ok............ so let's see what i've been busy with for the past wk..... im so DEAD TIRED NOW i can't help but dread Sunday abit....... best thing is, i've been having loads of trouble having a good sleep cos i keep waking up feeling neckaches and backaches and what not...... and not to forget dizzy spells and MORNING SICKNESS........ mine's not morning sickness.... mine has just manifested into whole day sickness.... intially was just evening.... it has apparently starting to extend its hours throughout the day..... hip hip hooray.... i will puke whatever i eat after nearly every meals.... so......... medicated oil has been my bestest fren........ and also the toilet bowl........ BLEAH

Monday: slept at 2am, woke up at 2pm... woke up 10 million times in between..... ate my favourite beef noodles and went to meet Annie who to pass her my wedding invitations.........

Tues: slept damn late as well..... same thing, woke up 10 million times throughout........ and went back to the office to do appraisals........ yes, fooking took leave and went back to the office........ had SUPER DUPER bad MS tat day..... wanted to have lunch downstairs but the person FORGOT my order..... so i just drank something and left cos i was in a hurry to go back office......... i started wanting to puke so damn badly in the cab..... upon reaching the office, i proceeded to hog the toilet for 10 whole mins to vomit what's left in my stomach (apparently nothing cos i din have lunch).... stayed in the office all the way till almost 5 before i could finally eat my dinner.... went bck to bf's hse to prepare all the ang pows, table sitting arrangements and what not.......

wed: went to do facial...... then went to meet sec 2 mates at jurong point all the way till 10 plus.... then proceeded to meet Syamzari at his hse to pass him the wedding cards........ in case u wonder whose Syamzari.... he was the one who brought me and my future husband to be together..... hahaha... so he's a super duper important person..... *shakes head* dont know to thank him or blame him for introducing my future husband to be.... tsk tsk.... hahahah KIDDING LAH

Thurs: finally opened the powerpoint layout Annie sent me yesterday..... she helped me prepare for the slideshow on my wedding night.... and i had a huge surprise...... SUPER NICE and SWEET......... if it's me, i wouldn't have done it so nicely..... all i had to do was to scan all my photos and just insert them into the powerpoint that's all..... i dont even have to think abt the theme and all! SHIOK-NESS...... but i din realise the SCANNING of pictures will take THAT long to do...... so i couldnt' finish it in time to bring to The Legends to test the AV.... i could only bring the half finished product along...... then was to meet the EMCEES of my wedding nite to prepare the script, edit and rehearse........ SHIOKNESS..... took us less than an hr to fniish everything........ worst part of today was just the waiting for the bus back home, TMD waited frigging half an hr......... or MORE.... and i had to carry my laptop bag, there was no seats at the bus stop.... and THERE WERE NO FRIGGING SEATS IN THE BUS........ i stood all the way with my bag, and laptop..... all the way till Clementi before i had seats... best ride of my life.... all the way i was feeling car sick and wanted so much to vomit on the person right beside me who was pushing and pushing me non stop....... !@#@!%! im so dead tired now.... but still scanning those pics....... retarded scanner..... its time i buy a new one.........

Suddenly it dawned on me........ that i wont be staying in this house anymore....... a sudden sense of sadness overwhelmed me........... the other day when we were discussing jokingly that i wont be staying in this house anymore infront of my little bro..... he actually teared secretly...... i could tell he will miss me....... i will miss him so much too..... my little bro will be the most poor thing........ my elder bro will be leaving for NS very soon in July........ and i'll be leaving by the end of this wk......... he'll be all alone.... with no one to talk to him, no one to cuddle him, no one for him to play with.......... he'll be all alone in the house with my mum........... suddenly within the span of 2 months, he'll be all alone...... from this year onwards, he'll be all alone........ i know he'll be very very upset....... i can tell... im tearing as i write this... i dont know why..... i can't help but feeling sad for him.... if only i will only get married 1 or 2 years later........ i'll still be in the house to accompany him.... maybe not alot of my time.... but i will still be around in the house should he need any help..... but when my bro's in the NS, and i'm not around.... who can he ask for help when the computer hangs? or when he needs ppl to help him download games? or when he's bored during his hols? omg....... i really cant imagine his emptiness....... he'll feel really empty...... i can feel it.........

i cant believe cant believe im getting hitched next sunday......... best thing is i havent really gave out my invitation cards yet......... well done, nice work carine wan. number wan.

