her face for the nxt lesson..... and i think i can learn better alone....... at least no temptation to talk to friends sitting around u.... and tat's good.... cos im such a talkative girl....... ha.

every start of the school term u'll always hear me saying "i'll work harder this year"....... but somehow the adrenaline to work hard always stop after the 1st month.... we'll see how it goes this term ya............

i'll work harder this year......

"what good is love when it keeps hurting me"

lynn.. how true...

i have so many regrets in life.................... so so so many regrets........ i wish i can be strong enough to move on, but sadly i dont think so......... somebody have to push me.....

im angry at my life, pissed at myself to have such a soft ear for everything.... i listen too much to others and let them influence me so much........... they have so much impact on me......... i get so easily cajoled into buying things, doing things........ and then after that i regret........ just like the hair products i ALWAYS buy at salons after cutting hair........ and i regret! cos i have never ever finished using them before!! sometimes i use only once or twice..........

now, its the same thing........ i let a particular girl's rumours influence me...... Miss J told the whole world the school's facing financial difficulties, all the school's gd teachers have left, she might be considering transferring BLAH BLAH BLAH....... i let her influence me.......i went to change school, forsake my $672 i've already paid for school fees and had to dig out close to $5000 for my new school.... and now guess what??? she's still in school... and guess what she said? "oh, i heard the school's not facing difficulties anymore, so dont change lor" u knw, everyone listened to her bloody rumours and decided to change, everyone listened to her.....

i can only blame myself for being so stupid to listen to others so easily.......... i will miss my school...... i will miss the way the lectures and tutorials are held...... i will miss learning in small groups....... i will miss my friends............. but i have to move on........i have to start learning to adapt to new environments....... learn to make new friends.... learn to study independently....... learn to listen during lectures, and not just attending only tutorials................... EVERYONE is telling me "u learn more during tutorials" YAH I KNOW!! but what can i do? SIM has no tutorials! I WILL MOVE ON! I HAVE TO! I DONT WANNA WASTE MY PARENT'S MONEY ANYMORE!

the only good thing that happened from this entire saga is my mum's reaction about me changing school..... my mum simply love SIM.... my mum even told me "im so happy u changed school, cos i like ur new school"........ good.... mum's happy... im happy...... but somehow i still cannot hide my guilt from letting my parents spend so much money on my studies............ waste so much money on me.... be it piano, studies, daily allowance............ i always seem to fail them..... im so guilty i think i might just die........ waste so much money on such an useless daughter.......

i hate myself. period.

hmmm... went to cut my hair (finally) after 6 mths..... wahaha.... cannot stand my messy, limpy hair anymore.... my hair is OK lah...looks so much neater.... but still, i dont knw what my bf will say, his taste is apparently totally different frm mine...anyway, dont knw why everytime after cutting my hair, i ask my mum nice or not, she'll surely say nice and "very cute leh".... i dont like it.... :P

anyway, bf's working at suntec now for the IMF thingy..... dont be surprised if u see him wearing police uniform and walking around.... i wont be able to see him much for this month cos of the IMF thing.... he needs to work (according to him) 1, 2, off..... instead of 1, 2, off off..... seriously i dont understand how the shift system works... but somehow i knw he's being exploited.... he's supposed to ORD this month.... but he cant clear his leave for sept cos of the IMF thing....

anyway...... im bored......

nothing seems to be going right these days....... still haven receive my school timetable due to some screw ups.... apparently it's unfair for us who signed up late for SIM cos they gave the existing students priorities to plot timetables for their subjects...so end up im just getting whatever's that's left of the timetable....... *prays hard that timetable wont turn out bad*

你想要的, 我却不能够给你我全部

我能给的, 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合, 也不想认输

不想再约束, 不要再痛苦

how true....

how can they always say life is NOT a bed of roses? life IS a bed of roses................ looks perfect............... but hidden underneath those pretty petals are thousands of tiny thorns that will prick u......... mine happens to be a bed of dead roses...... looks dead........ and those fucking thorns are still there to prick u........ knn.

