this weekend was supposed to be special.... supposed to............ but i dont think so anymore........ not anymore..........

like lynn said, i'll prolly write on my blog a few days later saying "he's gone back"........... yah

*he's Gone Back*

photos for forbidden city and sam's day at may's hse is at this website:

http://carinez1.multiply.com/photos/album/39

betrayed.

happy birthday samuel! FINALLY 20.... i feel so old... :P

there's something wrong with my bloody phone! argh............ i need to get it fixed soon.........i dono why my phone always no reception! which means, i wont receive calls/msgs during the period of time........i'll only realise it when my mum calls my bf.......... "eh why lin's phone cannot call thru ah?" damn it la.......... i will only receive those lag msgs after i restart the damn phone, after my mum calls then i'll realise it! and by that time....... too late....... i'll have 5 unread, unreplied msgs..... and alot more unanswered missed calls........... STUPID PHONE.

saw lynn's blog....... and my mind was suddenly flooded with memories with him at Changi....... we used to always hang out at changi point, changi end, and changi beach when he had bike.......... changi point was a damn romantic, quiet place where we used to sit down and lie on the grass (provided u have newspapers and insect repellant :P) and watch the planes flying so low right above ur head........ u'll need ur own transport to get there anyway...... it's damn far inside....... miss those days too, when we had a picnic at MacRitchie Reservoir in the middle of the night........ and those long walks along punggol end beaches................ and lantern festival at Bukit Batok Nature park.......... we played with candles....... used liquid paper to draw on the rocks......... Westcoast park............... we used to climb the pyramid thingy......... *argh* memories...........

anyway, all these were done during our 1st half a year together............. long long long long time ago............

these few days were great............... but sometimes he can hu leng hu re.......... and they say girls are hard to comprehend.......... i think guys are more complicated creatures......... just yesterday.......... he came to my school to surprise me........... he told me he's at hougang mall but actually he was driving to my school to meet me..... we'd initially planned to meet in town via public transport... :P he repeatedly told me he dont have the car...... then he suddenly appeared at my school and joined me and serene for lunch.... hahah.... was quite surprised... but actually i'd guessed it already lor.... somehow had the feeling he was hiding something from me... my sixth sense not bad one lor... but he doesnt believe that i'd guessed it.... he thought his plan was foolproof... bleh...

anyway........ thank you hubby for everything that u'd done for me these few days..... felt like i was back in the good old days.....

*he's back*

these 2 days were one of the best days i've ever had............... hubby surprised me yesterday night when i met him at suntec by giving me a Nike bag for school......... this was one of the rare times he surprised me....... and i was so touched........ he said he wasn't actually sleeping the day before... he was outside looking around for suitable bags to buy for me.... that's why he didn't pick up my calls.... and all along i'd thought he was sleeping after such a long day at work.........

*bliss*

i hate it when im bathing, the whole world wants to use the damn toilet..... when im not using it... nobody wants to use it............. wa lao........ once i step inside.... someone will shout and ask "eh who's using the toilet?!" ....... obviously someone using the toilet right?! ask for wat? and everytime i bath the WHOLE WORLD will complain........... "eh jie u use toilet damn long already leh" "lin ah! i wanna use toilet ah!" or before i go to the toilet, the whole world will rush to use the toilet before me "wah! lao da jie use toilet liao! muz go toilet first! if not muz wait very long"

o_O"

i've got school tml.... just for this 2 saturdays...... and im damn damn damn sian of it........ i dont wanna go school on saturdays......... i HATE IT........... argh.... hafta wake up at 8 tml..... woke up late today and was late for lecture...... was glared by the lecturer for awhile..... but thankfully today was the 1st lesson and he was basically giving resume of himself for the 1st half of the lesson... his name is nageb............. and i dont knw why i always have the tendency to pronounce it as nage. b instead of pronouncing it as a whole.... aiya, dono how to explain lah. blah.

tell me how i can improve on my english? read more? but i dont think reading makes my english better....

a few more weeks to our 4th year.......

the same few weeks before i get my piano results......

4 year anniversary........ no money buy present........... damn sad.........