SIBEH SIAN LAH.

i'm going to officially announce that i'm PREGNANT...... yes.... with a capital P.............. and that was the reason why i agreed to marry the bf (tsk tsk tsk) if not i wouldn't have.... hahahah.... hmmmm i know it's shocking to announce it here rather than u know, tell you guys upfront....... so.......... wish me all the best for me and my baby! i dont know if u all will judge me but i all i ask for is for me, my baby, my family, my future husband to be and his family to be in good health......

back to the preggy topic... yeah..... 14 wks this wk....... it took me alot of courage to want to keep this baby... i didn't know if i could handle the responsibility of taking care of a child, if i could handle the responsibility to even edcuate him properly..... i was afraid... afraid that ppl would judge me....unsure of what ppl will think of me, unsure of how my parents will react... will they scream at me? will they be un supportive? cos i was sure that if i were to tell them, i would have already made the decision by then... tat is, to keep the baby..... so if i dont tell them, i would have gone ahead to abort it....

i spoke to alot of ppl, spent around 1 wk to think about it........ you guys can't imagine what kind of torment i went through when i saw the Predictor thingy sayin "POSITIVE".... i cried on the spot....... in the toilet of the newly opened shopping centre at Clementi.... i called the bf and DEMANDED him to come and accompany me to see the doctor........... we went to the doctor together.... and the wait was HORRIBLE.......... for some weirdass reason, the bf was actually LAUGHING outside the clinic while we were waiting.... he was actually EXCITED.......... i couldn't believe it initially........ he had no idea how terrified i was, how frustrated and frigging scared i was....... he kept repeating one thing "then like tat no choice liao la, must get married liao, all my frens also like tat, i din expect to be my turn so soon".......... i just told him i was going to abort it........ and he stared at me for the longest time ever........ i think it didn't dawn on him that i would ever want to abort it, cos the thought has never even crossed his mind before.....

then was the talk with the doctor, and it was confirmed after a test that i was pregnant... and when he told me "you're 8 wks pregnant".... i nearly wanted to cry on the spot.........my first reaction was "doc, can you give me the number or name of any abortion clinic near this area to call".... my bf nearly flipped again.... i saw him telling the doctor "no"...but nothing came out... i think he just managed to squeak out a useless "no".... cos i was too firm, i was too convinced of my decision.......

tat day, after seeing the doc, both of us went to the place where we had our first date... bukit batok nature reserve........ we went there to talk about it.......and both of us cried..... he asked me to decide on it during my Cameron Highland trip which was just 2 days away....

and the rest was history.............. i think, along the way, after talking to me, he was sort of convinced to abort it too.... but then we decided against it.... and i dont regret it......... i was glad we decided to keep it.........both our parents were glad we decided to keep it.... cos the moment we told them "we din want it at first" both the mothers screamed...... "SIAO AH, how can dont want!"

alot of my frens were soooooooooo supportive during the period of time when i told them.... and i was really glad i had them... if not i would have died and not know what to do....... so, THANK YOU....

in case u guys dont know........ i've already gone for a couple of ultrasounds and these scans all the more told me that i made the right decision to keep the baby......... i could see the baby LIVE...... twitching around, "jumping", turning it's head and even SUCKING THE THUMB.......... omg.... i could see the spine, the fingers, the toes........ it's really amazing....

ya ya, i sound like a mother now. bleah.

Recently i've been feeling rather moody and everything.... stressed over the wedding details, stressed over unfinished stuff at work before i go for my leave............ excited at the same time........ but not the wedding part... hahaha... guess wat..... yes..........shall not divulge much until the time is nearer........... feels weird to announce this thru blog also... hahaha.....

And now.............. for the "News"............

