piano exam is tml...and yet i have to cope with bloody family problems today... sometimes i juz hate the older brother.... he is so dman fucking disrespectful.... being an elder to my younger bro he shud bloody give in right?! he shouts at the whole family for touching his things, shouts at everyone who gets in his way, shouts at my baby bro for touching his things when he just takes OUR THINGS without telling us, sometimes not even returning to us... he repeatedly pointed at my little bro, pointed right on his forehead at gun point, threatening him and screaming at him to not to touch his things... hey PLEASE!!! he's 7 years old for god's sake!! do you know watever u shout at him, watever u do to him, he'll get a traumatic experience for life!!!!! he might even turn out to be a problematic child when he grows older!! it'll haunt him forever! have u spared a thought for US? for our baby bro who's so lonely and poor thing?! pointing and shouting at him at gun point??? WHAT THE FUCK?

and I GODDAM HATE PPL WHO THROWS MONEY! and especially unfillial son who throws money right on my mum's face! this is the second time i've seen him throwing money at my mum's face! FUCK! the money u're throwing isn't even fucking yours! throwing money is so utterly disrespectful to the person, and to the money. YES, TO THE MONEY. hey do u knw if u always throw money, nxt time u'll surely find it a billion times harder to earn those money back.

whenever any of my family members quarrel i usually dont give a damn, dont care.... i only interfere when things get out of hand or when i am CERTAIN u are the one in the wrong. i only side those who's right, only side those who are getting bullied by someone with a big fat ego. stop being so selfish and start acting like a brother. not a bully.

why are u so gei gao? why cant u be more generous?! have I ever said anything when i ALWAYS find MY stuff in YOUR room? i've always been tolerating to you! cant u be tolerating to us?! WE'VE always been tolerating to you! watever u do/take from us have we ever asked u to pay us back? NO! please, we're a family. stop acting like that. u are old enough to think for us, and for yourself. our mum might be very naggy at times, i know, EXTREMELY naggy, but she's our mum. she's our MUM. i've never even hated her for showing favouritsm to you since young. u've always been so pampered, u'd always get what u wanted. i always had to give in to u too in the past. now i have to give in to BOTH of u, have i ever said anything? now as an elder u shud give in to the younger one too shouldn't u?

i have to stand all this when my piano exams is TML. GREAT. good luck to me.

i hope he sees my blog.

attended a friend's ROM that day..... caught everyone by surprise.... he didn't tell us abt it till the very very very last minute... on the day itself... (ROM at 4, he told us at abt 11).... wth.... we were all surprised cos he's only 25! and he juz got attached to his gf (now fiance) for like at most a year? we all thought he did it on impulse... or maybe even shotgun.... but i dont think so.... maybe it's because his fiance is a Vietnamese and it's not easy for her to get PR.... well... anyway...... really have to thank lynn for my last minute i-dont-know-wat-to-wear-for-the-rom crisis....... she rushed all the way down to clementi to lend me her skirt..... in the end i didnt get to wear the skirt... cos they later called to tell us wear smart CASUAL..... ta ma de.... they said they juz wearing normal shirt...... one guy even wore t-shirt.... o_O in the end settled for tube top.... and guess wat those guys said???! "u rom or they rom".... i cannot stand guys who dono hw to present themselves well for the right occasion.... even my bf had the decency to wear long sleeve shirt when he always wear so slack.....

im really glad for friends who are always there for me whenever i need them...

STRESSED UP.

so so so bored and tired...... piano exams is next tuesday..... please please please let me pass...... i want to pass........ i dont wanna fail again... PLEASE... im so scared that i'll screw up again... so scared my fingers will juz freeze once i go into the freeEEZZZzzzing room.... so scared my fingers wont listen to me.... argh! i dont want to juz pass, i want to get a bloody merit.... cos the rest of my teacher's pupils all got MERIT..... fuck man..... they can get 29/30 for their pieces and afford to fail their scales and sight reading and STILL GET MERIT....gosh...

i've been very hardworking......i think........ haizz..... pray for me...

i feel damn fucking pissed, du lan, tortured now. fucking angry. u dont know how fucking ANGRY i am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate myself for tolerating u always, always always!!!!! always tolerating ur nonsense! ur attitude!! tolerating when u ignore me!!! tolerating when u throw ur fucking pointless tantrums!!!!!! relationship isn't always about tolerating! it's more about caring for each other!! it's more about understanding each other, understanding what each other do!! UNDERSTANDING!! GET IT?!

YOU ALWAYS DISALLOW ME TO FUCKING DRINK!!! I UNDERSTAND!! BECAUSE U CARE FOR ME!! BUT THERE ARE FUCKING TIMES/INSTANCES WHEN I HAVE TO DRINK BECAUSE IT'S MY FREN'S BDAY!! BUT U CANT UNDERSTAND THAT! FINE! I UNDERSTAND WHEN U TOLD ME U'RE STRESSED UP, U ARE JUST GOING TO TAKE SOME PUFFS, JUST SOME PUFFS WILL DO. AND I ALLOWED U, WITHOUT THROWING ANY TANTRUMS, WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING!!! BUT U GOT WORST!! U WENT ON SMOKING STICKS BY STICKS AND FINALLY U HAD TO BRING ONE PACKET HOME!!! FUCK YOU!

