OH MY GOD!! IT'S REALLY OVER!!! i'm entering a new phase of life.. a little apprehensive.. but i welcome it.. i like the freedom i'll get.. no restrictions to uniforms, hairstyles or wat shits... but i dont feel like changing my image.. but i know i have to cos i look like shit.. tml i'm gonna cut my hair.. hopefully it looks good... really pray and hope.. i hate hairstylists!!!..

and i need to go to a dentist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the hole in my gum is really getting bigger and bigger.. my goodness.. things get stucked there very very easily.. as gross as it sounds...

ya.. and i badly need the da vinci code and sims2. badly. i'll be damn bored. it's gonna be another one week before my bf can fully come out and dun need to stay in. but he still got to serve NS and work from 8-5. scared. now stay in already quarrel so much. then nvr stay in how. quarrel more? or lesser? i really pray for the latter.

oh my god.. i can't believe it.. it's gonna be over soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!

tomorrow's gonna really be utopia for me.. my goodness.. i'm gonna go work.. it's another new phase of life.. till the results.. :P really can't wait.. can't wait!

Things to buy after A levels:

1. The Da Vinci Code (and shit, it's out of stock!!!) ARGH

2. SIMS2!!!!

3. Plenty of clothes

4. Shoes

5. Handbags! (seriously it's time for some handbags instead of backpacks/slingbags all the time)

6. make ups? (skeptical.. but maybe for prom)

7. 'young and dangerous' part 3

Things to do after As:

1. read the book of course

2. play the game of course

3. go out and have plenty of fun with my bf. (yes, i've forgiven him. sadly.)

4. not forgetting to go out with girl-frens

5. watch 'young and dangerous' part 1 and 2 vcd i bought long ago

I JUST CANT WAIT FOR THIS SHIT TO END!!!!

'yesterday how to look at girls, so little people!'

eh seriously, if i believe that nonsense i'm a piece of shit. fucker.

yesterday was a friday night. if i believe there was very very few people there. seriously, i will be the most naive person on earth.

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I THINK ABOUT ALL THE FUCKING RESPONSIBILITIES WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN!!! HE WENT OUT PUBBING WITH HIS FRENS AND I DIN EVEN KNOW TILL NOW!! HE DIN EVEN MSG ME WHEN HE REACHED HOME YESTERDAY LIKE HE ALWAYS DID!! HE DIN EVEN TELL ME WHO HE WENT OUT WITH! AND WHERE HE WENT!!!! AND TO THINK I ALWAYS MSG HIM WHENEVER I CAN TELLING HIM WHAT I'M DOING NOW WHO I'M GOING OUT WITH TELLING HIM THAT I WENT ANOTHER PLACE ALREADY! FUCK ALL THOSE RESPONSIBILITIES!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

I JUST KNEW HE WENT PUBBING THIS MORNING!! I DIN EVEN KNOW THAT HE'S AT HOME ALREADY!! TO THINK I WAS SO TIRED YESTERDAY AND STILL WAITED AND WAITED FOR HIS MSGS STILL WAITED FOR HIS CALLS!! LYNN! BE MY PROVE!! U KNOW I WAS SO FUCKING TIRED YESTERDAY NIGHT AND YET I WAS ONLINE WAITING FOR HIS MSGS AND CALLS!!

I ALWAYS TOLD LYNN MY BF WILL MSG ME WHEN HE REACH HOME, AND TELL ME WHERE IS HE GOING, JUST TAT WHEN HE CHANGE PLACE HE WONT TELL ME. BUT NOW I THINK I WAS SO WRONG. HE WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING ALREADY.