In a relationship, there are some things you like to do and some things you don't. So, together, you figure out what little things you are willing to do for each other. You share the responsibilities. In a relationship, there is no scorecard. You do little things for each other to make the other's life easier. You wont find it annoying with doing something for your other half because you're doing them out of love. plain love.

i will trade anything for a minute of quality of love..... although he's committed to me, took care of me, he did not give me the experience of being loved from moment to moment.......the kind of affection, the tenderness, the words lovers use, the listening, the sensitivity, the nurturing, the respect, the willingness to participate with me in creating the relationship each day....

sometimes i get mad at you for not paying much attention to me...... but i realised..... u'd always been doing little things for me.... yet i hadn't noticed....... u'd always help me buy my food before u buy yours.... always.... u'd nvr asked me to go buy my own food while u wait at the table.... i had always taken it for granted.....

but sometimes u can really make me go mad............. u dont pay much attention to me...... u'd rather pay ur attention to ur games, ur parents, ur friends.... anyone but me...... i dont knw why.... sometimes i can be right beside u, yet u continue watching the tv as if im not there.... i can be walking right beside u, yet u continue walking the streets like u're alone, all the while still holding on to my hand...... we can sit on the mrt next to each other and yet we look like complete strangers....... you wouldn't even hold my hands, lay on my shoulders like u used to..... you used to hold my waist.... you used to whisper to me....... nw u just talk to me like im ur friend....

you used to let me take ur bolster, now u snatch it away from me..... you used to cover me in ur blanket... now u just cover for yourself..... you used to call me baby..... even at home when ur mum's around..... now u just call me "eh"...... u used to talk so nicely to me, now u just shout...... u used to give in alot.... now im the one giving in all the while...... u used to comfort me when i cry.... now u just turn your body away from me..... u used to call me every night to chat...... im the one calling u every night now.....

i really miss those good old days when i was so contented with my relationship i felt i was the most fortunate girl in the world..... now, carine's love graph, the law of diminishing returns sets in....

i miss my hubby so much, the one i used to love so much..... the one who used to love me as much.... i miss my hubby, his old self......but i'll still love u "every minute, every second, every milli second, every nano second, every pico second"

hmmm did i mention..... im quite concerned that the school is near my hse....... hahahha...... cos i'll be so damn bloody tempted to take cab to sch?! cos it's like so near and cheap and fast?! like today, FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.... i took cab........ i overslept... woke up at only 12 plus when my class starts at 1.30.... and i wanted to reach school early cos i wanna leave time for me to "get lost" in school, in short, leave at least 15mins for me to find the damn classroom la! nvm.... cab fare for such a short distance is quite ex actually... didn't expect it to be 4bucks... i tot only like 3 bucks or lesser...... apparently the hike in cab fare is really quite a substantial amount....

attended my first ever lesson in SIM today...... not as bad as i thought.... but that's only for the subject Auditing.... hey, i JUST realised Auditing is not a calculating subject, dont require any calculations at all!!! *yippee* but.... BUT...... it requires HELL LOT of readings........ need to read HELL LOT of articles............. ARGH.... i dont mind writing essays... but reading articles!!! especially boring articles concerning finance!! my lecturer told us to read "MONEY" of straits time............. wa lao............. hell boring ah.... aiya nvm, at least she's good.... so far so good.......

no socialising for me.......... i didnt even say hi to the girl sitting beside me........ cos i dont think i'll even remember her face for the nxt lesson..... and i think i can learn better alone....... at least no temptation to talk to friends sitting around u.... and tat's good.... cos im such a talkative girl....... ha.

every start of the school term u'll always hear me saying "i'll work harder this year"....... but somehow the adrenaline to work hard always stop after the 1st month.... we'll see how it goes this term ya............

i'll work harder this year......

"what good is love when it keeps hurting me"

lynn.. how true...

i have so many regrets in life.................... so so so many regrets........ i wish i can be strong enough to move on, but sadly i dont think so......... somebody have to push me.....

im angry at my life, pissed at myself to have such a soft ear for everything.... i listen too much to others and let them influence me so much........... they have so much impact on me......... i get so easily cajoled into buying things, doing things........ and then after that i regret........ just like the hair products i ALWAYS buy at salons after cutting hair........ and i regret! cos i have never ever finished using them before!! sometimes i use only once or twice..........

now, its the same thing........ i let a particular girl's rumours influence me...... Miss J told the whole world the school's facing financial difficulties, all the school's gd teachers have left, she might be considering transferring BLAH BLAH BLAH....... i let her influence me.......i went to change school, forsake my $672 i've already paid for school fees and had to dig out close to $5000 for my new school.... and now guess what??? she's still in school... and guess what she said? "oh, i heard the school's not facing difficulties anymore, so dont change lor" u knw, everyone listened to her bloody rumours and decided to change, everyone listened to her.....

i can only blame myself for being so stupid to listen to others so easily.......... i will miss my school...... i will miss the way the lectures and tutorials are held...... i will miss learning in small groups....... i will miss my friends............. but i have to move on........i have to start learning to adapt to new environments....... learn to make new friends.... learn to study independently....... learn to listen during lectures, and not just attending only tutorials................... EVERYONE is telling me "u learn more during tutorials" YAH I KNOW!! but what can i do? SIM has no tutorials! I WILL MOVE ON! I HAVE TO! I DONT WANNA WASTE MY PARENT'S MONEY ANYMORE!

