counting down to Hong Kong..... 2 more days..... thursday morning and i'll be off!! yay!! 5 days!!

its finally over man......freedom........... freedom......

thanks to Huiyee... who bought me a very apt book for bday present!! "Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul"... think i need it now....hmmmMM...

went Kbox with Serene, Huiyee and Joey today..... sang and sang and sang......... for 4 hrs..... afterwhich i had a long long talk with serene and joey (huiyee went off to meet a FREN ;) ) anyway... after the talk... it got me thinking about how much i'm putting into my relationship......

i want to be the gf who dont really put in much effort and the bf still continues loving u.... putting in effort to dote on u with all his heart.... that is real love right??... considering im putting in so much effort into my relationship yet all i get is just treated NORMALLY... so normal... so much so that u dont even feel there's any difference between the way he treats his frens and the way he treats u.....

all i wanted was juz a surprise... or u whispering to me out of the blue "baby i love u", just a small gift sometimes (even chocolates will do)... i remembered u used to buy Kinda Bueno for me.... or maybe juz a sudden peck on my cheek.......... and not juz treating me, treating our relationship so apathetically....

sometimes i juz get so dejected, so helpless and clueless to "wat am i going to do to make it like wat it used to be? to make it back to wat we used to be? when both of us contributed EQUALLY to this relationship"....

i really do think that bfs get complacent with their always-so-keen-to-treat-us-lovingly gfs..... till the point tat they feel tat "hey, even if i dont do anything for her, she will still treat me so nicely, or maybe even more nicely, so might as well dont do anything".... till the point where they dont even have any incentives to do anything nice for us at all anymore....

its kinda sad right.... to think about how things can change so much only after a few years.... roles in a relationship changed totally.... the guys..... who were once so eager to go all out to woo the girls, to dote and take care of their "little princesses" like wat they used to call us.... till the point where u really feel so blessed and feel so in love with him.... they suddenly juz throw you on the floor..... like a piece of tissue.... if u're lucky..... u wont get stepped.... u juz stay lying on the floor..... if u're not, god bless u.... you'll live the life of a pathetic gf.... and get stepped on everyday... till he gets irritated by the sight of the dirty useless tissue lying on the floor.... and he picks it up and juz throw it into the bin.... and take a new piece of tissue out to clean after him....

of cos..... not every guys are like tat.... im juz talking abt alot of guys i know..... and of cos, the roles can be reversed... but one thing will never change.... never let ur bf/gf get complacent with u... nvr let them know u cannot live without them..... nvr put in too much effort in the first place for any relationship..... it will only make ur partner feel so blessed till they think u shud continue with it forever.....

i wondered have u really cared if i've reached home soundly.... i wondered have u really cared when i told u im frigging stressed out by my exams... or were u thinking tat i was juz trying to 'get ur attention'?.... i wondered have u ever felt so insecure that i might, i just might run away some day because of the way u're treating me now? have u ever thought i was a good gf??

ppl wont ever find things good when those things are brought right to their very eyes..... they will only start to miss and regret when those things get further and further away from their grips.....

am i right? do you think im too easy to 'get' now? maybe i should stop doing everything that i'm doing right now... and just wait and see what he'll do..... but it's easier said than done..... sometimes there's this "wat if".... "wat if he wont do anything, and dont even realise that u're not doing anything anymore".... "what if i dont msg him, he wont msg AT ALL?".....

