hey. did i mention i nearly went crazy on saturday? :P i took out 200bucks from my bank and wanted to spend every cent of it on saturday. i was THAT desperate to shop and relieve my stress. i went cold storage and grabbed tonnes of snacks. luckily, my bf pissed me off and i walked out of cold storage leaving him with the basket of snacks. wanted to totally walk out on him, but felt sorry and went back. pathetic. i was comforted by the fact that when i went back i saw him trying to secretly put the basket of snacks in a corner and ran off wanting to chase after me. cute. :P thank god i din buy and spent my money on those stupid snacks.

but..... i did buy a pair of shoes. at last. after weeks of pinning. i did it. :P

the rest of the 200bucks, 150bucks is still in my wallet, and i hope that it wont vanish soon. :P

oh my god.

i'm in for it. i'm dead. these past 3 days have been hell for me. really hell. cos i din touch my books AT ALL. oh no. the whole world was topsy turvy.

my family quarrelled like fuck on thursday. they FOUGHT to be exact. and i really mean punches and everything. everyone was shouting all at once, and i don't know why all was aimed at me. i couldn't take it anymore and just left my hse, giving a damn lame excuse tat i'm gonna study with my frens. in the middle of the night at 1230am. cool. i realised i was left to bear the loneliness, ALONE. i totally forgot that i haven been in contact with my sec. sch frens for a hell long time. i couldn't bare to bow down to them and plead them to let me into their hse in the middle of the night. it'd be like begging to almost strangers. the worst thing was i totally forgot i quarrelled with my boyfren too. and he's in camp, so there was no way for me to go his hse in the middle of the night and just wait for him to open the door for me like i used to.

then i decided to call my jc frens. but realised i could only call sam, he'd be the only one who'd on me at once. but i'd be alone with him. and it's just not right. i didn't wanna bother anyone anymore after realising that all my frens wont be able to meet me in the middle of the night. i called xiaojun too, hoping that she'd go out with her frens to eat supper, so i'd have company till 5plus. but she din go out with her frens tat night. haiz.

i was left alone. i talked to my bf over the phone trying to find a place for me to sleep. he wanted me to go his hse just like tat. but i din want it. cos it's a crazy idea to go his hse at 1 plus and wake his whole family up. so. there i was loitering my neighbourhood from 12 plus to 2 plus till i decided to go eat supper at the 24hrs kopitiam near westmall. i took my own time to walk allllllllllll the way there. ate. and slept there. till 5.30 before walking all the way back to nature park area to take cab. so sucks. finally reached his hse at 6.30 when his parents all left for work. slept at 7am. and woke up at 6pm in the evening when my bf came hm. a day was wasted just like tat.

all the while when i was left alone. i had lots of time to think alot of things.

i was thinking; why did my life turn out like tat? it wasn't like that when i was in my sec sch. whenever i felt down i could just call any of my frens and they'd come and meet me. and i don't need to think whether it's my responsibility or not to meet a guy in the middle of the night.

i wished my bf was with me that night, i wouldn't have felt so bad. i wouldn't have thought that i would need frens. i realised i don't really have frens afterall. i felt so so so so lonely. lonely. lonely.

I want to die. I want it now.

Why must every guys in the world resort to violence when they are dealing with their so calle most loved ones.

Why must every girl/woman pathetically accepts everything.

Why can't anyone care.

i feel so loserish. i feel like a total loser. i'm feel like a pathetic gf pathetic fren pathetic daughter pathetic A level student. i just feel like a loser. i can't achieve anything. everything that i do just isn't enough for anyone. especially to him.

i'm screaming inside of me.

they are screaming just outside my room.

and him? sleeping.

i might just go sch tml again to study.. the rooftop cafe just opened.. quite nice to study.. got air con somemore.. but its only opened till 7 :P sianz diao..

not so productive day today.. din study much.. kept on talking to maybelline.. and even went to play squash with may and xiaojun half way thru.. got ourselves so hot and sticky tat we couldn't really study.. i might just bring clothes to sch tml to bath.. :P

i'm jealous..

cool...4 posts in a day.. make it 5.. :P

i'm jealous. of my bf's bunkmates. they get to see him so much more than i do.