Yes, most of you are right.... I'M GETTING MARRIED...... all of you will receive an sms from me shortly, maybe these few days.... or a personal call from me.... to inform you of my wedding details.........

Date: 14th June 2009, Sunday

Venue: The Legends at Fort Canning Park (Behind Parkmall),

The Legends Ballroom 11, Canning Walk

Time: Predinner cocktail at 7pm, Dinner starts at 7.30pm

My named JIE MEIS: Yanwen, Angeline, Yvonne, Lynnette, Rachel, May, Jolly

I know most of you might be very shocked.....but 7 years down the road already.... it's time to "settle down".... although i know it's abit too early.......... BUT i "dont really have a choice"...... so.... dont' ask me why so rushed lah.... hahahaha....... just make a guess..... just wish me all the best!!! hahaha....

im announcing something huge ass soon................

hi.... im back..... from my hole.......... but tat's cos im sick today and i took mc.... i've taken 2.5 days of mc just this year... and it's just the start of April..... good luck to me..... by the way, my companys' actually RETRENCHING (by the way they dont call it retrenching in our company, they call it being "counselled" to leave) BLEAh...... somehow i hope i'll get retrenched..... i was thinking of breaking bond, but tat'll cost me alot of money..... but then again, getting retrenched is nvr good.... it'll just look bad on ur resume.... but im sick of work........ and the company's culture is getting from bad to worst..... especially the management.... the only thing tat's getting better and better are just the ppl at work,..... my colleagues are the BEST no doubts about that..... BEST OF THE BEST......

my head was spinning yesterday night and this morning.... literally spinning.... like the whole world was going round and round.... i'd thought i've got vertigo, but apparently not really.... the doc said cos i've got slight fever and flu and the virus just infected my ears........ when i went in the afternoon i was feeling alot better and i was afraid the doc wouldn't wanna give me mc cos i dont look sick at all... hahhaah... when he told me i've got slight fever after taking my temperature i was even shocked..... i just thought i was having low blood pressure or smth..... he wanted to give me 2 days mc.... i told him no, AGAIN..... stupid.... this time i really din want 2 days cos i stupidly left my laptop, charger and everything in the office.... and i've got plenty of things to do.... so i'd better head back to work tml.... i think it'll be the first time im going to sleep early today.... cos im feeling super groggy now.... after all the medication..... i slept till 2pm today... shiokness..... i think it's just overdose of work plus lack of sleep.....

by the way, HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY!..... i got TRICKED today by my colleagues (yes, even though i was at home, shit) i totally forgot it was april fools' day....damn..... and my little bro just laughed at me and said he wouldn't have been tricked if it was him cos he knew all along it was april fools' day.... i totally forgot.... *slaps forehead*

im such a workaholic i cant believe myself............ oh my fucking god......... i cant believe the job allocations they give me......... i cant believe that i went for work for consequetively 14 days, non stop, including wkends........ FUCK.... what the hell is wrong with me and my company???!!!

anyway, im going to give myself a break and BUY THAT PHONE TML!!!! i've been saying that for AGES....... i've been saying i wanna buy phone to my parents for the past 3 wks and apparently it DID NOT HAPPEN AT ALL LAH.... reason why i want my parents to go is cos they might, just might sponsor abit.... wahhahaa.... but im not pinning alot of hopes on that...... BUT I JUST WANNA BUY PHONE..... btw, i've not been seeing my parents for like, 3 wks also...... everyday when i get home, my parents are asleep..... everytime when i go out for work... they are STILL asleep...... either that or my dad already went work (tat'll be when i oversleep)..... arghhhh....... one after another jobs......... and tat doesnt mean im good enough for promotion or anything.... it really all depends on the manager..... to see if they like me enough to promote me...... shit........ im so overwhelmed with work........ i dont know what to say anymore..........