"what if......i just run away and hide.... will he find me?"

has he ever thought that he might never find a gf like me in the future? u know.... one that gives in so unconditionally.... maybe i think too much of myself.... but seriously.... i do not think im a bad gf at all.... i know there are worst gfs than me... i know it... i just know it.... cos im really not bad at all.....

all i hope now is for u to cherish what is infront of u at this very moment...... and i will cherish u too....

freedom is near................... after tml... i'll be free free free!!!

counting down to hong kong (june 1st)!!! 5 bloody days there... i promise i'll shop till i drop....

its really time for me to start on my last paper... but but but............... ARGH... cant bring myself to study at all!! i was like having so much fun for the past week like my exams ended already.... only to realise today that i've another paper on thursday.... shit man..........

i just ATE AND ATE AND ATE for the WHOLE WEEK... fucking fattening....i think i gained like 3kg...

tues, straight after exams went to meet the gang till very late...ate buffet at kuishinbo....

wed... slept till like 3 or 4 in the afternoon and rotted till night.... going online, played maple and basically rotted in my room...

thurs~~: went out with bf in the afternoon to suntec...and ate CARL'S JUNIOR FOR LUNCH. HOW FATTENING. later in the evening, he was sweet enough to bring my family to celebrate my bday at a restaurant.... went turf city with my mum, my 2 bros and my grandma to eat at the restaurant (the unique seafood restaurant or something).....and we saw ALOT of KING crabs ah, 200bucks for one, big enough for 8ppl to eat...wanted to share the bill with my bf, but he said "nvm ur bday i pay" hehe.... the dinner was fantastic.. cos we had sharksfin, the roasted duck (the thin thin roasted skin wrapped with egg skin!! yummy!) and super huge crab... and many many more... and it turned out to be damn bloody expensive..... 2oo plus.... for only 5 adults and 1 child...

fri: THE DAY.... went out again to orchard and later to suntec.... went to buy my bday present.... he bought me an espirit watch (ya, watch again, cos my bf LOVES watches).... i like it alot!! and its damn expensive too... so all in all he spent around 500bucks on me for my bday.... plus dinner, movies and everything.... wanted to watch movie that day.. but there was no more tix.....had CRYSTAL JADE..... we ordered 2 la mian, and THREE OTHER SIDEDISHES.... NEVERMIND, after which we went SWENSENS for earthquake..... i've sinned.....

we went to the fountain of wealth and even went in to touch the small small fountain... the most touching part was when i heard my name announced by the DJ.... "from yong to Carine, Happy Birthday baby" he dedicated "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam for me.... yah i know tat song damn sad, but its sort of like OUR song.... standing by the fountain... listening to that song.... hugging him..... almost wanted to cry...so touching....

Sat: went out AGAIN, to suntec and finally managed to catch Da Vinci.... nice show!!! and we ate subway for dinner... one and a half foot for the 2 of us..... WE ARE BOTH GLUTTONS LAH.... wah lao....

Sun: nvm, went out AGAIN AGAIN!! went to ikea with his mum... and then went Courts and Bt Timah and to IMM..... shagged day.... nevermind leh, guess wat we ate for dinner??? fishhead steamboat.... ordered hell lots of things ah!!

seriously i really think i need to detox for a week..... i ate and ate and ate good food for one whole week... all buffets, carl's junior, steamboat, seafood restaurant, subway, crystal jade, swensens, kuishinbo.... and in the middle still got those small bites we took along the way..... shit man.... not only detox, i need to EXERCISE.....

die ah.... nxt nxt week going HongKong liao... confirm eat MORE ah.... im going to gain like 5kg this month... ARGH....

thank you so much hubby for the wonderful week...... thank you for spending so much on me.... im very guilty for letting u splurge on me.....

i swear, i will never GIVE IN on my BDAY. NEVER.

saw serene at marina square... so qiao.. and she gave me my birthday present....heh now i've got another makeup pouch!! ... but i dont mind really... cos one big one small different pouch for different occasions!!

thanks serene!!

so nice when ur frens know what u want....

