i've decided.................. to become a full time piano teacher after working for maybe around 3 or 4 yrs as an accountant........ i've gotten my new inspiration from the lady at Music Essentials at Meridien shopping centre.... she's damn COOL.... she looks super nerdy and normal.... but once she starts talking, she gets ALL ur attention.... she's so captivating when she talks.... if im the parent i'll surely want her to teach my kid ah.... so interesting... in a few year's time i wanna join the Singapore Music Teacher's Association... IF i can... get a music degree.... my teacher shen jing bing, she got a POST GRADUATE cert... she can be professor for music already...



i've counted................. if i start as a NEW piano teacher, say charge $30 an hr for beginners (already very little hor), and if i can get 25 students (5 students a day, each time 45 mins)........... i can dont need to work on wkends, and i can earn $3500 easily......... EASILY. note: DONT NEED TO WORK ON WKENDS, dont need to worry about Over Time. work less than 5 hrs a day. WAH LAN EH. no wonder my piano teacher's so wealthy ah.

it's "bandang" to write how much u love ur bf, or how great u think ur bf is on ur blog. cos somehow something will happen the very nxt day and last the entire wk. cb.

why do i have so many obligations, but non i can fulfil.

i'm going crazy. mad with sadness. drowning. dying.

i dont understand why it always have to be like tat........... i dont know why.......... i dont understand.......... i hate the sort of feeling........... torn between ur bf and ur frens.......... i am so so so so so utterly sad, guilty, bitter, disappointed about it, but i have no choice................. bf will be the priority (forced)........ i am so sorry............ i am disallowed to.......... not that i dont want........... i WANT!! but i cant!!! fucked up feeling! I SUCK!!! I FUCKING SUCK! fucking suck as a friend. fucking suck as a HUMAN BEING AS A WHOLE. i fucking suck. it's best that i disassociate with the world, it's best that i isolate myself, it's best if i can just live on an island, alone. I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE OF MY OWN. I LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE FOR OTHERS.

fucking upset, but no one understands. don't expect anyone to. just leave me alone.

Pay attention (bloody funny!)

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the dissection table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. "I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger." Now learn to pay attention."

went dentist today (urgh)........ I HATE GOING DENTIST!!! argh! the EeeeeeeeEEEEee sound keeps ringing in my ear even after the dentist had finished with my teeth.........i was clasping my hands together so tightly the dentist had to ask me to relax........ i really hate hate hate going to the dentist ah.... really painful! and it's not juz the pain........ it's the way the dentist twist and turn something sharp in ur mouth that makes me go crazy....... i can't believe i have to do an operation for my mutated wisdom tooth soon.......... oh my god... this "mutated" wisdom tooth has been in my mouth since i was working in Citibank..... i've been trying to drag for as long as i can not to go do the operation....... but now, it's really starting to hurt........ and my mum's forcing me to go operate it and get (yank) it out.... but i'll keep delaying as much as i can........... i've already told the dentist im only going to do it after the CNY, and im intending to keep to my promise (heh)......

10 things Carine's afraid of:

1. Dentist

2. Lizards

3. Lightnings and Thunders

4. Backstabbers

5. when ppl cry

6. When ppl aren't pleased with me

7. When something bad happens to my family (CHOI!! TOUCH WOOD!! CHOI CHOI CHOI!)

8. Ghosts (ok, only during certain time of the year and after watching ghost films)

9. When I leave my little bro alone at home

10. flunking major exams (waste parents' money!) (CHOI CHOI CHOI TOO!)

guess wat? my hp number opened FIRST PRIZE....... greatest thing abt it is i DIN BUY......... the LUCKIEST THING? my mum bought........... *phew* but just $1 big......... not alot of money, but enough to get me (and my family) new clothes for CNY.... yippee!! i must thank god, lucky stars, angels, or watever that's blessing me and my family when we're having abit of financial difficulties..... it's really a blessing........

load off my mind........

im so happy...................... going vivocity with my mum and little bro this saturday to shop..... bf's driving us there........... *blessed*

a kiss for the bf for taking his time out for me and my family despite he only has the wkends off........

First lesson of tuition this year went smoothly............ First boy i've taught..... very very nice boy so far..... so far so good..... he thinks maturely for his age (same age as my youngest bro age 9), maybe because of the things he's been thru at such a tender age........ guess wat he told me when i was explaining the phrase "兄弟" (brothers), he told me, "nope, i dont have brothers, i live alone with my dad, just the 2 of us only, my mummy died already"................. when he told me this, his face machiam wanted to cry already........... my heart ached when i heard this and saw his grieve-stricken face...... i didnt' wanna probe further....... but.... deep in my heart i wanted to know wat really happened.... did his mum really died? or did his daddy lie to him abt the truth? u knw when u watch serial dramas the dad always lie to the child abt the mum, telling him the mum died but actually the mum left them for another guy? something along tat line..... aiyah i think too much............. but i really feel alot for the boy.... he gave me a very very sad look again when he said he only goes out to play badminton with his dad and his GF and the gf's son on certain weekends, not every wkends, juz CERTAIN wkends.... i could feel he feel neglected by his dad..........i mean, if im the dad.......... and if i have a gf......... i might probably be tempted to spend more time with the GF rather than my son......... DONO la..... im so kaypoh.... but the boy is really so poor thing ah......... he's only 9years old.... and he has only his granddad to accompany him everyday............ and to think i've thought my little brother was very poor thing... i've always felt guilty abt leaving him at home since he's so young with only my mum and the SCV............ but hey! the poor tuition boy dont even have SCV at home ok?! he lives in a very very small flat...... with only his daddy (who is always not at home till 7plus or 8plus when he comes back from work, and perhaps, GF)..... at least my mum's not working and can accompany my little bro the whole day a home...........