DEPRIVED of 1. nice food

2. social life aka entertainment/meet frens watever

3. sleep

4. office frens (cos i've been outfield for wat seems like 10 million years).

i feel like a fooking tortoise..... hiding in my shell for a hell long time.........

i was thinking if i'd ever ever take up any audit jobs again.... after my bond....... i feel the sudden urge to quit right now........... SUPER NO LIFE CAN!!! omg...... fook.... i've been OT-ing for the fooking past few mths....... so what have i gotten so far? nothing but pimples........ tmd.......... skin suck bad.........

im blogging at client's place btw.... just wanna take 5 mins break before burying myself under those files again......... i still got to go back office after this..... dont know what time i'll go home tonight........ arghhh.....

why am i so not looking forward to V day?

i feel like breaking up. breaking down. can i do it? i can't stand the emo-ness anymore. it's really childish. retarded. i feel like im single once again. with no one who cares for me. i even feel lonely. how ironic. im in a lonely relationship.

i want i want i want and i will i will will watch The "strange tales" of Benjamin Button!! hahaha for some "strange" reasons... i kept saying the title of the movie WRONG....... i kept thinking it's the "strange tales" but obviously it's wrong... it's the "curious case"...... I SHALL WATCH IT SOON.

Everything seems to be going wrong recently... especially work.... and i finally took mc today.... half day only.... been vomitting since last night... gastric flu... anyway... im not very looking forward to Vday.... it's not special anymore..... i've nvr had a special V day before when someone actually makes the effort to do something nice, plan something nice, plan a surprise for me...... so far, i've nvr had a "pleasant surprise" from anyone before..... well maybe 5 yrs ago i had once.... when the bf bought cake and my bday present on my bday..... i was truly surprised then...... and maybe another 3 years ago, when the bf bought a nike school bag for me.... or maybe 2 years back on my 21st bday, at the chalet, when my frens lighted up a candle and sang me a bday song at 12 midnight when i was washing up stuff downstairs.........tat's all........ sad...... and they say life is full of surprises..... my life is full of monotonous shit.....

*grumpy*

i want SURPRISES! SURPRISES!!!!!

did i mention i got to spend Vday in the office this wk?! *cries* cos it's my stupid reporting deadline.......... UPSET.

HI PPL.... im finally back to this cyber hole....... apparently im still alive and kicking......... though im still struggling with work and everything...... just came back from a stupid retarded dumb arse boliao "get together" at the boss's house...... we just went there for less than half an hour and we left..... the reason why we were there was because we were sort of "forced" to go..... and the thing was, it wasn't really well coordinated.... we could have organised some outing after the session or smth but we didn't...... but apparently everything didnt work out and we just went home.......... damn it... my initial plan was to meet the bf....but then i thought we'd stay for awhile at the boss's house or go somewhere else so i told him i wouldn't meet him.. now he's meeting his fren and dont wanna meet me anymore.... so im rotting at home......on a fooking FRIDAY NITE.... and i stupidly brought my laptop home, i should have left it in the office or something.... and now i got to lug my laptop tml with me to lu guang zhong's mini concert at esplanade...... NICE........ ARGH.... im in such a bad mood today..........

ARGHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHH.......... i've become quite whiny recently.... i've got so many complaints abt work, life, love...everything....... so pissed at myself for so many things..... y did i even get myself involved in such things in the first place? i dont even know the reason.... i'm being very abstract..... cos u nvr know who reads ur blog........ maybe i should just dump this blog altogether and blow up internally like a bomb or something...... even with blogs, you cant blog abt every single thing..... you cant really vent your frustruations, you cant really tell everyone wat's happening.... cos you nvr know who'll read ur blog.... there will be some things that you dont want others to know.... but there are some things that you want others to know and dont want some other ppl to know......... like, how can you complain abt things at work when u nvr know when ur senior's going to pop by your blog some day and read your complains abt him/her somehow?

by the way, i was really stressed up for the couple of weeks.......... stressed up like fuck....... unimaginable stress....... i din even feel this kinda stress when i was studying for my uni exams or for A levels........ im always a last min person when it comes to exams.... so the amount of stress i go through is truly different from others when it comes to examinations (mine maybe 10times more, cos i may have to study 20chapters in 2 days or smth cos i dont attend classes).....

