hmmmmm interesting..... saw on lynn's blog she wanna have her 1st child in 8-10 yrs time.......... it got me thinking.... when do i wanna have my first child? when do i wanna get married? when do i wanna make my 1st million? hahhaha... thinking too far...

i wanna get married at 24-25........ by which my bf will already be 29-30.... (so ya ah, i wanna marry my bf can? :P) i wanna have my 1st child as soon as i get married i think... cos i wanna be a young mother... and also cos by the time im 25 we'd already be together for like... EIGHT YEARS~! which is already too long... the relationship will definitely be very very stagnant by then and a baby will either 1. give more excitement to our relationship OR 2. be a burden to our relationship. of cos, i very much prefer the former......but seriously seriously, i hate babies cos they cry too much... i'll definitely go bonkers if they keep crying........ i hate wailing toddlers in mrt..... and i hate dirty diapers... (oooh, i still rmb hw to use alliteration)...

but STILL, many many many things may happen 6 yrs down the road... no one can be definitely sure me and my bf will get married someday.... no one can even be sure we'll have children....

the only thing i know now is that i definitely love him and i know it in my GUT he loves me too. we're definitely in love.

ok ok, i know i always whine and whine that he doesn't love me enuff or i dont feel his love and all those things... but tat's only because he doesnt do things to please me and im upset.... for just tat moment... after tat it'll be back to the same old loving disposition once again...

maybe i really shouldn't have told the world im having my piano exams.... cos the world will know im going to fail.... definitely... for sure.... and i'll bet the examiner have NEVER seen such a failure like me before.... my fingers were trembling so hard i kept cutting off.... my aural is so bad i don't know wat to say.... i couldn't concentrate and i couldn't even fucking hear wat notes the examiner played.. fuck it........................ so now the whole world will know.... im confirm failing my piano exams... and the whole world will mock at me.... bet they've nvr hear someone fail piano exams before.. i dont know why im such a failure.... i can fail A levels.... appeal 10000 times also couldn't get into local uni..... after sooooooo long still can't pass my piano exams....... some ppl though they cant pass piano exams they can actually go local uni... some can pass piano exams but cant go local uni... but me? i failed both........ im bound to fail everything i do... i feel like such a fucking complete idiot. baichi. stupid. moronic. no one can feel stupider than me now. please. however stupid anyone claim themselves to be.

i just want to die. and fade off. so no one will ever remember me saying i've had my piano exams. so no one will ever ask me did i fail or pass. i dun want to see the look of disappointment in my mum's eyes again. i dun want to see the look of disappointment in my piano teacher's face. i dun want to see the look of mock in everyone's face if they know i've failed. i dont know the actual results yet. but i know it myself. its fucking obvious.

Someone save me..............................

counting down..... 3hrs 44 mins.............

and i'll be free..........

Things to do after piano exams:

1. Swim

2. Lose weight

3. play

4. PLAY

5. PLAY!

6. watch bewitched

7. read more books

8. go gym..... thinking of signing up for Amore fitness.. or is this hw u spell it?

8. lastly, and sadly, study. :P

i guess im considered fortunate ba.... to fall in love and having him love me back, though im not sure if its as much as i do.... but im sure he loves my family... and i love his family too.... he's now the pillar of strength for my little bro too... and of cos, for me...

i think its a very very very fortunate thing to have a man who loves you, as well as love your family... and having a man who knows u inside out, who knows u better than you do...im always amazed when he can predict wat im gonna say nxt or do nxt.... and he can even predict when im gonna get angry and sometimes try to do smth abt it before it happens... it was very sweet of him to come all the way to my hse to meet me on saturday and stay over to the nxt day so i can both meet him and practise my piano at my hse at the same time.. (cos normally i always go his hse over wkend, and he said he predicted that if i dun meet him overweekend i'll surely be pissed off/frustrated, and sure he was, i was abt to blow off my top)
(ok la, or maybe im too predictable lah.. hahaha...)

but of cos, there's also times when he can be so knnccb... HEH...

our 3 year anniversary is coming soon.............ok la, not-so-soon la...but i wonder wat surprises he has for me......well, at least i HOPE there'll be surprises ah...

see? such a big bike and such a small girl....

can u even tell she's a rider of the biggest bike R1??

hmm.. anyway. i'm too bored....

but she won the hair secret miss crowning glory........!!

hmmm.... the hair is abit weird...