I'VE BEEN TOLERATING U THE WHOLE OF TODAY. U WENT OUT AT 1 PLUS TILL NOW. 10HRS PLUS OUTSIDE, YET U ONLY MSGED ME TWICE. 2 TIMES. 2 BLOODY TIMES. 10HRS WITH ONLY 2 MSG. NVM. HEY, I DIDN'T DISTURB U FOR THE 10HRS. I TRIED NOT TO CALL U, I TRIED NOT TO MSG U. BUT WHEN U FINALLY TOLD ME U GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE AGAIN, I HAD TO ASK U WHERE AND WHO U GOING RIGHT?! U MEAN I CANT EVEN DO THAT? U MEAN I HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO GET ANGRY THAT U NVR EVEN INTENDED TO MSG OR CALL ME??? AND U HUNG UP ON ME. JUST LIKE THAT. THINKING THAT U HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. AND U SWITCHED OFF UR PHONE. NOW IM LEFT AT HOME. WHEN U AND MY FRENS ARE OUTSIDE. WHEN LYNN AND MAY ARE HAVING FUN. BUT IM AT HOME. I FEEL SO TORTURED. I REALLY FEEL SO TORTURED BY U.

4 YEARS OF TOLERATING. DO U THINK I CAN TOLERATE ANY FURTHER? I WANT TO GET DRUNK. I WILL GET DRUNK SOMEDAY. DRINK AWAY ALL MY SORROWS, PAIN, GRIEVE, BITTERNESS, ANGER IN ME.

hmmmmm..... everyone's been trying to jio me out these days.... but i've rejected all of them..... really really really apologetic and sorry about that...... cos for one thing, im damn fucking broke. for another thing, im damn bloody stressed up over my piano exams (cos i dont wanna fail another fucking time), i have to be at home to practice every single day. and i've got piano lessons twice a wk (at least). *pulls hair*

haizZZZZzzz....................... *sigh sigh sigh* i wana die...........

really sorry girls......... can't make it everytime u all jio me out......... sorry..... i'll be free from september onwards..... somehow always so suay, when i free u all not free, when i not free u all free......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE.

yet another boring day for me...........since im dead broke.... i've gotta camp at home..... and that sucks..... which means i have no choice but to practice piano...... I HAVE TO PRACTICE PIANO.... I CANNOT PROCRASTINATE ANYMORE!!!! argh..... pissed off at my life....... no money, no life, no bf today. bf's at the stadium now.......

there were many a times in this 4 years of relationship when i'd wanted to give up......... to ditch him and move on with my life...... but i didn't have the courage, nor do i really want to end it...... there were many ups and downs but i didn't give up......but sometimes it's so tough to be the only one giving in, to be the only person to give and give and give without getting anything in return..... I KNOW!! i shouldn't want my love to be returned, for love should be unconditional..... blah blah blah bullshit... FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! love SHOULD be returned! u should get back what u put in, if not that's not called love anymore!!! it's just ur one-sidedness!

im going to give up soon, if he still doesn't wanna do anything.... i really dont know what i should do now... i've done all that i should do.... its up to you now...

you dont know how much i love you, or maybe you know it too well, that's why u are taking full advantage of it. i wont let you do that anymore. im like a bottle of champagne ready to pop open anytime. stop shaking me anymore. or i'll really go pop, and hit u on ur head.

how can one hate and love so much at the same fucking time. now i know why sometimes intense love can fester overnight to intense hate. bitterness festered, and grew.

had alot of fun last friday celebrating Rach's 20th birthday..... finally, she's 20..... hehe...

photos are here: http://carinez1.multiply.com/photos/album/36

went for some photo taking sessions after dinner... and really managed to digest quite alot..... hahah since we walked and walked and walked....... then headed to may's hse for some drinks.... and as usual..... slacked there till early morn....... heh.....

cant wait to go out and have fun later..... cant wait cant wait........... im supposed to have cold war with him today.... im not supposed to msg him today...... i must remember not to msg him...... i must remember...

when u live in a family like that... u wont feel like having one of ur own.... i feel so sick of this family.... i hate myself for being so bad tempered to my family members.. but i cant help it... i feel so so sorry for my little bro.... he gets every single shits from all of us... everyone turn their backs against him... thinks that he's irritating.... slams the door on his face and locks it.... and he's left outside in the living room... watching his cartoons... living in his own world... occasionally knocking on our doors.. hoping we will let him in to play.....when we dont respond, he walks off... feeling dejected..... but he tries over and over again... till my other brother screams at him for being so irritating.... he runs to his room to cry...... my mum will start screaming at this moment.... asking why cant the older brother give in to the younger one.... why must we lock him away..... and then my mum starts shouting at my little brother for disturbing us.......

im sorry, im really sorry. im sorry that whenever i quarrel with ur 'chengyong gor gor' i'll vent it all on you... im really sorry... im sorry you were born in this family..... im sorry i treat u like that..... i will love you more i promise...

stop asking me whats wrong with me..... i cant, and wont explain.. what u see from this blog is what u'll get.....

had a great day yesterday....... went out with vel, and as usual.... couldn't stop talking...... went to the HK cafe at Cineleisure..... and the food there is very nice!! we caught a movie, took some neo prints, and even had time for a little shopping and chatting at starbucks....hahah considered a day well spent... it's been a very long time since i took neo prints....but some of the neoprints didn't turn out very nice..... (i mean, i didn't turn out nice hehehe) both of us brought cameras but we didn't use them... hahha i dont know why.....

i am really really really broke these days......... haizZZz.....

i must remember to msg my bf at 1.23am later........ i almost forgot.... he reminded me.... im touched.....

Happy 46th Month Anniversary to my beloved hubby..... *muackz*