but this time round, work has been so tough i really almost couldn't handle........ note: ALMOST.......... i was really on the verge of breaking down into tears when i was doing my fooking "property plant and equipment" when i had 20 fooking pages of PPE listing.......... omg..... and especially when it's like 2am in the morning, all the ppl are starting to leave..... and when you really dont wanna be the last to leave the office cos u gotta switch off the damn lights and apparently my office has some spooky things going around.... BUT u still haven't finished doing your work, AND you got to hand it up by hook or by crook and leave it on your manager's table that very day....... and when everyone started saying "bye carine, dont work too late" one by one..... omg....... my first thoughts "NO!! dont go... dont leave me here alone.... wait for me...i dont want to walk the spooky quiet alley alone" but you can't say it out, cos u dont want everyone to wait for u and u dont want to stop ppl from going home to rest..... so.......... i really wanted to cry that night......ALMOST cried.........

i cant believe i got to go back to the harsh harsh world tml.... back to my hectic work life..... back to the harsh reality.... WHY..... WHY must my hols end so soon..... im supposed to do work even NOW....but i dont even have any drive back in me to start my work...

my chinese new year was so-so...... everyday was just gamble gamble and more gamble since cny eve..... we played till 7am for 2 days.... CRAZY can.... i won almost 400bucks *prance around in glee* without doing anything.... hahah,...i just merely sponsored 100bucks as the banker's base and sat there to watch tv..... and in just a mere half hour, i won 200bucks.... tat crazy guy.... bluffed me... i'd thought he lost alot and tat's why i decided to give him 100bucks to let him "fan ben"... but then i realised he actually won ALOT and he still asked me to share with me..... crazy.... he even shared all his profits with me.... then later when i was too bored and decided to watch tv again, he asked me to give him my money and he played for me.... and he won 150bucks in an hr..... i was just playing for fun so i only played 2bucks.... when i let that guy play, he played for 16bucks.... i din even know.... and he gave me all the winnings.... hahhaa... happiness.... but my poor bf lost 400bucks..... so i gave him 200bucks......... the money din feel like mine anyway, so i din feel the pinch.... but,.... his frens are crazy lah.... they play by the hundreds..... and one guy won 1400bucks...... like wtf.......... but i dono what to say,..... they dont feel the pinch at all, what the guy won is like more than half of my monthly salary......

anyway, i feel like going out today.... but i cant... cos i got to work tml.... i wanted to take mc for tml... but..... i've got appointment with the client... haiz......... sian..... how i wish the hols can extend for another week....... why must it end so soon.... my bf dont even need to work this wk... why do i have to go back to work TOMORROW..... fuck........ anyway...... it's been like 4 mths since i last took mc..... nowadays, even when i feel really sick, i cant even fucking take mc.......... arghhhh,.....

what a boring boring chinese new year.... im blogging on the EVE of chinese new year... hahah how fun... well, cos we're not having reunion dinner at my granny's hse this year cos my grandad just passed away... BUT im having HOMECOOKED FOOD AT HOME THIS YEAR.... homecooked food leh! *happy* my mum dad is cooking at home this year... im so excited hahaha... though it'll most probably not be as nice cos my mum's helping... she'll probably be very clumsy and everything and hinder my dad's cooking... my mum's NEVER cooked for us in her whole life... except for maybe chicken porridge when i was damn young... and maybe fried eggs.... and maggi mee tat is either tasteless or super salty.... well, it'll be a very boring chinese new year... i wont even be going visiting tml... i'll just go my maternal grandparents' hse and tat's abt all.... of cos, it'll still be happening at night for me.... but i still got 4 hrs to go before i run out to meet my frens....

somehow.. i dont feel the chinese new year mood... cos of my stupid overloaded work and the "not going visiting" part which probably spoilt it quite abit... but still!! im still looking forward to wearing my new clothes... bleah... and tat's quite sian cos tat's probably the only thing im looking forward to.... and maybe the gambling with frens part today and tml... heh...

i can't stand it anymore.... i NEED NEED NEED at least ONE ONE ONE branded bag. Chanel, gucci, LV, coach, kate spade. anything. just ONE can?! i must must must have at least ONE. i swear i will get one by end of 2009. This will be like a priority on my wish list.