Had so much fun yesterday...... it's been so long since i've ever enjoyed myself so thoroughly... again, it felt so surreal.... and yet again, its another one of the best birthdays i've ever spent.... really one of the best, and one of the most touched....

went Kuishinbo with the gang yesterday,it was one of the best buffets i've ever went... heh.... super nice!!.. after which we went may's house again........where we played cards, fooled around, and almost woke up the whole house...

as usual... the gang came up with so many surprises for me yesterday..... i didn't know they'd met much earlier to buy present for me.... i didn't know they'd brainstormed the day before online to think of something to buy for me.....

halfway thru dinner, i was so surprised and touched when lynn and sam came back carrying cakes with a lighted candle......

was even more surprised when they gave me something I'd really wanted so much....when they passed me the present i already knew what they were going to give me, and i told them "u all give me pouch rite"... then all of them gave sian diao face....but i didn't realise they were all smiling secretly... and i really thought they just gave me a pouch only...

<>

i started opening up the present and they all started to talk in unison, "maybe not pouch leh, u never know lor" alot of commotions went on when i was opening the present..... and it really was an expensive looking pouch from accessorize... "see, I was right". then i felt something inside the pouch..... was very surprised to feel something inside.... i opened the pouch and to my utmost utmost amazement, i saw the mirror which i'd lost.... EXACTLY the same... and then i saw something else, the LIMITED EDITION PAUL AND JOE LIPSTICK!!!! this lipstick had been on my wishlist since chinese new year lor!!

ta men zhen you wo de xin........ they decided to replace my lost pouch and even THE THINGS INSIDE..... now i just need to top up the pouch myself with a lipbalm.... heh!! happy!!!

but i was in for another surprise... apparently they burnt a dvd for me..... inside the dvd was a letter from the gang... very touched by the letter.... and there were many many movies that they'd downloaded for me..... got madagascar, BATTLE ROYALE!!, Closer, Honey, Inside Man, and monster-in-law!!.... so cool right! i can just start watching these movies RIGHT after my exams... especially battle royale.. that gory japanese movie that i'd wanted to watch a year or 2 ago....

and of cos, lynn made yet another very nice birthday card for me.... they are the only few ppl left who will give me handmade cards and things.... so nice....

anyway, touched touched touched....

Thank you Lynnette, Rachel, Maybelline and Samuel for the wonderful day yesterday... can't thank you guys enough...

Thank you Lynnette, Rach, Maybelline, Samuel, Kenneth, Mabel, Veron and Diyana for the wonderful presents.....

im still mourning over the loss of my pouch..... 3 lipsticks leh... one lipbalm, one lipgloss and one lipsticks... knn.... and my loreal lipgloss only use ONCE LEH ONCE!!! bloody shit...

2 more papers to go.... my exams tml morning... gotta wake up at 7 and i still online and still havent start yet... so screwed... haizZzz....

i really really cant wait for this shit to end,,,,

got rejected by all 3 schools again... but im going to try for NIE again.... i regret not choosing it in the 1st place as 1st choice.... i hope they'll at least give me the bloody chance... just one chance to go for interview?? last year they didn't even give me that one chance!!at least dont deprive me of that ONE chance?? if i dont pass the interview then ok! i admit im lousy! but nw u're not even giving me tat chance to go for an interview!!... i mean, they are recruiting every single day with their stupid advertisement and yet they are rejecting so many of us?!! wth... i want, and i WILL GO NIE.

i lost my pouch.... i dont know where i put it... i dont even know if i lost it at expo during exams..... contains all my lipsticks, mirror, favourite earring, and bracelet... and the thing is i JUZ realised it... wat the fuck... i dont even know where i left it!!! and great, tml's public holiday... how am i going to call them up and ask? the pouch is quite important to me actually... all my favourite make-up inside...and somemore got the 2 lipgloss my bf bought for me!! JUST BOUGHT SOMEMORE! HOW?!

i juz remembered wat i was going to blog.....

i was going to say my bf's at MOS nw.... how cool.... i dont know whether it's juz by chance or wat, but i realised everytime when im having exams he goes clubbing with his frens... so qiao hor...

i wanted to blog juz now... i opened the "compose" and i forgot wat i was about to blog.... good memory huh?