PRETTY SIAL!!! super super pretty!

Miss Singapore World 2005, bf's sis: circled one..

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! MY BF'S SIS IS ONE OF THE FINALISTS FOR MISS WORLD 2005!! (i think finalist ah) GOSH!!! AND SHE LOOKED DAMN PRETTY AH!!!! GOSH!! HOPE SHE WINS!!

she's so prettttttyyyyy!!...

I cant believe my luck. my piano venue, is at a super duper ulu place, and that is not the worst. the room's not sound proof and the best thing is the mrt track is RIGHT behind the room. how wonderful =) u can actually hear the mrt halfway when u're playing... and the piano's superb too, yellowish, hard, piano keys. cool. when u press the note, it just goes down and doesn't come back up. wow. i've nvr seen this kinda old fucking piano before for exams. SHIT LAH.

i really pray pray pray pray hard that i will get an old old old lady with hearing problems as my examiner... i dun want old old guys... pls......... i've been having guy piano examiners for dono hw many yrs alrdy....PLEASE!! and guy piano examiners have very very good hearing! and the last thing i want is have a stupid old guy examiner to hear my wrong notes!

all my bank stuffs, letters, pin numbers are LOST. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

call me carine panic wan. piano sucks. life sucks. school sucks. my bloody flu and headache suck the most rite nw. sick. bf's enjoying himself at club momo while im down wif flu, headache, giddiness and most of all, STRESS. it's holidays nxt week (term break, cant believe one term is gone with a blink of eye...) but its nt holiday for me at all.. haizZz.......... hafta use up all of my hols to prepare for piano exams...

*sobs* These two are MY superstars............. :P judges are too biased... everyone can tell they like kelly so much more....

WAHAHA. there's a "superstar" session this sunday. guess where is it? WESTMALL!! (and the greatest part is im nt gg my bf's hse this wkend!) WAHAHA. i'll arm myself with rotten eggs, mud and flour. (oh well, doesnt matter if im armed with them, he wun be able to see. but maybe he can smell those rotten eggs?) *evil*

Congrats to the blind superstar. congrats. let's see how u're gonna sign autograph sessions, how u're gonna perform in the life concert at indoor stadium (the stadium's gonna be much bigger, u'll confirm face the wrong direction =) ) and let's hope u'll really face the wrong direction and make a fool out of urself.. cos the stadium's stage is so big and audience are allllllll around u that u dun even know which is the front... and let's hope junyang's fans will make tonnes of boo-ing sounds (i'll be one of them joining them at home) =) can't wait for tat concert. just cant wait to see u trip over wires or mike sockets on the floor... it'll be so cool.....

i'll be condemned to the 100th level of hell by being so evil. but i can't help it. i STILL can't believe junyang's out. argh.

i am so damn fucking fucking sad/disapointed over the superstar results.......... BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how can THAT GUY GET IN?!!! GOSH!! JUNYANG IS SO DAMN BLOODY GOOD LOOKING AND CUTE AND WHAT NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHhhhhhhhhh.... SHIT SHIT SHIT.... *curse and swears* maybe i should have called in to vote for him... it's really so damn bloody wasted!! wat superstar.... WHERE IS THE DAMN BLOODY SUPER STAR NOW? i dun think kelly is good also lor!!!! i think that shi xin hui better!! she can sing much better, she can improve so much more! she can communicate with the audience more!!! poor poor poor junyang..... haizZZzz............................

later held her by the waist...

chatting happily away...

got this frm mediacorptv.com candyce was pushed by quan yi feng to hug junyang...