i'm sick. gastric is killing me and i can't sleep. thinking of my bf all day and all week is just not good for health. thinking abt after A levels even BEFORE the actual As is really getting on my nerves. i'm not even thinking about the actual As now. i'm thinking how to spend my hols. shit.

i hope i get fever again. at least i can get some attention from my bf once in awhile. childish. i hate myself.

i suddenly realised that a whole load of ppl that i know have blogs. i JUST realised. ok. i'm slow. but just knew when i went to farhan's blog. i realised izhardi, rabeah, elfareeza, rizal.. even fairus!! have blogs! soooooo amazing.. i din know blog's soooooooo popular.. i'm really looking forward to having a 04 chalet again.. always had fun during those chalets.. how many chalets have we got already? lost count.. 4? 5? not THAT many chalets.. but well.. always had fun..

i really got to get my sleeping clock back to work again.. i've been sleeping sooooooo late every night.., and only waking up at only 1 plus in the afternoon and missing all those lessons that i was SUPPOSED to go.. i need to sleep at 10 wake up at 6.. so i won't die during the A levels..

lynn, u too. get ur sleeping clock working again. i think ur's is worst than mine. :P u like dont need to sleep everyday. SLEEP.

i seriously can't wait for 25th of november after the A levels.. i can't help but always get distracted by what i'm gonna do after As..

i'm gonna get a boat and driving license. and finish my grade 8 piano and theory. so at least i have something to fall back on if i don't get into university. i wanna be an admin clerk. i know it's a very very very boring job. but i don't wanna see, smell, talk, or touch any other ppl. i HATE SALES! YUCKS! i HATE to be waitresses or whatever mcdonald shit! i'm so damn bloody scared of customers. or breaking any plates, cups,bowls or watever. i'm such a thin skinned person. i wont be able to stand it if my boss scolds me for being a 'cow' in a china shop.

i'm looking forward to some other happening things that i HOPE my frens will organise. some chalet or something, bbq or watever. i just wanna PLAY PLAY PLAY ALL DAY!!!!

stop daydreaming la.

COUNTDOWN: 7 days to GP. 7 days to hell to be precise.

what have i done to get this kinda of treatment from him. i feel so unappreciated. i feel so unloved. i feel like a pathetic gf. someone take my handphones away from me so i wont msg or call him tml. i was so angry just now that i threw my phone on the ground. realised it was a grave mistake. it's my bf's fault, not my hp, y shud i vent it on my poor hp. i think i shud sell it before it's spoilt again. :P

i always msg him to inform him where i'm going, who i'm going out with.. i feel it's a kind of responsibility, i know i should do that to make him feel secure.. i know it's a gf's responsibility..

'i always msg you and call you wherever i go lor. even if i know ur hp's not on. after 6 when u still haven call me i will always call you lor.'

yet, my protests were met with a 'tat's all only ah. it's not enough.'

tat sentence really killed me, silenced me. suddenly, it came upon me that watever i do for him, what ever i do for anyone, is always not enough to satisfy them. whatever i do, everyone will still make me sound so worthless, so unappreciated.

seriously.... i don't see any light for my A levels... im seriously screwed.. badly... i'm giving up hope.. i haven been studying ANYTHING!! and i really mean it.. i only did a few pathetic econs essay outlines.. which i just copied straight from my lecture notes.. and wats the bloody point of doing essay outlines now? i shud have done it mths ago!! i did NOTHING during the weekend... and every weekends i will be doing nuthing!! cos i miss my bf!!! ARGH!! i'm really gonna fail my A levels.. i'm serious.

feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick..... had fever since yesterday... burning fever of 39.2 yesterday.. felt like it was my worst day ever today.... so suay... whole body aching.. and i mean aching so much that i had to do everything slow motionly cos it's so painful to even walk... thanks mum for caring for me yesterday night... so touched..she kept waking up in the middle of the night to use cold towel to cool my forehead and wrapped me up in blanket so i can sweat my fever off.. wanted to say thanks.. but anyway... if i say that my mum will think i'm crazy...

on another note........

i can't seem to bring myself to study at all after prelims.. feel so much like giving up my studies and just go straight to a private uni........... really feel so stressed and so UN-time............. so less time yet so much things to cramp in my very very small and limited brain... i think i'm really damn stupid.. i can't seem to understand alot of things that i've studied.. and even when i studied so much for my prelims it didn't really pay me off... k lah.. not study alot lah...but it was as much as what i studied for my O levels... feel like giving up.. and im still at the same lecture note after 3 days.. and i'm still at page 5... can u believe it... i'm DEAD.