TO THINK I DOWNRIGHT REJECTED LYNN'S OFFER. ALL I WAS THINKING WERE ALL MY RESPONSIBILITES, TAT I CANNOT GO THOSE KIND OF PLACES, COS MY BF DON'T LIKE IT, COS HE DON'T LIKE ME TO DRINK. I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE DID IT COS HE CARED FOR ME, TAT IT'S FOR MY OWN GOOD. BUT NOW, THINKING BACK, SINCE WHEN HAD HE CONSTRAINED HIMSELF FROM SMOKING WHENEVER I TOLD HIM TO QUIT? WHY SHOULD I ALWAYS BEAR THOSE RESPONSIBILITIES WHEN HE HIMSELF DON'T GIVE A DAMN?

LYNN! I WANT TO GO ZOUKOUT!! I WON'T REJECT YOU ANYMORE!!

i think my lit is going to fail big time.. All my lit papers were all in the afternoon after another paper.. except paper 4.. everytime when i was doing my lit i will always feel so drowsy and feel like sleeping.. so screwed.. i think i screwed othello and paper8 big time.. how.. i screwed up 2 of my questions in econs.. i screwed up one part of my essay for human geog.. i think i screwed up gp cos i slept at 2 the day before gp... AND MY MATHS!!! MY GOD!! IF I FAIL MATHS I'LL BE LIKE TAKING MATHS FOR 4YEARS AND STILL FAILING IT!!! SO DIU LIAN!!!!!!

CONCLUSION: get triple Es. can't even get into NIE --> retake --> get triple As!!!!!! my goodness.. i'm crossing my fingers damn hard..

i swear if i have to retake i will definitely put in more effort... i think...

i regret not studying hard enough.. really regret so much......haizz... why was i happily always quarrelling with my boyfriend just a few days before exams then totally affect my mood to study?

why did i even start quarrelling in the first place? why din i stop them?

anyway.. shutter was scary... must thank lynn for making it even scarier.. :P

I have so much angst in me that i don't know how to show them!! i feel like punching the whole world! Why the fuck did i even go his hse in the first place and din study for the past 2 days all cos of him! FUCK!!! WHy the fuck did i do that for! my A LEVELS is at risk here! not O LEVELS not any stupid fucking prelims or mid year exams!! I STUDIED SO MUCH HARDER FOR MY MID YEAR THAN THIS FUCKING A LEVELS SHIT! I SWEAR ON MY DEAD BODY I DIN STUDY AT ALL FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS AND I GET THIS FEELING THAT I'M NOT GOING TO STUDY FOR TODAY TOO!!! AND I'VE GOT 4 PAPERS NEXT WEEK WAT THE FUCK!!! ALL THE FUCKS MUST ALWAYS COME AT THE WRONG TIMINGS!!! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG!!!! SERIOUSLY I DON'T DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM! I HATE THE WORLD!!! FUCK IT! SCREW IT!

How many nights have I been losing sleep already... countless... how many nights had he left me tortured... countless... I feel tortured by the world...


What if one day I just left him... will he feel guilty for treating me like that?


Why had he changed so much? He used to write me cards and small msgs to encourage me for my O levels... he used to do cute things like giving me small presents... he used to suddenly give me a quick peck on my face in the lift.. Nowadays when we're in the lift... we just stand on each side of the lift... staring and staring as the storeys ascend... without even saying a word... he used to msg me 'jiayou'... he used to ask if I were sleeping or studying... he used to call a lot instead of msging.. He used to try bringing me to new places... he used to call me baby every time he had the chance to... he used to always reply my msgs and never misses my calls.. Even when he misses my calls he would have called back, and not just msged back... why has everything changed so much in just a span of 2yrs? What will it be like in the future? I can't bear to think...


He always does things to me and think lightly of them... he always does things to me and just say sorry afterwards... but yet doing them every other time and repeating them... he always shouts at me and say sorry after tat... but shouts at me again after tat... he used to promise me lots of things... he promised to quit smoking.. He promised to call me back even if I cup his calls... he promised tat he will always go after me even if I was the one who walked off first.. But he never kept to his promises... at all...


He promised to reply long msgs to me... his msgs were never long... compared to mine... I always msged 5 msgs at a time... yet he replied was always ' ya la ya la'. how fucked up can he get?