Junyang is DAMN SHUAI and cute.... though i dun really think his vocals are THAT good lah... ok only lah... i was glad derrick's out... somehow i dun like him... too act cute already la.... and i actually hate kelly.. dun know why... think she's at her plateau ba...dun think she can improve anymore..

and regarding's junyang's rumoured "gf" candyce..... hmmmmm... i think they super not compatible... and i think candyce is quite ugly... i mean, if she can publicly announce abt her bf, then publicly announce that she and her bf has broken up... and then suddenly have another rumoured bf.... then i dun think she's as sweet as she seems lah...... but think the rumours is quite true.....

worst day of my life: 17/8/05 around 12-2 am........

i dun think i've ever felt so hurt before, ever.

i once saw love in ur eyes,

but now, i only see frustration.

i once saw affection in ur actions,

but now, i only feel coldness.

i once dreamt of us being happily married together,

but now, i only see myself in the picture, u're drifting out of the frame.

guys who use vulgarities on girls, GIRLS, LADIES, WOMEN, do not deserve to be loved by anyone. They are bloody fuckers, bastards, egoistic arrogant son of a bitch. MOTHER FUCKERS! CHEEBYE KIA! THEY CAN FUCKING HELL GO AND DIE AND FUCK THEIR MOTHERS' ARSE! AND PETTY GUYS CAN GO TO HELL TOO!! LANJIAO LANG!! FUCKED UP FUCKED UP FUCKED UP FUCKED UP!!!!!!!! THEY DUN EVEN DESERVE TO BE CALLED GUYS!!!THEY CALL THEMSELVES GENTLEMEN AND THEY ACT LIKE GUNIANGS!! ANY GUYS WHO USE(D) VULGARITIES ON ME WILL FUCKING GO TO HELL, WONT GET MARRIED, EVEN IF GET MARRIED WONT EVER HAVE A SON, BE MADE A CUCKOO, BE STRUCK BY LIGHTNING OR ANYTHING BAD WILL BEFALL ON HIM FOR EVER AND EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the above mentioned is purely based on if the guy used vulgarities on me, and he MEANS IT. joking kind will be spared of this fucking curse.

I wish i have double eye-lids.. i wish i have a thinner waist line... i wish i have a smaller butt.. i wish im not so fat... i wish i have thinner upper arms.... i wish i dun have double chin.. i wish i dun have such a ba-ba face.... i wish my eyebrows dun droop downwards... i wish i have nice silky hair... i wish i have bigger eyes...............................................

well... i guess i still wun be contented if all of these wishes are granted... nobody will ever be contented with what they have...... so...... i guess it's back to the same old fugly me...... =)

Cant believe my piano exams is actually nxt friday... i think im so freaking out... i havent been practicing and i think my piano pieces suck... and i cant remember my scales.. and i dun think i can even remember a single shit for piano appreciation part... DIE AH!!!!!! ARGHhhhhhhhhhh!! feel like screaming the whole hse down...

hmmm... another topic to talk abt.... "Being too dependent on our BFs"

Do you think u're too dependent on ur bf? or should i say OVER-dependent instead?... i think i am.... i am super duper dependent on my bf..... i rely on him too much.... sometimes i'd even need him to remind me to eat my lunch... (ps: i dont need reminder to eat my dinner, cos somehow, i'll ALWAYS eat dinner)...most importantly. i rely too much on him for company.... cos i dun really have much frens... i've since lost touch with many many many many frens... and the only pillar of strength is my hubby... ONE and ONLY...