最近

你最近不说话

怎麽了, 为什麽

是不是有什麽事让你不快乐

听说你最近很孤单

有点乱, 有点慌

可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的, 我却不能够给你我全部

我能给的, 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合, 也不想认输

好几次, 我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释, 这样的一切, 都只是开始

我觉得是, 所有的一切, 早就已结束

不想再约束, 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

爱, 我却不能给你我全部

我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合也不想认输

好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始

我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束

不想再约束 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

这一次我们都能很幸福

ok..... so it's finally finalised... im transfering to SIM officially.... due to some major changes in management in stansfield... or should i say... i've heard plenty of rumours about the financial difficulties stansfield is in.... im quite lostform abt transferring actually... cos i dont really fancy the large lecture style of SIM... i so much prefer the small class-like style of stansfield.... i dont like mass lectures at all....... i cannot absorb!!! i can only absorb in small groups... like a class.... haizzz......... i really hope i can adapt to the change in studying environment well..... well, at least SIM is more established than stansfield..... at least SIM wont be facing so called "financial difficulties".... at least SIM has a uni campus with good facilities.... canteen, atm machines, large libraries and book shops, VENDING MACHINES.......... SUPER NEAR MY HSE............... *argh, im juz trying to console myself*

anyway, it was a super impulse decision i made on the very day itself... i rushed all the way to SIM to transfer, cos my mum made me.......... my mum WANTS me to transfer........ i was quite shocked my mum wanted me to transfer....cos of all the costs involved.... and i have to forgo the 672bucks i've already paid to stansfield..... (which is damn bloody bo hua!!!!!)i was juz casually mentioning to her that quite alot of ppl have already transferred, and saying even my school principal has already left, and even some of the teachers have left..... she immediately asked me to transfer..... i can tell she likes SIM alot... :P

i dont like any changes in my life, i HATE CHANGES.....i dont like to adapt to new things........... btw, even if i transfer sch i'll still be studying 2nd year, not 1st year...... so dont worry...

and i just realised that failing maths is fucking fucky........ cos i cannot take a hell lot of subjects....... thus.... my second year will be a very hectic one....... if i can successfully manage to appeal to take 4 and a half subjects this year... i'll be taking :AUDITING, financial intermediation, intro to business management, MANAGEMENT ACCOUNTING and retaking maths. auditing and management acounting alone can kill....... die liao lah.....

finally received my uol results....... failed half a subject.... MATHS..... great.... the only thing was i didn't feel VERY VERY disappointed as i've already expected it.... i mean, i was expecting something even worst.... at least i did quite well for my econs.....i thought i'd fail accounting!!! thank god i didn't..... but the marks of the rest of the subjects suck......they're gonna affect my classification of honours.... i can only blame myself for not studying hard enuff..... now i have to repeat half a year of maths.... do u knw hw much i hate maths?!

piano exam is tml...and yet i have to cope with bloody family problems today... sometimes i juz hate the older brother.... he is so dman fucking disrespectful.... being an elder to my younger bro he shud bloody give in right?! he shouts at the whole family for touching his things, shouts at everyone who gets in his way, shouts at my baby bro for touching his things when he just takes OUR THINGS without telling us, sometimes not even returning to us... he repeatedly pointed at my little bro, pointed right on his forehead at gun point, threatening him and screaming at him to not to touch his things... hey PLEASE!!! he's 7 years old for god's sake!! do you know watever u shout at him, watever u do to him, he'll get a traumatic experience for life!!!!! he might even turn out to be a problematic child when he grows older!! it'll haunt him forever! have u spared a thought for US? for our baby bro who's so lonely and poor thing?! pointing and shouting at him at gun point??? WHAT THE FUCK?

and I GODDAM HATE PPL WHO THROWS MONEY! and especially unfillial son who throws money right on my mum's face! this is the second time i've seen him throwing money at my mum's face! FUCK! the money u're throwing isn't even fucking yours! throwing money is so utterly disrespectful to the person, and to the money. YES, TO THE MONEY. hey do u knw if u always throw money, nxt time u'll surely find it a billion times harder to earn those money back.

whenever any of my family members quarrel i usually dont give a damn, dont care.... i only interfere when things get out of hand or when i am CERTAIN u are the one in the wrong. i only side those who's right, only side those who are getting bullied by someone with a big fat ego. stop being so selfish and start acting like a brother. not a bully.

why are u so gei gao? why cant u be more generous?! have I ever said anything when i ALWAYS find MY stuff in YOUR room? i've always been tolerating to you! cant u be tolerating to us?! WE'VE always been tolerating to you! watever u do/take from us have we ever asked u to pay us back? NO! please, we're a family. stop acting like that. u are old enough to think for us, and for yourself. our mum might be very naggy at times, i know, EXTREMELY naggy, but she's our mum. she's our MUM. i've never even hated her for showing favouritsm to you since young. u've always been so pampered, u'd always get what u wanted. i always had to give in to u too in the past. now i have to give in to BOTH of u, have i ever said anything? now as an elder u shud give in to the younger one too shouldn't u?