Horoscope for today:

This may be a bit of a tricky day, wan, as you feel the pull of conflicting demands and desires. On the one hand you feel an obligation to your career. On the other hand, your loved ones miss you and would like to have you around more.

so fucking damn true. pull of conflicting demands and desires.

i can feel the pressures from all sides forcing down on me. im just trying hard to cope.

sometimes i just feel that no matter how damn hard i try, how much fucking effort i put in, nobody will ever appreciate the things that i do... i tried so hard at work, yet i met with difficulties time and time again, i even got reprimanded by someone, for supposedly not doing my work well, for reading newspapers for fucking three seconds. i was just trying to take a break from my work. just trying to rest my overloaded mind. i dont even have time to fucking eat for god's sake. all i eat now are all the crap food tat's near my office, i just take anything as long as it's fast and near.

i tried so hard to make it a point to go home earlier to spend some time with my family, but i failed time and time again.

i tried so hard to meet my frens too, yet i cant seem to even dig out the time...

i tried so hard to dig out some time for the bf, yet he doesn't seem to appreciate it. i pushed away my work just so i can meet up with him. i tried so hard to push away my work just so i can do his fucking assignment, yet all i got was some fake appreciation. i even got scolded. FOR DOING HIS ASSIGNMENT all i get is fucking scoldings. i stayed back till fucking 2 am to do work, just so i can finish more work so i can do his fucking assignment today. so, did the ppl at work appreciate that i stayed over to do work? did the bf appreciate that i did his fucking assignement? did anyone appreciate watever i did?

TELL ME WHY THE FUCK AM I LIVING MY LIFE FOR OTHERS. WHAT THE FUCK AM I LIVING FOR. FOR WHOM DO I LIVE FOR. THEN WHERE'S MY OWN LIFE?

ok i've been surfing the net for like, the past 3 hrs..... and i dont think im going to touch my work anymore..... cos i feel like fuck now......... im dying.... cos of my flu bug...... my throat is KILLING ME.... and im having fever i think cos im freezing to death in the library........ FREEZING is seldom in carine's dictionary ok? unless im real sick... which i am now....

ok...... let's talk about.... Perfumes... and smells..... i'm a "smell" perrson.... my sense of smell is rather sensitive.... and i get very irked by strong smells..... and during these recent years, i've become very self conscious about how i smell.... ransack my bag and u'll find 1. Deodorant, 2. foot spray, 3. perfume, 4. mouthwash and mouth spray (recently added on)... these are the things u'll permanently find in my bag....

anyway.... recently, i've been getting hooked on perfumes.... and i've bought ALOT of perfumes cos my fren happened to work at DFS at the airport (not anymore though, sad).... perfumes i bought include: Lanvin (MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE), DKNY (green one i dont know wat issit), Gucci Envy me, Vera Wang Princess, Chanel CoCo mademoiselle.... i rememberd my bf told me before, that perfumes are used to attract the opposite sex.... girls will like man's cologne, and guys will be attracted to the ladies' perfumes.... i dont know if that's really true... but i do know that by putting on a nice smell, you'll attract ppl, be it the same or opposite sex.... if you smell good, ppl will at least notice you, and you'll be a headturner even though u may not look good..... im attracted to both guys and girls' perfumes..... girls' perfumes will attract me too, and make me turn my head and look around to see who smells nice, and i'll try to remember the smell so i can buy the perfume nxt time...hahaa... guys' cologne attracts me too... no no no, i must say they excite me.... i especially like it when my bf sprays his cologne.... makes me feel secure and comfortable.... it's like, HIS smell.... i know a good fren who collects perfumes.... maybe i should start collecting male fragrances.... hahaha.... it'll be cool.... i'll start when i have the money... brands i'll buy will be ralph lauren, kenzo, issey miyaki (dono if this is the right spelling), davidoff......