he's my listening post, he's a fren, he's a company, he's my secretary (cos i can be such a blur at times), he's my bag carrier, he's my gossiper, he's my personal cook, he's my personal maid (hahahha.. kidding la..sometimes only la)...he's the only person i can get angry with (other than my family ah), he's the only person who'd seen me cry, whine, scream and even excited (PS: im someone with little or no emotions, or at least, i wun really show my emotions even though i might be feeling super super sad/happy/excited).... he's the only person whom i can msg at least once or twice a day..(cos i can be really bored at times and wun know wat to do, then just msg him lor)..... but of cos, he's the only one whom i simply CANNOT SHOP WITH.... other than that... he's always at my beck and call... heh heh heh... and he's the only one who can make me cry and scream or even wanna pull the hair off my head.. he's the only one who can make me soooooooooo damn frustrated till i can just throw my phone a zillion times (which i did)...

last but not least, he's just THE one.

not to forget those times when we danced dono what dance during pe... me and lynn partnered together... and we always nearly fall over each other whenever we danced... we'll always turn when we're not supposed to turn.. or turn in the wrong direction.... and we'll actually always ogle at shai for dancing so well... yes, ogle... shai looks sexy when he's dancing.. but shai is too skinny for us lah.... hahahhahaha... and i love those days during PE when A2 will purposely run so damn freaking slowly when the other classes chao enthu wanna chiong.... all 8 of us girls (me, lynn, may, rach, wani, diyana, maybel, ron... did i miss anyone out?) will just lag way way way way way behind and we'll ALWAYS be the last to finish our runs... haizZZzzZZZZzz......................... those were really the days.......

there was a sudden overwhelming feeling of lostformness, out of the blue.. yesterday when i was on the bus home from school... i suddenly missed 03A2 soooooooo much.. that i msged lynn suddenly.. din know why but i just wanted to let it out.. but i din know how to start.. or from where.. dont know how to explain those kinda feeling.. suddenly realised i din cherish those times in jj when i was actually in jj... and i can only regret now for not studying hard enuff, for not going school enuff.. now that im all alone in a stupid F up school system.. i feel alone somehow, though i have frens.. ppl say we cant meet "real" frens when we are in jc... but it really depends on ur luck..

i was lucky to meet my class... miss all those ppl in our class who brought so much fun and laughter during tutorials, and even lectures (when we will talked and giggled to ourselves, when farhan and kept patting my shoulders to trick me).. i miss the girls, lynn, rach, may, ron, wani, maybel, diyana.. i miss the boys.. sam, farhan, kenneth, tong, fabien, james, shai........... i miss those times when more than 3/4 of the class ponteng to eat breakfast at mac.... when me, lynn and may will meet each other accidentally at mac (we never yue hao! we just somehow ended up at mac together! but nobody believed we never bakat) and poor rach had to attend lecture alone.. hahha..... still remembered there was one time when me and lynn ran from econs extra lesson halfway when mr ng left the lecture hall to get something, and we suay suay met him somewhere near the general office... still rmbed what kinda lame excuses we gave.. still remembered i always lied to miss lum....... still remembered how the guys teased miss lum during her tutorials (lum plum).. still remembered how my bf's handphone was one of the most "popular" item in sch cos i remembered lending ppl i dont know to play the "mosquito game".. and i also remembered the day when the WHOLE WORLD (yes, even those i dont know) came to tell me the mosquito game got virus and warned me to delete it asap.... hahhahahaha.... it was such a farny day....miss maths lesson when me, annie, sam and gary will just keep talking and talking and talking in class...

i even miss jj principal man... hahhahah... cos it always bring such great satisfaction to walk past the principal with ur shirt tucked out and not get caught.... oh yah... and i miss those days when i can dont wear my stupid school badge and dun get caught... not to forget, walking in to school via the BP station entrance to the locker with a BP egg sandwich was my trademark... apple tea was also my trademark... i super super miss the beehoon from our canteen....

whatever, cant believe i miss jj. cos i nvr tot studying in uni will be so much more suckier.