PLEASE!! I'M NOT AN OFFICIAL CHU QI TONG!! I'M NOT AN OFFICIAL 'VENTING' MACHINE!! WHY MUST EVERYONE SCOLD ME SCREW ME UPSIDE DOWN AND MAKE USE OF ME WHENEVER THEY'RE UPSET!! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!!!!!!! WAT THE FUCK DID I DID WRONG!!! JUST STOP DOING THAT TO ME ALL THE TIME!!! I HATE IT TO THE CORE ALTHOUGH I DON'T SHOW IT!!! JUST STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO SCREAM AT ME TO VENT ALL UR ANGERS ON ME WHEN U'RE 'SICK AND TIRED', OR WHEN U'RE HAVING 'PMS', OR JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE UPSET WITH YOUR 'RESULTS' OR WAT NOT!!! EVERYONE ALWAYS HAVE DIFFERENT REASONS FOR VENTING THEIR ANGERS ON ME! AND WAT'S WORST! THEY DON'T EVEN SAY SORRY AFTER MAKING USE OF ME AS THEIR OFFICIAL VENTING MACHINE!! THEY DON'T EVEN THINK THEY WERE WRONG TO DO THAT!!! TO FUCK WITH ALL THOSE ATTITUDES I HAD TO PUT UP WITH ALL MY LIFE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! ALL THESE NONSENSE HAD MOULDED ME INTO SOMEONE WHO IS SO SUPER SENSITIVE, SO PYSCHOLOGICALLY WEAK, AND SUCH A THIN-SKINNED PERSON!! MADE ME INTO SUCH A WEAKLING THAT I DESPISE MYSELF!!! AND THE WORST IS!! I'M ALWAYS THE ONE GIVING IN TO ALL THESE NONSENSE EVEN THOUGH ALL I DID WAS TO ACCIDENTALLY STRAY INTO THEIR PATHS WHEN THEY HAD THEIR PMSES!! WHAT THE FUCK!

'FROM NOW ON U DONT NEED TO CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS ANYMORE SINCE I'M SO FUCKED UP! YOU DON'T NEED TO CARE ABT MY FUCKING FEELINGS WAT! YOU CAN DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT FROM NOW ON AND I WON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!!! SINCE I'M ALREADY SO LAN TO YOU!'

'FUCK LAH!'

'ANYTHING LA ANYTHING LA ANYTHING LA!!!!!'

'YA LA YA LA U'RE ALWAYS THE PATHETIC GIRLFREN LA!!!!!'

'I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOU LA!! I'M SO LAN THEN GO FIND ANOTHER BF AH!!!!'

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY THE FUCK MUST HE ALWAYS DO THAT TO ME!!! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!!

HE DIN EVEN SAY GOOD LUCK TO ME AFTER 2 EXAMS!!!! AND I MSGED HIM THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF BLESSINGS FOR HIS EXAMS! I GAVE HIM SO MANY GODO LUCK WISHES ON THE PHONE!! YET I HAD NONE FROM HIM!! FROM THE SUPPSOSEDLY CLOSEST PERSON TO ME!!! AM I EVEN HIS FUCKING GF?

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO PIN POINT HIS FAULTS COS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SALVAGE OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE DOING ALL THE THINGS FOR HIM AND GETTING NOTHING BACK IN RETURN!! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE PICKING UP THE BITS AND PIECES OF FLAWS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND TRYING TO MEND EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM!!

IS IT MY FAULT THAT HE'S ALWAYS 'SICK AND TIRED'???? DID HE HAD TO VENT IT ALL ON ME JUST BEFORE MY EXAMS?! HE DID IT NOT ONLY ONCE, BUT TWICE!! JUST BECAUSE HE WAS 'SICK AND TIRED'!!! 2 WEEKS 2 EXAMS ON 2 TOTALLY DIFFERENT DAYS AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED!!