i have to stand all this when my piano exams is TML. GREAT. good luck to me.

i hope he sees my blog.

attended a friend's ROM that day..... caught everyone by surprise.... he didn't tell us abt it till the very very very last minute... on the day itself... (ROM at 4, he told us at abt 11).... wth.... we were all surprised cos he's only 25! and he juz got attached to his gf (now fiance) for like at most a year? we all thought he did it on impulse... or maybe even shotgun.... but i dont think so.... maybe it's because his fiance is a Vietnamese and it's not easy for her to get PR.... well... anyway...... really have to thank lynn for my last minute i-dont-know-wat-to-wear-for-the-rom crisis....... she rushed all the way down to clementi to lend me her skirt..... in the end i didnt get to wear the skirt... cos they later called to tell us wear smart CASUAL..... ta ma de.... they said they juz wearing normal shirt...... one guy even wore t-shirt.... o_O in the end settled for tube top.... and guess wat those guys said???! "u rom or they rom".... i cannot stand guys who dono hw to present themselves well for the right occasion.... even my bf had the decency to wear long sleeve shirt when he always wear so slack.....

im really glad for friends who are always there for me whenever i need them...

STRESSED UP.

so so so bored and tired...... piano exams is next tuesday..... please please please let me pass...... i want to pass........ i dont wanna fail again... PLEASE... im so scared that i'll screw up again... so scared my fingers will juz freeze once i go into the freeEEZZZzzzing room.... so scared my fingers wont listen to me.... argh! i dont want to juz pass, i want to get a bloody merit.... cos the rest of my teacher's pupils all got MERIT..... fuck man..... they can get 29/30 for their pieces and afford to fail their scales and sight reading and STILL GET MERIT....gosh...

i've been very hardworking......i think........ haizz..... pray for me...

i feel damn fucking pissed, du lan, tortured now. fucking angry. u dont know how fucking ANGRY i am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate myself for tolerating u always, always always!!!!! always tolerating ur nonsense! ur attitude!! tolerating when u ignore me!!! tolerating when u throw ur fucking pointless tantrums!!!!!! relationship isn't always about tolerating! it's more about caring for each other!! it's more about understanding each other, understanding what each other do!! UNDERSTANDING!! GET IT?!

YOU ALWAYS DISALLOW ME TO FUCKING DRINK!!! I UNDERSTAND!! BECAUSE U CARE FOR ME!! BUT THERE ARE FUCKING TIMES/INSTANCES WHEN I HAVE TO DRINK BECAUSE IT'S MY FREN'S BDAY!! BUT U CANT UNDERSTAND THAT! FINE! I UNDERSTAND WHEN U TOLD ME U'RE STRESSED UP, U ARE JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME PUFFS, JUST SOME PUFFS WILL DO. AND I ALLOWED U, WITHOUT THROWING ANY TANTRUMS, WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING!!! BUT U GOT WORST!! U WENT ON SMOKING STICKS BY STICKS AND FINALLY U HAD TO BRING ONE PACKET HOME!!! FUCK YOU!

I'VE BEEN TOLERATING U THE WHOLE OF TODAY. U WENT OUT AT 1 PLUS TILL NOW. 10HRS PLUS OUTSIDE, YET U ONLY MSGED ME TWICE. 2 TIMES. 2 BLOODY TIMES. 10HRS WITH ONLY 2 MSG. NVM. HEY, I DIDN'T DISTURB U FOR THE 10HRS. I TRIED NOT TO CALL U, I TRIED NOT TO MSG U. BUT WHEN U FINALLY TOLD ME U GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE AGAIN, I HAD TO ASK U WHERE AND WHO U GOING RIGHT?! U MEAN I CANT EVEN DO THAT? U MEAN I HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO GET ANGRY THAT U NVR EVEN INTENDED TO MSG OR CALL ME??? AND U HUNG UP ON ME. JUST LIKE THAT. THINKING THAT U HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. AND U SWITCHED OFF UR PHONE. NOW IM LEFT AT HOME. WHEN U AND MY FRENS ARE OUTSIDE. WHEN LYNN AND MAY ARE HAVING FUN. BUT IM AT HOME. I FEEL SO TORTURED. I REALLY FEEL SO TORTURED BY U.