COUNTDOWN: 20 days to A' LEVELS.... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!! SO LITTLE TIME LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me."
~Sarah Bernhardt~

"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
~Gretchen Kemp~

My results suck big time... quite disappointed though at least i passed my geog... but it's still not good enough... it didn't even touch a C... And i'm supposed to be scoring As and Bs and Cs for my A' levels if i wanna go to uni.. and if i want to go to buisness.........ARGH.

and the thing is.. jjc's prelims is supposed to be very easy, compared to other schools..

and when the hell are we getting back our lit papers?? Lit teachers ALWAYS take so damn long to mark. especially paper 4 and 8. I SUPPOSEDLY did quite well for one of the paper4 essays.. as everyone said.. but it's not GOOD ENOUGH! and there's the OTHER essay to think about.. which i think i'm failing..really.. there's really a very high possbility.. and there's always paper8 to pull me down.. as usual.

why is my life always school work and more school work? A levels and more A levels? Everywhere i go ppl will just ask me: "hey how's ur prelims? wat's ur results?" and every single time i will just say nonchalantly..." it's quite bad, but i don't care." when in actual fact. I DO CARE. and i'm WORRIED!!

to tell the truth.. i did put in quite alot of effort to study for my physical geog and econs.. i really did lor.. and my results doesn't reflect anything.. compared to my frens who can score so well when they don't really study.. i feel i'm such a loser.. but then again... it's just the prelims right? (CARINE STOP LYING TO YOURSELF!! though it's really just prelims.)

I really wish i can bring myself to study now..

COUNTDOWN: 26 days to A' Levels. *oh no*

had a not-as-wonderful-as-i-tot-it-would-be weekend.. haizZz.. though it WAS 1st Oct.. it wasn't as fun as i thought.. but i enjoyed every moments spent with him..

The past 2 years with him was hard to come by.. we had tears.. had fun.. how fast time seem to go by.. really so fast.. i still remembered the 1st time we met.. what he wore and what i wore.. and even what i ate.. i remembered his look of disappointment when he first saw me.. i wasn't exactly his type of girl.. :P his dream girl was supposed to have long hair, doesn't wear specs.. and very demure.. i was the total opposite.. BUT......... this did show me that love's just not only about the appearances.. he wasn't exactly my dream guy too.. :P my dream guy was something like that korean star Pei Yong Jun.. heh.. tall, wear specs.. and very gentlemanly..

really.. how time has passed us by..

we didn't go anywhere on 1st Oct.. we only celebrated on the 2nd.. i was still quite pissed at him on the 1st.. even though he sent me a very very very sweet msg to wish me happy anniversary... well at least when i reached his hse the 1st thing he said to me was sorry.. (maybe it's just 'cos he saw the brownie i made for him :P)

2nd Oct.. we went Bugis 1st.. cos both of us wanted to buy a guy-girl perfume.. we already had Morgan in mind.. but wanted to give ourselves more choices anyway.. and went around the wholeeeeeee of Seiyu in search of THE perfume and ended up with a huge stack of tester slips of paper. and got me soooooooo giddy in the end. i hate perfumes actually. :P In the end, we still bought he Morgan perfume set. so much so for more choices..

the guy's one is very manly.. not so strong.. just nice.. the girl's one has got a very flowery scent.. too girly i think... but he likes it.. and the reason why i'm putting on perfume is for him to smell lor..

then............ very anti-climaxly.. we went to eat Seoul Garden due to super low funds... we wanted to go eat Ganghis Khan lor.. but it's soooooooooooo super expensive.. me.. being the ever caring ever considerate gf of his decided not to eat such ex food as he was the one paying the bill.. we ended up eating at Seoul Garden.......... made me so sick of meat.. i think i'm gonna be vegetarian for a week..

back home... we settled cosily on his sofa and watched pirated vcd "qian ji bian 2" :P funny story.. lousy actors..