anyway, my little bro is too spoilt by my mum........... he is really a little imp..... ironically, i dont tutor my little bro but i tutor other children...... stupid, u might think........... but seriously, u can NEVER tutor ur own brother, cos they'll NEVER listen..... they'll scream, throw tantrums, jump around until u bring out the cane....... tell me how to tutor him like that?!

my life is so dull dull dull dull dull. i have to get my CNY clothes soon..... i WAS SUPPOSED to go shopping today after class..... but i went home to sleep instead.... sheesh........ had a fun time with 204 gang juz now....... it's been such a long time since i've seen them... can't wait for another outing.........

2 giants behind are at least 1.92cm tall..................... SO TALL!!!!! i still cant believe JD shed 39KG after entering army......... gosh..... hahahah i wanna join army too!! can jian fei!!

fucking pissed. pissed. pissed. fucking pissed at the bf. bloody pissed. unbelievably pissed. cheebye. can't the bf talk to me in a better way? can't he talk in a nicer way? y must he talk to me like fuck? fucking hell the way he talk to strangers better than he talk to me ah. chao chee bye. ANGRY!

anyway. i have a piano assignment. scared to teach piano. argh. but easy money. bloody easy money. 1hr=32bucks. shiok. damn weird, i have to teach the 3 yr old child and the DAD. but anyway, no prob, i'll ask my piano teacher to teach me how to teach. i hope i wont screw it up. my first guinea pig hahahah...

the bloody agent is damn rude ah..... super rude ah!! wahlao eh... i asked the agent "huh? dad wanna learn piano? but it's super difficult for adults to pick up piano..." the agent said "difficult meh? or u dont know how to teach? just teach them music appreciation dont need to teach them for exam la" WAH LAN EH, how can u assume i dont know how to teach when i haven't even tried?! i wonder wat he told the family. when i told him straight i had no experience in teaching piano he was like, "you diploma leh" GO AND DIE LAH, diploma must have experience teaching piano ah. u so li hai u go teach ah. im just scared he go and tell the family rubbish, scared he lied to the family saying i have experience.

grrrrr......... why do i lack confident in everything i do?

i've got a tuition assignment........ FINALLY..... best thing is it doesn't go through agent!! yippee! dont knw if it's confirmed or not.... the parent going to call me tonight..... but i feel abit ripped off by the parent.... her bargaining skills superb........ really superb........ haiz....... at least from feb onwards i'll have some income......

wat i need most now:

MONEY

a perfect set of teeth

clever brains

energy to study and go sch

slim down another 2kg to meet my target

hair cut

dentist (yucks)

2007 Organiser (anyone know where to get them? i've been to many bookstores but they are either to ex or too ugly, i need those thin, long, floral printed ones, not those ugly black ones :P)

chinese new year clothes aka SHOPPING therapy

my bf.

i feel stupid when i'm around with him...... but i willingly let myself to become stupid.......... i just want him to protect his stupid little girl........ but apparently my "stupid-ness" sometimes gets on his nerves hahahah....... i dont understand guys who like witty girls....... if girls are clever and witty (even infront of their boys), then how can the guys' egos be put to use? (warped mindset of mine, forget i said tat, maybe some guys really like clever girls)

i miss my boy suddenly........ sometimes i find him so adorable, other times i find him so hard to comprehend...... i dont know how to describe this kinda feeling....... sometimes u hate him so much u wanna slap the hell out of him, sometimes u find him so adorable he juz keep hovering in ur thoughts....

maybe we should try to become "romantic" all over again....... u know, like strolling along the beach and try not to feel sticky and hot and pay attention to the romance....... or go to parks for long walks and try not to pay attention to the mosquitoes buzzing around......... or u know, walk in the rain and forget abt those wet sand in ur slippers......... have u ever felt extra lonely when u walk home at night, with the cold gentle breeze stroking ur face, and u suddenly wished ur boy was here with his arms around u......... sigh......... i've always felt extra moody/depressed when i walk home in the cold night....... juz brews the mood for me to reminise the old days.......... sad.....

i'm like so bothered about to give tuition or not to............. i'm so fucking bothered over sooooooo many damn things......... i need to give tuition cos im fucking broke, but i dont want to... i need to study, but im fucking lazy to start.... i need to do my assignments, but i have so little knowledge i dont know how to go about even STARTING the damn assignments.... ARGH! bloody pissed....