HE BLOODY SHOUTED AT ME OVER THE PHONE!! WHEN HE WAS THE ONE WHO DIN MSG DIN CALL DIN REPLY ME!!!! I WAS THE ONE WHO CALLED HIM! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO MSGED HIM! BUT WHY MUST HE ALWAYS TREAT ME LIKE FUCK!! WHY DID HE HAD TO SCREAM AT ME! WHY! DID I REALLY DESERVE THOSE KIND OF TREATMENTS FROM HIM!

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE TRYING TO SALVAGE EVERYTHING WHEN ALL HE DOES IS SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP AND SLEEP!!!! AND IGNORE ALL MY BLOODY MSGS AND CALLS! WHY DID HE HAD TO SCREAM AT ME. WHY. SOMEONE TELL ME. I'M SICK OF IT. I'M SICK OF HIS APATHETICNESS TOWARDS ME. I'M SICK OF ALWAYS BEING THE ONE WHO TRIES TO SALVAGE EVERYTHING, BE IT BY CALLING HIM, MSGING HIM, BUYING PRESENTS FOR HIM, PLANNING OUTINGS. WHEN HE DOES NOTHING BUT MISSING MY CALLS AND MSGS, BY SLEEPING, AND BY EASILY LEAVING ALL THE DECISION MAKINGS TO ME. EVEN DOWN TO THE VERY LAST 'WHAT SHOULD WE EAT TODAY'. 'WHAT SHOULD I DRESS TODAY.' 'WHAT SHOULD WE DO TODAY.' 'WHERE CAN WE GO TODAY'. yes lynn!! i want to hear his opinions too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously, i'm not even a pathetic person. i'm not even ANYONE. i'm just transparent. They will only see me when they need me.

Maths is so screwed! Paper1 was sooooooooo damn fucking difficult!! my goodness! i've never seen AO maths questions asked in such ways before!! the format is like totally so different from any papers i've done!

wat the hell.. gave us one equation and asked us to find the number of insects initially! initially wat?!! it didn't even give us a time to start with!! and i heard so many ppl saying tat question's easy. my god. Maths and insects have total no links. ARGH.

Paper2 will be even more difficult.. discrete random variables.. statistics, probability...

let me guess wat will come out for paper 2... :

1. Sets

2. permutation and combinations

3. functions again..

4. and of cos differentiation and integration is a MUST in all maths papers

5. probability

6. Stats

7. random variables

...................................

OOPS! He did it again. so qiao? just before exams again?

i might just start a GP essay on that topic.

Qn: 'guys always suck'. Is this a fair comment?

am i fated to piss everyone i meet? seriously am i really that bad? ok. so we can't blame guys for everything. wat do we blame then. ourselves. yes. and fate? destiny? and accept it? just like that?

when guys are with their frens, gfs are only secondary. we will always tag quietly behind them and listen to their conversations and feeling very lonely at the same time. yet when we let him meet our frens, we try as much as possible to let him into our conversations with our frens so as to not make him feel neglected. we will always be conscious that he's in the group, and we always make the effort to talk to him once in awhile to check if he's alright. but when he's with his frens, i'm only transparent.

we are also transparent when guys are playing games. they can forget to call us forget to msg us when they are playing. but they wont forget to eat, bath and sleep. we are always secondary to them. yet when i'm out with my girlfrens, i will always make the effort to msg him where i'm gg, and who i'm gg with. it's a kind of responsibility that i take. why can't guys do the same. if they can't do it now, how can they be responsible for their family in the future.

why must they only treat us better when they need a favour from us.. 'baby.. help me do scrapbook can..' 'baby help me pack my room can...' baby do this do that.. and we always do it and never reject them. why can't they do the same to us. why can't they reply when we ask them to. why can't they call when we ask them to.

does anyone know how used i feel? yes, we do use guys for emotional support. we use them as our pillar of strength. but i have frens for that. i had. if i hadn't chosen my bf btw bf and frens, i would have had my whole big bunch of frens who will be just as willing to chiong down to meet me if i'm emotionally down. but guys don't get ripped of their emotions by us do they.
but we get ripped of our virginity, the most precious thing of our lives. and we will give them all we can. because we feel we belong to them now. but after using us, they will feel that they have gotten everything from us already. and we have nothing more to give them, they will get sick of us ultimately. and start to treat u worst and worst by the day. of cos we will say that they suck. cos they weren't like that before they got it. he wasn't like that before. the chat with sam really drove me to the wall. i was crying as i typed. i know i'm not a guy so i don't know how they feel, but they don't know wat's it's like to be us. at the end of the day, we will never get to know the opposite sex completely

pathetic me.