hmmm.... mixed feelings towards National Day... National Day ALWAYS reminds me of those times when we performed at National Day..... so coooll.. those were my first time watching fireworks and just swaying along with my frens.. but those were days that reaped me of my Saturdays and sometimes even weekdays to march under the scorching sun... thinking back.. it was really really tough.. carrying my stupid tuba and marching around... we even had to make-up.. i remembered i'd always tell my make-up artist i want something LIGHT... and they'd give me LIGHT BLUE instead of BROWN (which i wanted) or something nude... (cos i din know much abt make-up then, i thought brown is considered light make-up, din know the term NUDE makeup.. :P) and i always remembered that my juniors alwaysssssss wanted to get those army guys' hp numbers.... and most of my juniors had crushes on those army guys.. hahhaha.. so farny...typical sec school girls... wat to do..all of them would gather around and giggle giggle and point point at those army guys... (we had army guys in our school to help us with refreshments, bus number cards and to lead the way to the stadium.. they'd always practice with us in school, not those army guys in national stadium lah..but they are sign-on army guys though) so fun..

watching the live ndp made me quite "high" too.. even though i wasn't there.. cos of my stupid lil bro ah... kept screaming and screaming and running around... and both of us were waiting for those fighter planes to fly past our estate... heh.. then when we saw 6 of them we were so excited..my bro even waved his small little national flag at them..hahhaha... felt like way way way back then when i was just a little kid... i'd wait by my window for those planes too... but i never saw them.. just heard the louddddddd sound...and very very surprisingly... we heard the loud bangs of fireworks.. (i reckon they came frm the celebration at jurong east la).. but we were disappointed that we could only hear, but not see those fireworks.. :P

HaPpPy BiRtHdAy SiNgApOrE!!!

my piano exams is at the weirdest place and weirdest time ever... it's at some super duper ulu place called lengkok bahru at redhill... in a stupid community centre.. and the time... weirdest of all.. at 4.24pm... where got ppl put exams at such a weird timing one??????? 24 leh.. not 25 leh.. i've heard from my teacher that her other student got 2.13 pm.. wah lao eh... so weird sia... the time must be so junz one meh?.. last time my exams was at taka in town leh... so shuangz.. go there so convenient... knn... now at LENGKOK BAHRU... ARGH... and those stupid angmohs ALWAYS had to lower the air conditioning till so damn frigging low till our fingers will cramp those kind... no wonder so many ppl fail.. i got this very very very bad feeling i'll flunk... die die die...

To love is nothing, to be loved is something... to love and be loved is everything...... or issit really?

To the right is my definition of love... (P.S I took quite alot of time drawing that stupid curve.) To me, I think love and happiness will seriously drop drastically with time.... the PEAK of love is when a couple have been together for a very short period of time....when the couple still goes out together, hold hands, hug each other, kiss each other, tell each other how much he/she love each other. and the girl/boy will go to the extend of getting their partners anything that will make them happy even if it means being dead poor for a week... as time goes by.. maybe when u're in the 2nd or third year of the relationship, u'll start to speak to each other lesser and lesser.. ppl might say that its good, cos both of u understand each other too well that u wont even need to speak to know each others' needs.. but only both of u know too well that u're not speaking to each other anymore cos u just dont know what to say anymore.. cos there's no topic u guys haven talked abt anymore...and from the 4th yr onwards... both of u wont even speak a single word without sparking off an argument...

but of cos... there's always the chance for your relationship to turn for the better when u guys get married..

maybe i should really draw the graph drop steeper... nope, i din draw wrongly.... as time goes by... u'll really reach a point when there wont be ANY love anymore between both of you.... and the only thing that will keep this relationship going will only be ur children (if u're married)... some wont even stay together just for their children.. they'll just divorce..

but of cos... there are some incidents when there might be a turn for the better in a relationship after they get married, though only for a short period of time... the relationship will also soon deteroriate to such a state whereby there's nothing anyone can do to save it... couples will scream at each other anytime and anywhere.. they wont even bother how ppl will look at them outside anymore... ladies will soon turn into fat (big tummies from the results of having children), grouchy old women.. frowning at every single thing... guys will soon turn into nasty old lecher of a men.. bioing every single young lady he can see on the streets... with a big pork belly... walking way way infront of their wives and children.. making them struggle to catch up... (sometimes u wonder how they can walk so fast with their big pork bellies)..