I'm desperately looking for tuition assignments....... please leave me all the agency numbers u've got....... :P i am damn fucking broke...

i wanna go overseas overseas overseas................... i dont wanna spend my 21st birthday mugging for exams.......... fucked up fucked up fucked up!!

i dont like it when ppl ask me to finish up my food when i simply cant finish (or dont want to)..... either im damn full or cos the food is simply not finishable (aka sucks!)......... i dont know why they must make a big fuss over not finishing my food.... i really dont like it then dont finish ah......... i know i know..... it's really waste of food... but i really dont wanna finish it cannot ah?? or maybe it's like a habit since young.... whenever i cant finish my food i juz tell my mum "mummy wo bu yao le" then my mum will surely say "bu yao jiu bu yao"...... actually i still do that to my mum now at this age....actually everytime i do that im hoping my mum will try to finish my food for me so i wont feel so guilty hahaha...but she normally wont...

i mean, i really dont mind u telling me off a little for not finishing up my food cos i know it's really a bad habit.... but dont start making a BIG FUSS out of it and start preaching me about the Africans not having any food at all to eat... (i've heard the story 100000000000 times)..... and most importantly dont give me THAT LOOK when u see so much food left on my plate.... i dont know how to explain THAT LOOK, but ya, it's that look i dont like.

been coughing like hell these few days..... can't sleep every night cos of my stupid bloody cough.... and i really mean bloody..... my phlegm is like hell green and bloody...... oh yucks.....sucks to be sick.............

well, it seems like a blessing in disguise though........... cos of this bout of sickness........... i slimmed down 2.3kg.......... yay! way to go! hur.......... of cos slim down ah.... everyday eat so little........ everyday suffer with sorethroat flu and fever......... wat a way to slim down.......... argh...........

the worst thing about this sickness.... i've got no voice left......... my voice became "sexy"........ everyone who heard me kept saying that i dont know why........ this stupid voice's been with me since wednesday.... my bf's scaring me that this voice might stick with me for the rest of my life..... CHOI!!! oh yucks.... wat a scary thought......... oh man........... i mean, i've really heard woman with this kinda voices leh............

everytime i gotta pay school fees... i feel so guilty for letting my parents spend and spend and spend so much for me..... i feel like a 败家 daughter.... arghhhh......... even piano fucking school fees.......... one lesson 1 hr=$70 bucks fucking gone!!! i nvr practice my piano at all!! wat the fuck... really hell waste of money...... i really feel like giving up........... mum keep forcing me to continue taking... take until so high for wat.........if not i would have time to study, would have time to take up part time jobs........... ARGH! i fucking hate myself........ fuck fuck fuck........

and fuck fever, flu and cough and everything.......... worst bout of sickness..... ever........ fever sky high... i feel so weak i feel so sick i feel so cham.............. i need comfort....... yesterday WAS THE WORST.... juz laid on bed and did nothing....

i should have juz died..........

i am so damn bloody tired............. i've been having problems sleeping.... AGAIN.... these few days.... thinking abt really STUPID things.........

nothing much these days..... really damn boring life i've got........ i need to really get my arse down to study..... if not im so screwed..... i've been pontenging hell lot of lessons.... i really ought to give myself one tight slap.........

i'm very materialistic. but im not the only one around.

something is really wrong with me. i dont know wat. i feel so..... D.E.A.D

oh my god this is so bloody true... relates so much to me i cant help but grab it from wani and put it here... just so SOMEONE can see...

when a girl walks off and tells you to leave her alone, she wants you to follow her.

when a girl tells you she never wants to talk to you again, she really wants you to look for her. (unless of course, you seriously screwed up BIG time)

it is pretty easy to please a girl, let me tell you. one word: effort.

once a girl sees you going out of your way for her, when she sees you putting in effort to make her feel wanted, loved and appreciated, she's as good as yours. (exception for hard-core girls who really are true bitches. then, sorry, can't help you there. you're on your own buddy)

anyway, new year resolution:

1. STUDY and get good grades. this is my most important mission in this present part of my life. i really need to get my arse to start. exams in may.

2. stop giving in so much. dont lose myself in this relationship. friends are as important.

3. spend my time more fruitfully, dont spend so much on sleeping, watching tv and doing stupid things like quarrelling with bf.

4. love myself.

5. LOSE WEIGHT. CUT FAT! targeted areas: arms, face, waist, back.

6. practise piano more often.

hail the mighty king.

victim of your tyranny.

biggest source of pain.

living in your shadows.

biggest mistake of my life.

nothing but regrets. nothing but pain.

since when did fear end up in our relationship.

it shouldn't have replaced love, trust, care, concern, sincerity.

this is wat happens when u love ur half more than he/she loves u.

nevertheless, i still love you.