Did he did it on purpose? was it accidental or intentional? why must he always quarrel with me everytime JUST the night before exams? Why must he always pull this kind of stunts on me? He claimed he was 'sick and tired', so when i talk to him he was less than happy less than keen to listen to what the fuck i was saying. But hey, i heard him talking so energetically with his bunk mates. sick? less than likely. He'd rather talk to his bunk mates than me even when he's SICK. and IM supposed to be his gf. BAHA.

After the WHOLE day of barring his calls and not replying his TWO PATHETIC msgs, i called him. And i regret it. To think i still called him when he can dont msg me for more than 24hrs, dun call me dun reply any of my fucking msgs. AT LEAST I FUCKING CALLED HIM.

his TWO msgs was NUTHING compared to what i msged him last nite. I was waiting pathetically like a fucking pathetic gf till 2am. And i'm supposed to have GP A LEVELS TODAY. cool. i went to take the exams half asleep in the morning. and it's highly likely that i screwed things up unknowingly. my GP paper 1 essay is screwed. AND IF I FAIL MY FUCKING GP, IM GOING TO BLAME HIM ALL FOR IT. no. blame it on myself, it's fate isn't it.

and GUESS WHAT. I know he will be the pathetic bf only tml. cos he wants me to meet him. he's just fucking using me. fuck it. fuck him. fuck the world.

YES IM RANTING LIKE A PATHETIC BITCH BUT I DONT GIVE A DAMN!!!! BLAME IT ON MY LIFE BLAME IT ON FATE
AND NO ANYONE ELSE!! WHAT THE FUCK COULD I HAVE DONE!!

i want a whole brand new wardrobe... i need it.. for university.. IF I CAN GET IN!

i need to be prepared for another phase of my life.. the 'twenties'.. i'm just less than 2 yrs to reaching that 20 yr old line..

THATS WHY I NEED A NEW WARDROBE OF CLOTHES!!

i really must discard my childish dress sense soon..

oh no....................

gp is just tomorrow... there goes.. good luck guys... let's finish this race once and for all.. and hopefully non of us will need to retake.. *CHOI!* to hell with GP.. i din even study any single shits for it.. i just hope i wont get mind blocks tml and constipated thoughts.. oh no... my science frens have been going for those GP mock exams which i deemed no-point at that point of time.. but now.. come to think of it.. they seemed relieved that they've been going for those exams cos it keeps their minds working on GP mode for quite some time..

realised i made big mistakes by pontening sch once or twice every week.. why din i pay more attention to GP? why did i see it as boring to the extend that i MUST ponteng GP once or twice a week? Why did i miss all those important Paper8 tutorials? WHY?!!!! my Paper8 is screwed. oh no. i realised all my subjects are screwed!! WHY WHY WHY was i soooooooOOOo playful?!!! WHY was i always distracted in class? WHY AM I SO STUPID!!! ppl can miss tonnes of lessons but still cope with the subjects. but i cant. ppl can miss loads of tutorials and make last minute efforts to go for consultations!!but i'm too thin-skinned to go for consultations!! i'm really so scared of teachers. i need a maths consultation someday. i really need it. i dont' wanna fail it again. i don't wanna prove my secondary sch A maths teacher right.

oh no!! A levels is just 2 days away!! i'm DEAD!!!!!!!!.. i slacked the whole of today!.. my god!! i've wasted so much time! ARGH.. *frantic*