the only good thing that happened from this entire saga is my mum's reaction about me changing school..... my mum simply love SIM.... my mum even told me "im so happy u changed school, cos i like ur new school"........ good.... mum's happy... im happy...... but somehow i still cannot hide my guilt from letting my parents spend so much money on my studies............ waste so much money on me.... be it piano, studies, daily allowance............ i always seem to fail them..... im so guilty i think i might just die........ waste so much money on such an useless daughter.......

i hate myself. period.

hmmm... went to cut my hair (finally) after 6 mths..... wahaha.... cannot stand my messy, limpy hair anymore.... my hair is OK lah...looks so much neater.... but still, i dont knw what my bf will say, his taste is apparently totally different frm mine...anyway, dont knw why everytime after cutting my hair, i ask my mum nice or not, she'll surely say nice and "very cute leh".... i dont like it.... :P

anyway, bf's working at suntec now for the IMF thingy..... dont be surprised if u see him wearing police uniform and walking around.... i wont be able to see him much for this month cos of the IMF thing.... he needs to work (according to him) 1, 2, off..... instead of 1, 2, off off..... seriously i dont understand how the shift system works... but somehow i knw he's being exploited.... he's supposed to ORD this month.... but he cant clear his leave for sept cos of the IMF thing....

anyway...... im bored......

nothing seems to be going right these days....... still haven receive my school timetable due to some screw ups.... apparently it's unfair for us who signed up late for SIM cos they gave the existing students priorities to plot timetables for their subjects...so end up im just getting whatever's that's left of the timetable....... *prays hard that timetable wont turn out bad*

你想要的, 我却不能够给你我全部

我能给的, 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合, 也不想认输

不想再约束, 不要再痛苦

how true....

how can they always say life is NOT a bed of roses? life IS a bed of roses................ looks perfect............... but hidden underneath those pretty petals are thousands of tiny thorns that will prick u......... mine happens to be a bed of dead roses...... looks dead........ and those fucking thorns are still there to prick u........ knn.

最近

你最近不说话

怎麽了, 为什麽

是不是有什麽事让你不快乐

听说你最近很孤单

有点乱, 有点慌

可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的, 我却不能够给你我全部

我能给的, 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合, 也不想认输

好几次, 我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释, 这样的一切, 都只是开始

我觉得是, 所有的一切, 早就已结束

不想再约束, 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

爱, 我却不能给你我全部

我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合也不想认输

好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始

我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束

不想再约束 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

这一次我们都能很幸福

ok..... so it's finally finalised... im transfering to SIM officially.... due to some major changes in management in stansfield... or should i say... i've heard plenty of rumours about the financial difficulties stansfield is in.... im quite lostform abt transferring actually... cos i dont really fancy the large lecture style of SIM... i so much prefer the small class-like style of stansfield.... i dont like mass lectures at all....... i cannot absorb!!! i can only absorb in small groups... like a class.... haizzz......... i really hope i can adapt to the change in studying environment well..... well, at least SIM is more established than stansfield..... at least SIM wont be facing so called "financial difficulties".... at least SIM has a uni campus with good facilities.... canteen, atm machines, large libraries and book shops, VENDING MACHINES.......... SUPER NEAR MY HSE............... *argh, im juz trying to console myself*

anyway, it was a super impulse decision i made on the very day itself... i rushed all the way to SIM to transfer, cos my mum made me.......... my mum WANTS me to transfer........ i was quite shocked my mum wanted me to transfer....cos of all the costs involved.... and i have to forgo the 672bucks i've already paid to stansfield..... (which is damn bloody bo hua!!!!!)i was juz casually mentioning to her that quite alot of ppl have already transferred, and saying even my school principal has already left, and even some of the teachers have left..... she immediately asked me to transfer..... i can tell she likes SIM alot... :P

i dont like any changes in my life, i HATE CHANGES.....i dont like to adapt to new things........... btw, even if i transfer sch i'll still be studying 2nd year, not 1st year...... so dont worry...

and i just realised that failing maths is fucking fucky........ cos i cannot take a hell lot of subjects....... thus.... my second year will be a very hectic one....... if i can successfully manage to appeal to take 4 and a half subjects this year... i'll be taking :AUDITING, financial intermediation, intro to business management, MANAGEMENT ACCOUNTING and retaking maths. auditing and management acounting alone can kill....... die liao lah.....

finally received my uol results....... failed half a subject.... MATHS..... great.... the only thing was i didn't feel VERY VERY disappointed as i've already expected it.... i mean, i was expecting something even worst.... at least i did quite well for my econs.....i thought i'd fail accounting!!! thank god i didn't..... but the marks of the rest of the subjects suck......they're gonna affect my classification of honours.... i can only blame myself for not studying hard enuff..... now i have to repeat half a year of maths.... do u knw hw much i hate maths?!