5 minutes later: i still cannot remember wat i was abt to blog juz now.....

i've got 3 more papers left... nxt monday and tues... and i've only 3 days left to study 2 subjects..... one of which is ECONS (sucks). the other is STATS.

i was studying STATS juz now and i found out i've got like so so so so many bloody formulas to memorise. how???? my memory is so bad.. how how how?

i think UOL just wanna kill us.... this is the FIRST time i've ever felt i really cannot make it for such a MAJOR exam u know....accounts and maths are really so damn fucking bloody knnb difficult.... the list of vulgarities is endless ok..... i mean, even when i took A levels econs, its not so bad!!! (ya, so wat if i got an E, fuck. at least i passed) now the uol exams is like!!!

i completed NONE of the questions, NONE. all did halfway and skipped did halfway and skipped... u know why?? cos its so damn BLOODY DIFFICULT AH!!! even my class's top student also said its damn difficult then it must be a goner for us already!!! wtf. wtf. wtf.

oh ya, and i saw jolly right after the paper.....miss her so much... but i was quite seh after the paper, so i didn't talk to her much... was too preoccupied with the stupid maths paper.... she cut her hair till quite short........ and she said accounts is manageable.... tat means im screwed already lah.....cos i think its damn difficult... well, at least she said maths is difficult....

really, dont blame me for my vulgarities. im really so pek cek i dont know how to release all the angst, disappointment, and everything's tat's going thru my mind now... this is the few times i really really studied quite hard for the exams... i really really studied very hard.... i mean, i didn't even study as hard for my A levels.... i swear... but, luck's not on my side..... wat to do.... this year's papers all killers.... last year's papers all so damn easy.... it's always the case, one year diff, the nxt year easy... suay suay this year difficult... F***

i juz screwed up on my accounts... screwed out big time......... i wanna cry...

eyes tired..... mind in a swirl.... body aching..... after-effects of studying studying and studying........... somehow i study so much also like no use... wtf.... i really very pek cek i cant remember anything.... really damn angry....not tat i didn't try hard enough.... i think this is one of the few times im studying so hard........ but dont think it will get me anywhere.....i wanna get at least 2nd upper honours..... but i dont think there's much hope now....

accounts can really drive me nuts..... driving me up to a wall..... im stucked..... cant breathe.... help.

i really really wonder wat made me take accounts in the first place...... accounting is only plus and minus...... but can drive ppl crazy already.... u knw how fucking pek cek u get when u cant get ur final answers??? u feel like pulling out all ur hair..... cant get means cant get.... no matter how many times u try STILL CANNOT GET... the only way out: REDO THE WHOLE DAMN QUESTION. knnccb.

lao niang wo yao fa feng le..

im such a lousy lousy lousy daughter... i nvr remembered my mum's bday.... today's her bday... i nvr celebrated her bday before.... not used to celebrating her bday..... seriously... i'll feel damn awkward....i wont even wish her happy bday..... i only knew till my little bro told me.... he cock ah... now then tell me.... no use already lor... if he told me earlier i could have bought a cake or something.... cake at least not weird wat....

is she cool or wat....... model portfolio.... bf's sis.... part-time model......

look at her belly piercing!!! so cool!! the accessory so damn nice ah....

i f*cking hate exams... hate hate hate.... ARGH.... good ah, everyone's exams ended except mine... everyone's having their 3 mths break except me... my bday's in the middle of my exams.... GREAT... just great..... PUI.

and the thing abt me is i study damn damn slowly... i can only finish one chapter a day......like WTF... so damn fucking slow ah!!!!! i dont think i can finish my accounts by nxt tues ah!! and i haven't even TOUCHED on my maths yet.... so screwed...... ACCS ON TUES, MATHS ON THURS. one day to study maths, which is wed. enuff??? NO!!!!

i studied for a very long time today.......... and my mind's still in a blur...... i cant remember ANYTHING..... i dont know why....memory damn bad....

one day at the zoo!!