4 YEARS OF TOLERATING. DO U THINK I CAN TOLERATE ANY FURTHER? I WANT TO GET DRUNK. I WILL GET DRUNK SOMEDAY. DRINK AWAY ALL MY SORROWS, PAIN, GRIEVE, BITTERNESS, ANGER IN ME.

hmmmmm..... everyone's been trying to jio me out these days.... but i've rejected all of them..... really really really apologetic and sorry about that...... cos for one thing, im damn fucking broke. for another thing, im damn bloody stressed up over my piano exams (cos i dont wanna fail another fucking time), i have to be at home to practice every single day. and i've got piano lessons twice a wk (at least). *pulls hair*

haizZZZZzzz....................... *sigh sigh sigh* i wana die...........

really sorry girls......... can't make it everytime u all jio me out......... sorry..... i'll be free from september onwards..... somehow always so suay, when i free u all not free, when i not free u all free......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE.

yet another boring day for me...........since im dead broke.... i've gotta camp at home..... and that sucks..... which means i have no choice but to practice piano...... I HAVE TO PRACTICE PIANO.... I CANNOT PROCRASTINATE ANYMORE!!!! argh..... pissed off at my life....... no money, no life, no bf today. bf's at the stadium now.......

there were many a times in this 4 years of relationship when i'd wanted to give up......... to ditch him and move on with my life...... but i didn't have the courage, nor do i really want to end it...... there were many ups and downs but i didn't give up......but sometimes it's so tough to be the only one giving in, to be the only person to give and give and give without getting anything in return..... I KNOW!! i shouldn't want my love to be returned, for love should be unconditional..... blah blah blah bullshit... FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! love SHOULD be returned! u should get back what u put in, if not that's not called love anymore!!! it's just ur one-sidedness!

im going to give up soon, if he still doesn't wanna do anything.... i really dont know what i should do now... i've done all that i should do.... its up to you now...

you dont know how much i love you, or maybe you know it too well, that's why u are taking full advantage of it. i wont let you do that anymore. im like a bottle of champagne ready to pop open anytime. stop shaking me anymore. or i'll really go pop, and hit u on ur head.

how can one hate and love so much at the same fucking time. now i know why sometimes intense love can fester overnight to intense hate. bitterness festered, and grew.

had alot of fun last friday celebrating Rach's 20th birthday..... finally, she's 20..... hehe...

photos are here: http://carinez1.multiply.com/photos/album/36

went for some photo taking sessions after dinner... and really managed to digest quite alot..... hahah since we walked and walked and walked....... then headed to may's hse for some drinks.... and as usual..... slacked there till early morn....... heh.....

cant wait to go out and have fun later..... cant wait cant wait........... im supposed to have cold war with him today.... im not supposed to msg him today...... i must remember not to msg him...... i must remember...

when u live in a family like that... u wont feel like having one of ur own.... i feel so sick of this family.... i hate myself for being so bad tempered to my family members.. but i cant help it... i feel so so sorry for my little bro.... he gets every single shits from all of us... everyone turn their backs against him... thinks that he's irritating.... slams the door on his face and locks it.... and he's left outside in the living room... watching his cartoons... living in his own world... occasionally knocking on our doors.. hoping we will let him in to play.....when we dont respond, he walks off... feeling dejected..... but he tries over and over again... till my other brother screams at him for being so irritating.... he runs to his room to cry...... my mum will start screaming at this moment.... asking why cant the older brother give in to the younger one.... why must we lock him away..... and then my mum starts shouting at my little brother for disturbing us.......

im sorry, im really sorry. im sorry that whenever i quarrel with ur 'chengyong gor gor' i'll vent it all on you... im really sorry... im sorry you were born in this family..... im sorry i treat u like that..... i will love you more i promise...

stop asking me whats wrong with me..... i cant, and wont explain.. what u see from this blog is what u'll get.....

had a great day yesterday....... went out with vel, and as usual.... couldn't stop talking...... went to the HK cafe at Cineleisure..... and the food there is very nice!! we caught a movie, took some neo prints, and even had time for a little shopping and chatting at starbucks....hahah considered a day well spent... it's been a very long time since i took neo prints....but some of the neoprints didn't turn out very nice..... (i mean, i didn't turn out nice hehehe) both of us brought cameras but we didn't use them... hahha i dont know why.....

i am really really really broke these days......... haizZZz.....

i must remember to msg my bf at 1.23am later........ i almost forgot.... he reminded me.... im touched.....

Happy 46th Month Anniversary to my beloved hubby..... *muackz*