I AM SERIOUS, dont tell me ur dad doesnt do that?? well, my dad do. maybe some lucky families will not have this kinda situation. but mine is, and i've seen many many other families like tat too...

in any case... i pray pray pray pray hard, cross my fingers and toes that my own relationshop wun turn out this way.. i really really hope me and my bf will be like those old old white haired couples who will still hold hands while strolling the park.. awwww..... so nicee...

many many ppl have the misconception that skinny (aka no breasts and no butt) = good figure.... or big breasts + flat butt = good figure, or... small breasts + perky butt = good figure...or big breasts + big butt + equally big fat waist = good figure.... no no no...... they are all wrong... please la.....the real definition of a good figure = average breasts + curvy waist (not necessarily small small waist ok!) + perky butts..

i seriously hate it when those skinny skinny ppl flaunt their "figure" and wear body hugging clothes and walk in such a way as if their small, flat butts will swing off their equally small, flat-till-can-see-rib-cage waists. ArGh. and these ppl will always walk with eyes sticking on their foreheads, looking down on no figure ppl like me, when in actual fact, THEY themselves dont have the figure too. knn. ke wu.

for your info, i belong to this category: average breasts + fat fat fat but not perky butt + tree trunk of a waist = NO FIGURE

I cant stop the habit of peeling skins off my toes... knn.. bad habit..

hmmm.. been MIA for a very very long time already... wonder how's everyone... school should have started for them already i guess.. and the time for them to blog will definitely be shorter... and i'll drift further and further away from u guys... haizZzz...

The stress is killing me. i'm so stressed up i think my blood veins will burst. STUPID FUCKING PIANO EXAMS!! WHY THE FUCK WAS I SO BLOODY LAZY IN THE PAST AND I HAVE TO CHIONG LIKE A MAD COW NOW!! KNN!... I had to ponteng maths lesson today cos my piano lesson had to be postponed by my teacher, yet again! and i have to ponteng ANOTHER banking and finance lesson next thurs cos i've got YET ANOTHER piano lesson! i mean, i've got like 2 piano lessons a week. im going to be sooooooooooo dead.

simply can't wait for september.

and of cos... HAPPY BDAY RACHEL!!! HAPPY 19TH!! IM SO SORRY I CANT JOIN U GUYS TODAY!! HOPE U GUYS HAVE LOTS OF FUN THOUGH!

What is wrong with the world.... i mean, literally, the WORLD.. Why must she always be filled with diseases, disasters, plagues, man-made disasters and what not? why cant we even have ONE DAY, JUST ONE DAY of peace? I know it sound so cliche, but that's the fact, we need peace. surveys have shown that young ppl nowadays want peace more than anything else.. maybe the world is really coming to an end.. but seriously.. i'd rather we die of natural disasters than die of man-made disasters i.e terrorism ... cos it's just so bo hua... why shud we die in the hands of our own kind of species?

on a much lighter note, i need a new jacket... i know i've been hogging on and on and on about getting an adidas jacket...(my wish list has been there for ages, still haven cleared any on my list yet) but i still havent got enuff money to get it.... YET..

Lousy weather + Lousy mood = dun feel like going school...

cos i havent done my homework!! and i dun think i can finish it anytime soon.. im in for trouble cos it's econs... sianz... bloody stupid weather...why must it rain just when im about to get out of my bloody house to head for somewhere else to do my homework? now im stucked at home to struggle with my Hicks and Slutsky diagrams.. damn... ARGH...