hmmm did i mention? we went zoo the other day?? for free..... police welfare scheme damn good man..... we took lots of pictures..... we took many many pics of animals.....BUT we did forgot to take pics of US with the animals... STUPID.

anyway i was glad after so so so many years, i finally could relish my childhood... the last time i remembered was when i was in sec one i think....i went with my pri school mates....

we saw lotsa animals!! (like-duh) i especially like the white tiger.... soooooo nice!! there was one tiger which was especially showy and proud.... and walked to and fro and to and fro (continuously, it didn't stop) to let everyone take pictures....

there were alot of "showy" animals i must say..... so cute ah!! they know everyone's taking photos of them and they purposely pose for u to take leh!!!

this monkey was especially cute!!

we even went to the butterfly park! the last time i went to the zoo, i was quite afraid to get into the butterfly park.... cos im a little afraid of butterflies.... traumatised by a childhood experience...... i was in the kindergarden when a moth (ok, last time i tot was butterfly can? wat can u expect frm kindergarden kid? everything also butterfly) when a moth flew near my bread (during my tea-break) then, in an attempt to shake away the moth, i slapped it....... and it died..... and its powdery stuff (LOTS OF IT) all dropped onto my face, my body. and MY BREAD. i was heartbroken cos i couldnt have my lunch tat day... cos i din dare to ask the teacher for a new piece of bread.... was my favourite hotdog bread..... i starved the whole day tat day.... grieving over my poor hotdog bread......

anyway, off-topic, i was talking abt the butterfly park... i was super amazed at the nunber of butterflies there..... SO MANY MANY MANY AH!! so nice!!

there were pans like this all over the park.... all the butterflies gather there for food i think... or water..... but the amazing thing is they all gather there... and allow u to touch them!!

and one even flew onto my hand!! i was so damn excited ah.... such a nice feeling.....

can u spot the butterfly in the pic below??............. hmmmm... dont think so.... my bf's such a lousy photographer...

i really shuddered when i saw this...... cageful of huge huge cockroaches..... URGH.

mr polar bear!

i must admit i was quite unwilling to go at first... i dont really fancy the zoo..... mosquito infested, smelly and super super hot.... i was baked tat day... but the bf wanted to go wat..... and seeing his excited face...... then go lor...... but i enjoyed myself.....fun!! though it was a tat bit too hot.....

yesterday was our.... 43rd mth together..... 3 yrs 7 mths...............

ironically the day before our anniversary, we quarrelled till...... quarrelled the house down i think..... we fully made use of the empty hse to scream and shout and breathe down each other's neck..... no, i didn't resort to throwing things off the windows or throwing things AT HIM.... nearly did though.... u know sometimes u can be soooo damn bloody pissed, disappointed, anguished, burning and feel so damn in despair...u feel like juz doing things u wont usually do..... i dont know..... sometimes till the extend u think u have depression or somthing.... the feeling is so INTENSE...

anyway, we made up as usual..... and on the account that he remembered our anniversary, and said "happy 43rd anniversary baby" immediately when he woke up..... i forgive him........... AS USUAL AGAIN.... i feel so damn loserish........ argh. i do not understand why am i always the one forgiving one...why am i always giving in.... sometimes i juz feel so tired....

sometimes u juz feel like disappearing into thin air and wondering whether he'll even notice or not.... like trying so hard not to call/msg him the whole day..... but all the while knowing he'll probably not care.... and juz msg u ONCE or TWICE, "i reach home already.." tat's all... and when u dont reply, he'll probably juz say "y u dont wanna reply..." after tat no news at all frm him anymore..... he wont call... probably call once, and if u dont pick up, tat's it...

sometimes u dont dare to disappear u know, cos u're scared he really wont find u..... u dont wanna be hurt.... better be safe than sorry and juz call/msg him anyway.....

我觉得好委屈自己啊。。。。

hey guys, u all use wat chinese processors ah?? NJ star muz pay money already leh.... pui.....